grief new year

it's november. my grief new year. all of my big milestone days are done for 2012, and now the anticipation of his 3rd birthday begins. right now i am a little relieved, though, to be out of the month of october. i absolutely detest that month. but i am glad that we have all survived another october. i've wanted to blog about what we've been doing this month, but i really had no extra energy to spare.

i kept myself really busy, mostly as a distraction. it helped a bit, but when it comes down to it, nothing can make me forget the fact that my precious son passed away 2 years ago. it doesn't matter how many projects i take on.

early in october, a friend/local SIDS mom helped me plan a zumbathon to raise money for CJ Foundation and First Candle. it was so much work, planning and promoting that event, but it went SOOOO well! we had a really good turn out for our 1st zumbathon. and we raised over $500 that day. in total we raised $660 and sent $330 to both of those organizations. thank you to everyone who donated to our fundraiser!

during our zumbathon. we had over 50 people

the day of his angelversary, i really didn't have anything planned. last year we went to the zoo in nashville, and then had a little balloon release. i HAD to get out of this city on that day. this year, i didn't feel that urgency. but i did still feel the need to take off of work to stay close to my family, and i'm glad i did. we ended up going to the park that we were at the day before he passed away. the museum had FINALLY received and placed his brick the day before (after a year and a half almost), so i wanted to see it. and since it had taken so long, they generously refunded our money and gave us a 1 year membership to the museum, so we took a stroll of the museum afterward. and then had lunch at the restaurant connected to the museum that Julius and i stopped and ate at the day before he passed away. it was hard to go in, especially since i have avoided it all this time, but i'm glad we did (now my meal was a huge fail, but i'm not going to get into that one).
 

finally placed.

can't believe it's been 2 years since i kissed this boy.

our rainbow has been keeping us incredibly busy. she is on the brink of walking, and is really all over the place. her diva nature is coming out more and more. she's hilarious. so updating when i get home is just not going to happen. she requires all of my attention and focus (and i gladly oblige). but even with her at home with us, the weight of absence is GREATLY felt. and we try constantly to keep him present in our daily lives and to make it feel like we are bringing him with us instead of leaving him behind.

everyone knows my obsession with Paul Frank's Julius the monkey. well, i found this shirt at target a few weeks ago and had to buy it. there is actually a whole line of PF sleepwear. i loved it all, but just ended up getting this shirt. which worked out well, because a few days later, my amazing coworker bought me another shirt and pants. so i wear Julius to bed every night now.

and speaking of PF, i found the PF fan page on FB, and "liked" it. really i felt like an idiot for not finding it earlier. not sure why it never crossed my mind to look for it. anyway, while looking through the page, my heart just started to swell. his name, of course, was all over the page thanks to Julius the monkey. so i took a couple of minutes to write a little something on the page to let the people at PF know how much Julius means to me. and they responded!!!! i love them even more now.

Julius remembers my Julius!

i've also been working on some DIY crafts from that i've found on pinterest - DIY sharpie mug.

my Julius mug. just write on a mug with sharpie and bake in over at 350

this month was difficult, and with the holidays approaching, i know there are still difficult days ahead of me this year. i'm torn because i desperately want to experience the holiday season with our rainbow, but i miss my son, wish he were here, and hope that he isn't forgotten by anyone. i guess i just hope that our girl's presence doesn't overshadow the existence of our boy. it's just a tough balance, and i really wish i didn't have to deal with this. i just wish so much that this wasn't my reality and that Julius was here.

pic we took during our family pics in sept.

desperately hanging on...

going into this year, and the birth of our rainbow, though i was excited to meet her and become an earthly momma again, i was terrified of having to let go of Julius. i knew that our lives would become so wrapped up in our baby girl, and i was just worried that i wouldn't be able to "mother" Julius and his legacy the same way i did in 2011.

i have been lucky this year, in that i've been able to do several things to honor my son (including the conference we went to last month). i'm actually in the midst of planning another one. a local SIDS mom, and dear friend (and fellow Zumba instructor), and i are planning a Zumbathon "ZumbAway SIDS" that will take place on Oct 6th. 2 straight hours of zumba! and all the proceeds will be going to both First Candle and CJ Foundation for SIDS.

so if you are in the local area, please join us!! if you are not, you can still donate. just go to our site and click the donate link on the right hand side. no amount is too small, seriously!

o, and did you know that Julius has made his way to mcdonald's? my dear coworker brought me the happy meal box. i don't usually frequent there, but i just might now (well, until they stop giving away Julius toys)...

i may be a momma desperate to hold on, but i like to think that Julius is sending me a sign that he's near me - near us - always. i'd like to think that he's letting me know that i don't have to worry about ever letting him go, because he won't be letting go of me either. :')

Giving back with Stella & Dot: Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

as i mentioned in my last post, i recently became a Stella & Dot stylist. i was trying to figure out how i could incorporate my baby boy, and use this new journey for good, and then it hit me. fundraising! so i got in contact with the lovely kristin, founder of Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope, and asked if she would allow me to throw her an online "trunk show" to raise money for FOLFOH.

i know for me personally, kristin and FOLFOH have done so much for us. i'm so thankful to her for starting that amazing organization, and giving all of us BLMs a way to connect, and talk about our precious children. so i am truly honored to be able to do this for FOLFOH. plus, kristin is just an amazing person, period. and i'm glad that i have had the privilege of meeting her in person.

so please check out kristin's online trunk show benefiting Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope at this link (http://www.stelladot.com/ts/hvmi5). i will be donating 50% of the proceeds FOLFOH {please make sure to purchase through the link posted for it to count}.

and if you are wondering if there is anything you could get from S&D to honor your little one/loved one, the answer is YES. S&D's new charms collection is such a great way to tell your story, as they can be personalized. i got charms to represent both of my babies, and love it.

the angel wing is called "watch over you" and represents Julius. the shoe is called "pitter patter" and represents baby girl.

a big "thank you" to kristin and FOLFOH for all they do for grieving families. and even bigger "thank you" in advance to everyone for your support!

"When the World turns its back on you..."

i know i've been a little quiet over here these days. this past week i've been dealing with the demons of grief. you just never know when it's going to sneak up on you, and it usually leaves me drained for a few days afterward. my heart has really been having a difficult time processing things. i find myself staring at his pictures trying to comprehend the fact that i have to spend the rest of MY life without him. that's a tough pill to swallow. i know that this information is not new information, but i don't think my brain really focused too much on it until now.

this morning brought me another major sobfest. but then afterward instead of feeling helpless {as i usually do}, i decided to do something about it. a scene from the disney movie - the lion king - flashed in my head. after simba lost his father in the stampede {i apologize to anyone i just spoiled this for}, he has this conversation with the meerkat, timon...

Timon: Look, kid. Bad things happen, and you can't do anything about it. Right?
Simba: Right.
Timon: Wrong! When the world turns its back on you, you turn your back on the world.

i definitely feel as though the world has turned its back on me. so i decided that i was going to do the same thing back {mature, i know}. i got out of bed, and did what i do best - plan. i am painfully aware of the fact that everything is out of my control. but i'm just not ok sitting and waiting for life to happen to/for me. i feel like i'm sitting on the sidelines, watching everyone else get a chace to play. and it's killing me. i'm in this terrible limbo...i'm a little further out of the "early early grief" stage, but i still can't see the forest from the trees. so i planned. i planned a trip to an acupuncturist {holy mother of Mary, i could seriously use any form of relaxation i can get these days}. and the plans i am the most excited about...

i planned a weekend trip for D and i at the end of the month to atlanta. i desperately need to get away from this place. from my house. from the memories. not from Juju, of course, he will be coming with us. i booked us a room in a really nice hotel. and i'm making plans now to schedule an appointment to get my memorial tattoo done. i'm stoked about getting a chance to hang out with D uninterrupted. stoked about the chance to stop doing everything by the book, like i always do, and just splurge on me, on us. i need this trip. i'm tired of feeling like the world is turning its back on me. i'm tired of doing the same things, day in and day out hoping something will change. i'm tired of depriving myself now because of "the future." i'm just tired.

so this has given me something to do, and something to look forward to...for now. we also plan to take a trip sometime in may {around his birthday}, so once we get back from our trip to atlanta, i will start on planning that one.

****

in some lighter news, this saturday is the end of giveaway #3. if you have not gotten a chance to enter, please check out this post and do so. this sunday is the day of my Thirty-One fundraiser party. my dear friend, nikki, will be donating 20% of the total sales to Juju's memorial fund at The CJ Foundation for SIDS {our goal is $5k in 2011}. please check out nikki's page to see all of the adorably cute things Thirty-One has to offer. you don't have to attend the party in person. you can order online directly from nikki, and all of the online sales {from now until march 13th} will count toward this event. so go score something cute for yourself and your loved ones!! ♥

i'm still here...

i made it, fortunately or unfortunately {depending on my mood}, through my 1st christmas without my Juju. i'm still here, i'm still breathing, i'm still heartbroken. christmas day itself was not as painful as i thought it would be. but then again, it didn't really feel like christmas at our house, so it wasn't necessarily an added layer of pain that we had to get through. D and i stayed in, and it very much felt like just another day. we are so glad that we decided to forego celebrating the holidays this year like we had originally planned. staying home in our safe environment was definitely what we needed to do to get through this time. and thanks to the suggestion of a friend {thank you, andrea}, we lit a candle all day on christmas eve and christmas day for Julius. it helped me to feel as though he was always nearby.

this past week hasn't all been sad and painful. there have been some moments of light mixed in...

last week, ms. linda, the executive director at The CJ Foundation for SIDS,  sent me an email asking if i would like to be a guest blogger for them. she has been so very helpful and supportive to us during this time, and i was incredibly honored that she thought of me. the piece she wanted me to write about was my thoughts on facing the new year without Julius. i, understandably, have a lot {probably too much} to say about this topic, and was a bit stressed out about how i was going to organize all of my thoughts. but after working on it this weekend, i sent it to her this morning, and i'm looking forward to her posting it. i will post it on here after she's posted it {i don't want to spoil anything}. but again, it means so much that i was given this opportunity to honor my son.

i also finished my 1st journal yesterday. some of you may remember the post where i mentioned that i received a journal from some of my friends from my hometown {thank you, shelly and amanda}, and have written Julius a letter every day since the 1 week mark of his passing. well at 2 months and 2 weeks since i said goodbye to my son, i finished Vol. 1 of "Letters to Juju" {thanks for that name, fabby}. i skimmed through some of the earlier letters to him, and i noticed that even though i have made some progress with my feelings, i'm still very heartbroken, and very lost. the overall feelings of "darkness" are still there, but are now mixed in with some moments of hopefulness  - something that wasn't around early on. and today, i started my 2nd journal - Vol. 2 {thank you, michelle}. i think the quote on the front is especially fitting.

and the last thing that happened this morning is that i already reached my first goal mark of $1000 for Juju's memorial fund at CJ. i even increased my goal amount to $1500 {and got to gloat to D some more - again, it felt really good}. i am absolutely speechless at everyone's generosity. i definitely think it's a testiment to how many loving people are surrounding me, and how much my son is loved. he was only in my arms for 4.5 short months, but he completely changed my life forever. i again thank everyone that has donated {and who has even thought about donating}. thank you for contributing to such a worthy cause and organization. thank you for helping ensure that one day no one will have to lose a child this terribly tragic way. and thank you most of all for remembering our son. ♥

**updated to add: i ended up taking angie's advice and changed my goal amount for Juju's memorial fund to $5k! thank you, girl, for suggesting that.**

Thank you

i just wanted to take some time to say some thank you's...

i was so overwhelmed by all of the positive comments i received yesterday from my blog post. to know that there are so many people that are supportive of what i am trying to do brings a smile to my face. not only that, but THANK YOU to everyone that has donated to Juju's memorial fund. i don't know if you noticed, but i am now more than halfway to my $1k goal!! so, i guess that means that very soon i may need to increase that goal amount {funny thing is D actually thought i was being too ambitious with that amount, so i've actually gotten a chance to gloat about how he was wrong. i haven't done that in a long time, and it felt really good}. these days, in terms of friends, it is definitely about quality not quantity. but i've been lucky enough to have the best of both worlds. i'm not sure what i've done to deserve such great people in my life, but i'm not going to ask questions. and i hope everyone decides to stick around.

i'd also like to say thank you to everyone that reads my blog. i've gotten a few emails, messages, comments from people who have stumbled across my blog by accident. and they usually start off with "i hope you don't mind me reading your blog..." of course i don't mind. i started this blog about a week after i found out i was pregnant with Julius as a way to document my pregnancy journey and keep my friends and family updated since our families live in different states. when he was born i just decided to continue the blog as a way to document life as a mother. never in a million years did i think my life would take this tragic turn, but it has now become a blog about my life without him and my journey through grief. and the reason that i love and welcome new readers is not at all about the popularity - i think any BLM would tell you that they would rather have their baby back then to even have a blog - but it's about getting a chance to talk about the smallest person that forever changed my life. it's about telling the world about the little boy that i had a privilege to grow, birth, care for, and love even if it was for a short time. because every grieving parent's worst fear is that everyone will forget their child. so i love every reader {new and old} because to me it means that there is 1 more person that is thinking of my boy...and then, just maybe, i'll never have to let go...

and though we are not "celebrating" Christmas this year. i hope everyone out there reading has a wonderful Christmas day. to all of my BLMs i hope this Christmas is as gentle as it can be on you. i'm sending you all lots of love and strength now and always. ♥