Quick Trip Recap & Giveaway Winner

i know i'm a little behind, so i will start off by announcing the winner of Juju's July giveaway. and the winner {using random.org's random number generator} of the Willow Tree angel of hope is comment #2. NATASHA!!!! congrats girl! i'm so glad that this angel gets to go to such a great home and such a deserving momma. thank you so much to everyone who entered! it really makes me so happy that i can do something small for someone else in honor of my baby boy. it means so much. ♥

this past week i was in MN for my much needed "escape" from my daily life. it was such an amazing trip. i finally met some women who i had initially "met" through my blog, and who have been such a wonderful support system to me. i got to do quite a few things to honor my baby boy. i got to help honor/remember other precious little ones. and i got to take a break. it was like a little mini-retreat. and i'm so glad that i got a chance to do it.

i had the pleasure of meeting jenna {Noah's momma}, natasha {Aiden's momma}, deanna {River's momma}, kristin {Stevie's momma}, and tiffany {Ellie's momma}. they are even more amazing in person. and even though we had never met in person, i felt completely comfortable with each one of them. there was absolutely no awkwardness between us.

sunday we met and attended a lovely brunch hosted by a football player {chad greenway} for mothers of critically ill children, and those that had lost their children. though a bit emotional, it was so nice to be able to be recognized for being a mother. he was also generous enough to provide everyone there with gifts. one being a beautiful vera bradley bag. i have always eyed those bags, but never bought one, so it was a real treat.

us with our vera bradley bags

 after lunch we went out to this adorable place and painted pottery. it was such a great experience to be able to sit around and talk, and feel a bit normal. i painted a couple of things that reminded me of Julius - a froggy, and a heart.

me posing with my Juju pieces

and then we went out to eat and spent some more time talking about our babies. it was just a wonderful time!

me enjoying my delicious dinner

some of Faces of Loss team with Kristin {the founder}

the rest of my time there was just as great as that day. i was able to help tiffany with her event in honor of her daughter Ellie. i helped jenna with a couple of things for her event that is coming up for her baby boy, Noah. i was also able to visit both Noah and Ellie at their special spots. it was such an honor. on top of that, i did A LOT of gushing about my pride and joy, Juju. so overall, it was an absolutely amazing trip. i'm so so glad that i decided to take the time out to do this. and i'm so blessed that i got to meet just a few of the wonderful people that have been there for me these past 9 months of sheer hell, and give them a big hug in person. i don't think they will ever fully understand how much their friendship means to me!!

We are NOT alone...

my hubby never ceases to amaze me. in our relationship i am most definitely the selfish griever. i truly don't mean to be, but my emotions constantly take over. it's easy for me to "think" that i am suffering more because i am the one that always grieves "out loud." but then D will do or say something that reminds me that i'm not the only one who lost their precious son, Julius. a few weeks ago, D asked me to read over something for him. i had absolutely no idea what he wanted me to read, but was not at all expecting what i did read. it was so moving and powerful. it brought me to tears. and he was gracious enough to allow me to share his thoughts with you all. i hate that Juju is missing out on spending time with his amazing father. :'(

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Though I would much prefer to be in the position I was before, where I knew very little of the world of babies passing away. Now it seems to be all around, that awareness that makes you take notice of every instance. I am constantly hearing about other couples and their stories of baby loss. I once thought that I would be able to rank the way a baby is lost by the easiest to the hardest. However, I found this to not be the case.


I lost my son as a result of SIDS while he was at his daycare and my wife and I were at work. He was a wonderful son at the very young age of 4.5 months old. I once scoffed at parents that though they can see all these qualities in their children when they were only babies and could do very little. But I knew so much about my son. I can see his personality, I can feel what he was thinking. I felt as though we were cut from the same cloth.

As I hear the stories I try to make the comparisons, I try my best to make my conclusion that it was the hardest for me.

I do hear quite a few stories of miscarriage. As a matter of fact me and my wife experienced a moment where we very firmly believed that we had miscarried our son. When I compare, I feel that it might be better to not have ever know our baby. It would be easier, to think that maybe something was wrong with him and it was better this way. I would not have had to be so attached to him. Yes, I say to myself, the way I lost my son is worse than having a miscarriage. But... I know it is not true. If I said that having a miscarriage is easier then I would have to say that I would be willing to give up the 4.5 months that I spent with him. And I would never do that. I would never give up a single minute that I spent with my son. And though he was taken away, I had him. He was in my arms, I stared into his eyes, and we were in love.

My son died of SIDS, but I do hear stories of babies being lost to accidents or disease. Situations that give parents a reason that it has happened. My situation has to be worse. I have no one to blame. Nowhere to point the finger. If I traveled into the past, there is nothing that I could have done that would have prevented what happened to my son. What would it be like to have someone or something to yell at as I cry inside. But... I know it is not true. Life is not fair either way. Whether you have someone to blame or not would never alleviate any of the grief that I feel. The grief that I hold is between me and my son. It is something we share. I miss and love him as I know that he misses and loves me. It is irrelevant how me and my son got into this situation but it is the situation we are in. So I really cannot believe that having someone to blame would make the world right. It would not make the world more fair. It would not bring me and my son together.

Another situation that I hear is of parents losing their children when they are older. I only had 4.5 months with my son. Other parents got a chance to see their children walk, some talked, some had play dates with other children. Some children went to school and some even graduated. My situation has to be worse. I never saw my son take his first walk, grow his first tooth, or say his first word. Everything that I was looking forward to, all the events I imagined my son accomplishing, never came to fruition. But ...I know it is not true. This was a tough one. I would give my life to spend just a little bit more time with him. But in order for me to believe that it is easier to lose a child later in life then I would have to believe that love diminishes over time. And I do not believe it does. I loved my son so much on the very first day, even when I was placing my head next to my wife's pregnant belly. And that love never wavered or weakened at any point. I am certain that no matter what his age was I would love him the same, and the hurt would be the same.

I try my best to make my conclusion that it was the hardest for me, but I cannot. They are all bad, unfair, and grief filled. It is hard to explain the point of all this. What it boils down to for me is....I am not alone. We might all handle and deal with things differently, but no matter the circumstances we are all in the same situation. I am not alone.

Giveaway & Some Happiness...

time is a concept that i know little about these days. i just can not understand how it's been almost 9 months since i held Julius in my arms. my goodness, how have i made it this far? this time last year my parents were in town visiting and meeting Juju for the 1st time. we were proudly showing off our little boy. it seems like just yesterday. it sickens me to think of how happy i was just 1 year ago - i'd say the happiest i'd ever been. and then to think of the devastation just a few months later. october 12, 2010 - a day you couldn't pay me a million dollars to repeat. i'm still in my grief slump, but i think i'm on my way out. i just miss him so so much these days. i'm sure i pretty much say that in every post, but that's a fact that remains. my longing for him and my love for him will always be present.

but while i was in the midst of my grief slump, i decided to do a little something for myself. it's amazing to me how much of an affect grief has on your physical being. i thought i was doing really well (physically) at the beginning. but now after 9 months, i know that i'm at a breaking point. i went back to work almost 2 weeks after Julius passed away. and aside from a couple of small trips {and 1 in which i had the flu}, i have not had a break since he passed away. so i booked a trip to the great state of Minnesota for a week. it seems kind of random, especially since i have no personal ties to that state. but i will be meeting with some amazing women who have become some of my dearest friends on this journey, in part because they are BLMs and on the grief journey themselves.

i have not been excited about anything in the almost 9 months since i lost my son, but i am so very excited about this. i need this. i need time away. i need to get away from the day to day routine. i need a break from work. i need a break from my reality for a while. and it's great that i will be amongst women who get it, who get me, who, unfortunately, get this pain. if i start sobbing, they will know what to do/say. no one will be scared of me. i won't have to worry about someone asking me if i have children. they all know my story. and i can be "normal." i need this trip. seriously.

and getting back to my original discussion about time. on july 2nd i realized that we were in july, and that i hadn't posted my giveaway for the month!! time really is escaping me. anyway, since Juju passed away i started collected willow tree figurines. i don't know why they bring me so much comfort, but they do. i'm actually running out of space to put them in my house. but one of my favorite figurines is the angel of hope. and hope is something that i struggle with the most these days.

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the giveaway:
so this month's giveaway is for a WT angel of hope.

how to enter:
to enter, just leave a comment and tell me if you have started collecting anything to feel close to your angel{s}. and for an extra entry, leave a separate comment with something that you hope for. since i will be on my trip on Julius' 9 month angelversary {when i usually announce the winner}, i will keep the giveaway open until the 15th, and then announce the winner on july 16th. good luck!

Ticked Off...

so this guy walks into the elevator and says (i know this sounds like the start of a joke, but i assure you it's not), "you look so sad. you look like you just lost your best friend." my 1st thought was, "wow, is my face that readable." and then i thought,  "yes you a$$hat, i am sad, i am miserable, i did lose my best friend. who the fark says things like that???!!!!" but i ended up just saying, "o, um, well, it's tuesday..." it's tuesday?? seriously. i've never really been good at making up things on the spot. but i definitely never thought i would have to have a retort to a comment like that.

anyway, based on my little story, i'm sure you wouldn't be surprised if i told you that these days i've been just downright pissed off. after spending much of my session yesterday with my counselor sobbing, i wasn't at all shocked when she said that i was experiencing a low point in my grief. it's been pretty apparent. i think it started a few days before father's day. D just happened to make a comment about how he wished they would stop playing father's day commercials, and it really just broke my heart, and opened my eyes a little to how much he is actually hurting (even though he doesn't often open up and tell me).

father's day came, and we ignored it. he requested that, and though i really didn't want to because i wanted him to know how amazing of a dad i think he is, i respected his wishes. but i think toward the end of the day, it all caught up with me, and i spent the last half of father's day crying, and just being overall angry. angry that it was yet another holiday that we had to bury our heads in the sand to get through. angry that there are millions of people out there that have the luxury of being oblivious to this pain (not that i wish it on anyone). angry that i no longer have that luxury. angry that i will never be complete - never. angry that my amazing child didn't get the chance to experience so much. angry that i have to find comfort in things like frogs, butterflies, etc to feel close to him instead of physically being close to him. angry that i have to stare at pictures to admire his perfection instead of just looking at him. angry that i'm still here, when he deserves life more than i do.... as you can see, i'm just angry right now.

but there has been some beauty and light to this week. yesterday a dear friend of mine had her precious rainbow baby. he was a bit early, but is healthy and beautiful. rainbows make me smile...rainbows give me hope.

The Winners are....

The winners of giveaway #6, chosen by random.org, are Nikki {necklace} and Monica {book}! Congrats ladies! Please send me an email with your info so I can get your items out to you! Thank you so much to everyone who entered!!

Right Where I Am: 7 Months, 3 Weeks, 6 Days

I’ve wanted to participate in Right Where I am Project intended to chronicle where I am in my grief. But with the fog that I was in during may, I didn’t think I would be able too. The last couple of days, though, I’ve been feeling more of a “calling” to just build up the strength and do it. And so I will...

It’s been 7 months, 3 weeks and 6 days (it will be 8 months on Sunday) since I lost my son. Almost 8 months since SIDS/death ripped him away from me and from my husband, and left us a forever incomplete family. How do I feel today? Angry, broken (scratch that – shattered), sadder than I have ever been in my life. His absence left a crater in our lives, a void that will never be filled. From the time I wake up every morning, I am reminded every second of the day that he is no longer with us.

What has changed? Well, I am better able to assimilate with “the others” (those that have never experienced a loss so profound). I have moments where I feel like I can hide the big “BLM” that is engraved on my forehead. And I feel like, for the most part, I have re-learned how to function as this new person, this sadder person. I can go shopping for groceries with no problems (most of the time). I can go out to eat with friends. I can make superficial conversation with the cashier at the store. I can comment on a silly post on FB. I’m even starting to form opinions on things that have absolutely nothing to do with my little family or Julius. Some of the energy that was previously taken up by deeply grieving my son is being “freed” up. Or maybe I’m just learning how to be more efficient with it – learning how to multi-task, I guess.

The other thing that has changed, which is probably the most drastic change in these 8 months, is that my heart and soul are crossing the bridge of complete and utter resentment to the land of thankfulness. Now this doesn't mean that I’m not still angered that my son is gone, that I've accepted this new reality. It doesn't mean that I’m done missing him with every fiber of my being, that I’m over the fact that I will never get to brush his curly hair, or change him, or kiss those chubby cheeks of his. Or that I wouldn’t still give my very life to bring him back.

It just means that my heart is spending more time being so very thankful for the fact that I got to know him and spend time with him at all. I’m so thankful for those 40 weeks I got to carry him and see him grow from the outside. I’m so thankful for those 4.5 months I got to watch him grow into a little person with a big personality. I’m thankful for the privilege of calling Julius my son, of loving him with all the love I never knew I had. I’m thankful for getting to see him smile, for getting to hear his laugh. I’m thankful for him. And if someone asked me right now if I would do it all over again knowing that our time would be cut so very short. I would say without any doubt or hesitation “YES.”

And that's where I am, right now...

Doing Good In Juju's Name Giveaway #6

i almost completely forgot to post this. not because i forgot about our monthly giveaways, but because i've been so focused on getting through May (the month of Julius' birth) in one piece that i forgot about the month after. i can't believe it's over. in all honesty, it feels like it should be august right now. i feel like i've lived several months in that one. so many milestone days, so many emotions. it was so tough, but i'm still here.

and since i'm emotionally drained, this giveaway is just the thing i need. i really do need something to bring me a bit of joy and happiness. and i hope that these giveaways do the same for someone else. this month i'm going to give away 2 things - doubling the happiness, i guess. so here they are:

the giveaways:

this month's giveaways {for BLMs only} are for this adorable butterfly necklace, and for the book "i will carry you" by angie smith. we read the book for the FoLFoH May Book Club. it is an absolutely inspiring book, and so relevant to the lives of us BLMs. usually after i finish with a book, i put it in PBS and just swap it for credit to use toward another book. but i decided that i would pass this book along to a BLM who had never read it, and who might get some comfort from it.

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how to enter:

entering is simple. just leave a comment for each item that you would like. i'll leave the giveaway open until the 11th, and then select the winners on the 12th {Juju's 8 month angelversary}. good luck!