Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Life After

life after losing Julius is turning out to be a very intricate, complicated dance. time has given me the ability to "fake it" better, but it hasn't lessened the pain at all. it hasn't made certain situations any easier to bear. i feel like everything i do needs to have the warning sticker "proceed with caution" on it.

many of you know that saturday was my 30th birthday. my heart was heavy, but i was upright and functioning. i had an appointment with my counselor, and it was emotional {as it usually is}, but i was still upright and functioning. i went to the gym to teach my Zumba class, and my "zumba sweeties" showered me with so much love. they threw me a little party after class with my fav treat {gigi's cupcakes}, gifts and hugs.

30 and fabulous ;)
i was overwhelmed. my good friend also paid for the massage i had set up weeks in advance because i knew it was going to be a rough day. after all of that i was even more upright, and was functioning better than i had been all day. i was, dare i say, "happy." i got in my car, and was preparing to head off and run some errands when i saw i had received a text from a friend. and attached to the text was a pic that she had taken of Juju and i one day that she was over at my house visiting. i had never seen this pic, and though i was so thankful to her for sending it {and still am}, at that moment i crumbled.

Juju and mommy
this weekend D and i also went to the mall. we were having a decent day. we went into a store so that i could buy a new phone. and as we waited, we were goofing around and acting silly {something that was typical of us...before we lost our son}. again, i was upright and functioning. i happened to turn and look at the door as a woman walked in carrying her child in one of the exact baby carriers i bought for Juju, and carried him in often. it didn't matter how much i was laughing before, when i saw her it felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. i couldn't breathe.

how can it be that i can be laughing, acting silly, and joking with people, and then without warning i'm paralyzed with grief and sadness? how do people live through this pain? sometimes i just really don't understand what my motiviation is to live like this, or through this. it seems at times almost masochistic for me to get out of bed and experience all of the constant sucker punches life throws my way - the babies everywhere i turn, people announcing their pregnancies left and right {in my perspective}, etc. how can the heart stand so much hurt day after day?

i guess this is where faith, and hope come in. i guess i have to believe that there will be brighter days ahead for me. i guess i have to believe that God wants me to be happy, that He knows the pain that i am in, and that He is sorry. i want to believe that He knows how badly i want to be a mother again, and that He wants the same thing for me. and i try so very hard to hang onto that, but sometimes hope is not enough. i feel like i'm running on fumes, like i'm hanging on by a thread. and i wonder how much longer it will be before i feel like my load is lightening and i can breathe again. if only i had a crystal ball...


**edited to add the pic that my sweet friend, megan, created. it illustrates exactly what i'm feeling - broken hearted. check out her blog to read all about her precious Savannah.**

i am not, and will never be, the same


15 comments:

Megan said...

You are amazing. You truly are. I've been having a weekend similar to this. Tears have been triggered at random moments. "Proceed with Caution." So true.

Kweku99 said...

So the nerd in me is wondering what phone did you get? :)

As a side note, I read this and thought of you: http://www.streamingfaith.com/index.php/prayer/devotionals/change-your-lens/

Brock and Shana said...

I know you don't know me but I just want you to know that I think of you every single day and am praying for you to have strength. My heart aches for you. Even though I have had a stillbirth I can't imagine your pain. Please absorb all of the strength that we all send you every day and just do like you say, be upright and functioning. All anyone can ask of you right now is to just keep breathing. Even if that's all you accomplish in a day. Please just accept my cyber hug and know that your little guy has touched so many people that never even met him.

spazzers said...

Wow, you put into words exactly how I felt every single day. I remember the very first time I went almost a whole day without sinking into some sort of flashback and we actually had a fun family day. As the night was winding down, I realized I was genuinely happy, and I burst into tears, because I was mad at myself for being happy without Story. Your words are so ture - an intricate, complicated dance.

Rachel said...

Praying for peace for you, sweet Tiffany! My heart breaks for you...

Jessica said...

Wishing for a bit of peace for you but completely understand that feeling of being fragile, it dulls a bit overtime but you still always have that feeling of needing to be handled with care. Sounds like many people in your life are doing that for you.
BTW, you are in the story on my blog today, come by and visit if you have a second.

ssssnjj said...

Praying for peace and less moments of pain Tiffany.

rebecca said...

Proceed with caution is so very true. I'm glad you were surrounded by love on your Birthday and hope you continue to feel held up by the love and support of so many that think of you guys and Julius on a daily basis. Love you so much my friend, hoping you feel peace and strength when you need them most ((hugs))

Radiant Readhead said...

I i am so sorry that you are going through this. although my moments get fewer and farther between, they still hit me. I just had amoment in the car that just popped up out of no where! it hits like a freighttrain, and leaves me exhausted the rest of the day. Happy happy birthday by the way! and I am praying very hard that God answers all of your prayers this year!

Kalialani said...

LOVE the picture of you and Juju and the picture of the broken heart depicts exactly how I feel as well. I wonder the same things too often. One minute I'm "fine" and the next I can't breathe and I'm having a panic attack. I work in the admissions office at my University and a woman called me today and told me she had to miss class because her nephew died and I automatically choked up because I flashed back to the time when I had to miss school to plan my daughter's funeral. It's terrible. :'( I wrote a post a while ago about my hope and faith and how I really had none right now. I ask others to keep that hope and faith for me until I'm ready to take it on again myself. It just seems like too much for me right now. It's so hard to tell someone to keep faith and hope alive when something so heart-wrenching, traumatic, devastating etc. happened. I just can't fathom trying to carry it all on my shoulders at once. You are taking it one day at a time, even one second at a time and that's all you can really expect from yourself.

Thinking of you and Juju always <3

Rhiannon said...

Isn't it funny how grief can creep in when we least expect it? Walking along tall and feeling good for a change...then WHAM! It sucks and I am sorry that you encountered so many triggers on your birthday. How sweet of your Zumba ladies to throw you a "party". By the way, I am in total awe that you are teaching Zumba...you are a strong, brave woman. I could barely make it through a workout without crying for the longest time. :'( I love the picture of you and your sweet boy, too...what a wonderful gift. Thinking of you, my friend. <3

Quinta Nicole said...

Tiffany I wish I had the words to comfort you right now, but I don't all I can say is that I understand. It's so ironic today I blogged about my experience with miscarriage after losing Tre',and during that time I experienced this a lot. In times when we feel like we can't take the pain anymore, what's the point, etc. know that God is able to make us stand. He is able to keep us upright and functioning. Whatever you do refuse to lose hope in Him. He will grant you the desires of your heart in due time. Hold on to your faith....Love you lots!~ Praying for you and here from you.

Missy said...

I can relate to so much of what you said! 30 was super hard for me. Happy Belated Birthday and much love to you and Juju.

Elaine Harrah said...

Oh honey there are no words. I felt the same thing, that sudden sucker punch, on Monday when I was running errands to get the stuff I need for Clarity's birthday party this Saturday. I was having a good day, happy even, thrilling and excited about all the stuff I had planned for her special day, when it hit me that I'll never be able to do this for Brielle. There won't be a princess party with tiaras and pink cupcakes. And you're right, it hit me with the force of a Mack truck doing 80. I don't honestly know if it gets better, but I promise you, I'll be here for you and Lord willing, we see the light at the end of the tunnel together. Love you lots, dear friend!

Jessica said...

Oh Tiffany! I feel you on the moments from happiness to grief in no time flat - it really really sucks! The picture of you and Juju is beautiful and the broken heart photo is SO true... We are not the same - we never will be.
Faith is a huge part of this grief journey for me. I don't know where I would be without my faith but I know it would be way worse off than I am now. You have a beautiful heart and you are a strong momma! Juju knows he is loved! <3

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