another may

it's been a while since i've written, and honestly, it's because i've been too overwhelmed by my emotions that i decided the best thing to do was not to acknowledge them. but that only gets you so far. and before i knew it, a minor argument with my hubby about something so trivial ended with me sobbing in bed asking the universe why it saw fit to take my son from me. so yea, that was my clue that it was about time to write...

we are almost through another may. the month of my son's birth. he would be turning 3 this year. it's hard for me to imagine the 3 year old he would have been. no doubt, he would have been the most beautiful 3 year old i would have ever laid my eyes on. but i wonder what his personality would have been like. watching his sister's personality develop is so very bittersweet. because in my heart i know he was my mellow, obedient, loving child. but i never got to see how it unfolded. i will never get to see all of those "quirks" that would have made him him. it's hard to reconcile that fact in my mind. after all this time, it's still hard to believe he is gone.

this year to celebrate Julius' birthday, we will be spending the day as a family. we plan to take baby girl to the zoo, and don our Julius the monkey gear. there will be some type of sweet treat, though i haven't really decided that yet. it's always so hard to plan how to celebrate the birthday of your child that is no longer with you. this will be my 3rd without him, and it hasn't gotten any easier. actually nothing about grieving his loss has gotten easier other than my ability to "fake it" in public. the pain is still as deep and profound, the longing still as intense. grieving your child is a lifelong process for sure.

in addition to dealing with all of the feelings surrounding Julius' birthday, i had to deal with mother's day. i still dread that day even though our baby girl is here. luckily we were at a cookout to celebrate someone's graduation from college, so i wasn't too focused on what day it was. and only had to deal with one comment/question about it being my 1st mother's day. on the whole the day wasn't too bad.

and as if those 2 events weren't enough, we also moved this month. we moved from our 1st house - the house that has been there for us through the birth of both of our children, and the death of our son. the house that has seen us at our absolute worst, and has sheltered and protected us. we had that house built, and picked out the colors of everything. it was my personal sanctuary, and i was very attached to it. but in the end, we had to move. it's really hard to think about the fact that i won't have memories of Julius alive in our new place. i know he is still with us, but it's different. and that difference makes it so painfully hard to bear.

grief new year

it's november. my grief new year. all of my big milestone days are done for 2012, and now the anticipation of his 3rd birthday begins. right now i am a little relieved, though, to be out of the month of october. i absolutely detest that month. but i am glad that we have all survived another october. i've wanted to blog about what we've been doing this month, but i really had no extra energy to spare.

i kept myself really busy, mostly as a distraction. it helped a bit, but when it comes down to it, nothing can make me forget the fact that my precious son passed away 2 years ago. it doesn't matter how many projects i take on.

early in october, a friend/local SIDS mom helped me plan a zumbathon to raise money for CJ Foundation and First Candle. it was so much work, planning and promoting that event, but it went SOOOO well! we had a really good turn out for our 1st zumbathon. and we raised over $500 that day. in total we raised $660 and sent $330 to both of those organizations. thank you to everyone who donated to our fundraiser!

during our zumbathon. we had over 50 people

the day of his angelversary, i really didn't have anything planned. last year we went to the zoo in nashville, and then had a little balloon release. i HAD to get out of this city on that day. this year, i didn't feel that urgency. but i did still feel the need to take off of work to stay close to my family, and i'm glad i did. we ended up going to the park that we were at the day before he passed away. the museum had FINALLY received and placed his brick the day before (after a year and a half almost), so i wanted to see it. and since it had taken so long, they generously refunded our money and gave us a 1 year membership to the museum, so we took a stroll of the museum afterward. and then had lunch at the restaurant connected to the museum that Julius and i stopped and ate at the day before he passed away. it was hard to go in, especially since i have avoided it all this time, but i'm glad we did (now my meal was a huge fail, but i'm not going to get into that one).
 

finally placed.

can't believe it's been 2 years since i kissed this boy.

our rainbow has been keeping us incredibly busy. she is on the brink of walking, and is really all over the place. her diva nature is coming out more and more. she's hilarious. so updating when i get home is just not going to happen. she requires all of my attention and focus (and i gladly oblige). but even with her at home with us, the weight of absence is GREATLY felt. and we try constantly to keep him present in our daily lives and to make it feel like we are bringing him with us instead of leaving him behind.

everyone knows my obsession with Paul Frank's Julius the monkey. well, i found this shirt at target a few weeks ago and had to buy it. there is actually a whole line of PF sleepwear. i loved it all, but just ended up getting this shirt. which worked out well, because a few days later, my amazing coworker bought me another shirt and pants. so i wear Julius to bed every night now.

and speaking of PF, i found the PF fan page on FB, and "liked" it. really i felt like an idiot for not finding it earlier. not sure why it never crossed my mind to look for it. anyway, while looking through the page, my heart just started to swell. his name, of course, was all over the page thanks to Julius the monkey. so i took a couple of minutes to write a little something on the page to let the people at PF know how much Julius means to me. and they responded!!!! i love them even more now.

Julius remembers my Julius!

i've also been working on some DIY crafts from that i've found on pinterest - DIY sharpie mug.

my Julius mug. just write on a mug with sharpie and bake in over at 350

this month was difficult, and with the holidays approaching, i know there are still difficult days ahead of me this year. i'm torn because i desperately want to experience the holiday season with our rainbow, but i miss my son, wish he were here, and hope that he isn't forgotten by anyone. i guess i just hope that our girl's presence doesn't overshadow the existence of our boy. it's just a tough balance, and i really wish i didn't have to deal with this. i just wish so much that this wasn't my reality and that Julius was here.

pic we took during our family pics in sept.