planning a birthday party

dammit, this is not the way it should be. i go back and forth between sadness and anger, oh, and denial.
i just still can't believe that i have to celebrate my son's life without him...again.

we have survived several milestones already. today baby girl has already outlived her brother. but i continue to step cautiously through the rest of this month, because, well, i know that we are not spared any further suffering or heartache, so i'm still on guard.

i have just now started to get things together for his special day (mostly because i noticed that the days continued to pass by even though i didn't want them to). i haven't done TOO much planning, but i have nailed down the theme:

did you know that that paul frank monkey is named Julius???? i found out shortly after my boy passed away. and now i'm obsessed. seriously. and thanks to target for feeding my obsession as Julius is all.over.the.place.

so we will have a Julius cake (and i'm deciding whether i want to attempt making fondant). i'm planning on getting us some Julius gear to wear (i found a really cute shirt for me and onesie for the girl). we will light his candle. there will be a balloon release. definitely some KFC for dinner (i had that after i gave birth to him). lots of snuggles with our girl. lots of talking about our boy. i will be taking the day off of work, and staying close to my little family. and i have already ordered his memorial ad with our paper, which will run the day before. so my plans are coming together. but i have a favor to ask...

i would love if you all will help me celebrate my son's life as well. i finally started to print out all of the name gallery pics that we have had done for him, and that other people have sent us. like

and will be placing them all in a photo album just for him which i will fill up throughout the years, considering i won't get to fill an album with recent pics of him. anway, if you would like to help me with this project i would be forever grateful. all you have to do is write my son's name in some creative way (really any way will do), take a pic, and send it to me. it would mean so so much!

To the boy who made me a mom

Dear Julius,
I miss you so much. Thank you for making me a mom. Thank you for giving me purpose. Thank you for making my world better. Even though our time here was cut so short, my love for you is eternal, and it grows exponentially each day. You are my child forever, and I'm your mom. Stay extra close to me as I get through this day without you.

Loving you always,
Mommy

let me give your heart a break

yesterday while listening to the radio, a line in one of the songs i was listening to caught my attention: "let me give your heart a break."

as yet another mother's day descends upon us, that is what i wish i could do for all of my fellow bereaved mothers. i wish i could give your hearts a break. i wish i could take away some of the pain that we all feel on a daily basis grieving our children. i wish that we all got a lifetime pass from ever having to deal with any kind of suffering or loss again after losing our children.

but unfortunately that is not the case. i don't know why but in the last couple of weeks it feels as though i have heard quite a few stories of loss, some families that have experienced this intense pain for the first time, and some families that, heartbreakingly, have had to go through the pain of loss again.

to all of you out there that are hurting:

i'm sorry.

i hope this mother's day is gentle.

i wish i could give your heart a break.

broken hearted

i intended to post something very different today, but then i found out that one of my dear blogger friends and BLM has lost her rainbow baby. the one she was expecting to hold in her arms very soon. the one that we have been rooting for her to be able to bring home and love on, and tell all about her amazing brother.

i didn't know it was possible for my already broken heart to break some more. i feel like running out into the parking lot and screaming. how can this happen again to someone so good, so loving, so deserving of happiness? it makes me sick sometimes to think about how unfair life can be. if you have a minute, please send up some thoughts and prayers for my friend and her family who are starting their grief journey for their second child while they continue to mourn their son.

thinking of my dear friend and her amazing angels Liam and Evelynn...

mother's day

first i want to say thank you to everyone that weighed in on my picture frame issue. i still haven't finalized what i'm going to do, but i think i'm going to do something for both of them in that corner (DIY photo canvases perhaps, thank you pinterest). and pack his picture frame away (but i think i will fill it with his birth - 4 month pictures first. i need to).

well in a few more days, may will be upon us. i almost had a panic attack in the car thinking of all the milestone days in that one month: bereaved mother's day, mother's day, baby girl turning 4 months, baby girl turning 4.5 months, Julius' birthday, and his 19 month angelversary. my goodness, if i wasn't nursing i would be tempted to stock the fridge full of wine to help me deal with this next month.

but in the midst of all the anxiety and worry, i am oddly excited for mother's day this year. this will be the 1st year that i don't feel like a fraud (and of course i'm assuming that we are all still here by then and that no major devastation has made it's way into our lives again). now before anyone has the urge to go all "polyanna" on me, please understand that i know i am and always will be a mother. even after Julius passed away i still considered myself a mother. but i felt like a phoney. i had no one to mother on this side. and so i mothered (and still do) his memory/legacy. but i desperately wanted him, and wanted so bad to do all of those things that go along with being a mother.

in 2010 i was weeks away from birthing my baby boy. in 2011 i was a bereaved mom who had JUST found out i was pregnant again for the 2nd time (my mother's day gift from my son). so i was a mother to 2 children, but neither of them were physically present. and this year i may actually get to experience my first mother's day as an earthly mom.

i've got big plans for that day, which begins with D serving me a big breakfast in bed (though i haven't mentioned that part to him). then, the lighting of Julius' candle. after that will be the presentation of gifts (i'm thinking a piece of personalized jewelry that has both of my children's names on it. again i haven't run that by D). and finally, the part that will take up the rest of the day, snuggling in bed with my little girl - that never gets old. now all i have to do is make it to that day. which sometimes seems like the hardest part.

forever 4 months old

some of my most vivid memories of Julius were the days that we hit his monthly birthday. i would get him all dolled up in his onesie, and proudly affix the month sticker on him. then i'd position him in the glider and take picture after picture of him from every angle possible. i'd spend a majority of the time begging him to smile for me. but when that camera was in his face, he was mesmerized, focusing on nothing else.

one of the gifts we got during one of his baby showers was a first year picture frame with 12 openings to insert his monthly pictures. i hung it right away. and every day since he left us, it has tortured me. though i took 4 monthly pictures, i never got around to filling the frame. and then when he was gone, i became painfully away that i would never get to complete the frame with him. but the thought of taking the frame down hurt my heart even more. so i left it on the wall.

our little girl is here now, and i struggle with thoughts of what to do with that frame. do i fill it with her pictures? do i leave it untouched? do i put a side-by-side picture of both of them up until the 4 month mark where his monthly pictures end? of course all the while, praying and begging the universe that i will get to have more than 4 pictures with her. it's so terribly hard to make decisions like this without feeling torn. and i now realize that it may be a LONG time before i'm able to make any decision for her without feeling guilt that i'm not doing the same for him. hopefully one day i'll get there.

i downloaded an app for my phone that allows me to make little photo collages. i started doing a comparison from month to month of our babies. and then decided to do one of Julius from month 1 - 4. it was hard to do, and i still have moments where it's hard to look at. but i can't help but smile. my little boy was so very handsome. and god do i miss him.

almost 2 years old

these days the sounds of baby cries and coos reverberate off of the walls of our home. these days we have sleepless nights, we "ooo" and "ahhhh" over someone's every movement. we rejoice joyfully over milestones. yet our heart still breaks. he is still missing. and to be honest, watching her grow and develop her own personality, which is that of a diva no doubt, makes it SO much harder for my heart to understand how he could be here one moment and gone the next.

Julius' 2nd birthday is coming up next month. once again i find myself dreading the month of may. this should be the month in which i celebrate all that my baby boy has accomplished in 2 years of life, and wonder what he will be like during the "terrible twos". he will forever be 4.5 months old to us. our "future" with him, cut so very short. i'm not sure what we will do to honor him during that month or on his special day, and i'm a bit stressed just thinking about it.

last week we were out shopping for clothes for me as my wardrobe had shrunk considerably due to my post pregnancy/birthing body. D was wearing our girl in the baby carrier, and is usually the case when we are out, people were stopping us to check her out and ask questions. in one store we went in, one of the employees asked her age. when we told her she said, "awww, i miss that age. i have a 2 year old now." we smiled politely and nodded, and then i had to duck into one of the sections and catch my breath. i would have an almost 2 year old. and i miss what could have been.