When Bad Things Happen to Good People

a few months ago, brooke mentioned that she read the book When Bad Things Happen to Good People by harold kushner, and recommended it. i'm sure it's understandable that after a tragedy, people tend to look for the meaning behind it all. they try to comprehend why this terrible thing has happened to them. sometimes they turn there anger and blame toward others - their spouse, the daycare provider, etc. sometimes {as in my case}, they turn their anger and blame toward themselves and God. this book really helped me let go of a lot of that anger. it helped me understand that God isn't some genie granting wishes for some people - the most deserving one - but not others, like i previously thought. He doesn't sit up in heaven on a throne picking out whose child should live and whose should not.  He doesn't decide which family member should be killed in a car accident, and who should live. He just isn't like that. if it were up to him, i have to believe, everyone would live and that there would be no suffering or pain. but unfortunately for us {the ones suffering and in pain}, He does not grant wishes.

sometimes things just happen for no apparent reason. sometimes tragedies befall bad people {and i think this is what society would consider "karma"}, but unfortunately tragedies happen to good people too. i'd like to consider myself a good person. one that has had something incredibly tragic and unfair happen to them. and it happened, not because i sometimes have a "potty mouth." it happened not because i wasn't in church every sunday. because i was a little short with D one day, or because i didn't give enough of my income to charity. it happened because, well because sometimes terrible, unfair, unjust things happen. it's not a punishment for anything {even though it feels like a punishment for everything}. He didn't "give me this" because i am any stronger than anyone else. He didn't give me this because i handle tragedy better, or because He knew i would do something with my pain. He's not trying to test me as a person, or as a type-A planner. He's not trying to get his agenda/point across.

all of those things that i've been made to believe because of all of the platitudes people {my past self included} say are all wrong. you know, all of the "it's all part of His plan," "He gave you this for a reason," "He doesn't give you more than you can handle." all of those trite lines that are made to give some meaning to our pain and tragedy led me to believe that He was "giving" me all of this. it led me to a place where i was very angry at God. i mean, who wouldn't be angry at someone who purposely tries to see how much you can take before you snap? that's not what a loving, caring god would do. that is just downright cruel. and it wasn't until i read the book that i realized that all of those lines can really do more harm to grievers than good.

even though the book helped me to let go of most of those misplaced feelings {hey, it's going to take some time ok}, i'm still angry. but i'm more so angry at the situation rather than at God. and i'm able to concentrate on praying to God for comfort rather than asking for my "wishes" to be granted. i'm now able to ask him for strength to pick myself up after a disappointment. and for the most part, He has provided {and continues to provide} that. He has placed such wonderful people in my path. He has given me a group of women that understand the pain of losing a child, and who tirelessly help me not feel so alone, even at those moments when i try to alienate myself. yes, with my new understanding of my God, it's pretty easy for me to see that He is present and all around me. i no longer feel "picked on" or abandoned by Him. and i'm just so thankful that i stumbled on this book when i did.

**disclaimer: all opinions of God are mine and mine alone. you free to form your own opinion of the God you believe it.**

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Dear Juju,
Today is your 10 month birthday. I'm missing you so very much. And I wish with all of my heart and soul that you were here with me. Life is still pretty difficult without you. But I'm fighting hard to make it. And I hope that with your help, I will. Please stay extra close to me for the next couple of days. I desperately need the extra love. I love you so much it hurts.
Love,
Mommy

They Don't Know...

earlier today brooke shared her thoughts {and the poem below} about being on how it felt to be on vacation, after the loss of her precious Eliza, and be in a place where no one knows that you are a bereaved parent. i found myself thinking about this same thing this weekend while on our little getaway. i remember one occassion in particular when we got out of our car after arriving at the mall. thinking to myself that if someone looked into my car and saw Juju's car seat, they would probably assume that we still had our baby, that we were currently living out our happy ending. and then i thought about how many other cars in the mall parking lot might be painting a picture so different from their owner's reality. how many other families were just too broken to remove the car seat of a baby no longer on this earth. how many other mothers at that mall were walking around with gapping holes in their hearts. it's just astonishing that such tragedies happen every.single.day. somewhere out there there is a family that has *just* begun their grief journey. and in mall parking lots there are cars, like mine, that carry the memories of a once blissfully happy family.


Those who are near me do not know that you are nearer to me than they are
Those who speak to me do not know that my heart is full with your unspoken words
Those who crowd in my path do not know that I am walking alone with you
They who love me do not know that their love brings you to my heart.
-- Rabindranath Tagore (1861-1941)


**edited to add**
it seems like i was having temporary amnesia. i knew i wanted to post more than just the poem, but my mind must have gone blank when i went to publish my post. today i have another prayer request...

this time it is for my dear friend tabatha. tabatha is momma to ms Savanna. Savanna lost her life to SIDS a month exactly after we lost Juju. she was 7.5 months old. and today is Savanna's 1st birthday, only she is in heaven instead of in her parents' arms. tabatha, please know that you and your hubby are constantly in my thoughts and prayers, but today i am holding you especially close to my heart.

Happy List - my tattoo

D and i are back home from our little getaway trip to ATL this weekend. i was just recovering from my illness the day we left, and as luck would have it D was *just* getting my illness the day we left. which he proceeded to have the entire trip. but on the whole, it was a good trip, and i'm glad we decided to go. because of the illness there wasn't a whole lot of doing {which means not a lot to talk about}, but my mission to get my memorial tattoo{s} was successful. so i will talk about that for this week's happy list...

i actually scheduled my appointment for the tattoo as the first order of business for our trip, and i'm so glad i did. we drove straight into ATL, stopped momentarily at the hotel to deposit our things, and then headed straight for the tattoo shop. my tattoo artist, jenny, was so amazing! she is the most adorable tattoo artist i have ever seen {not that i've seen many before, but still}. and she is super talented too {check out her blog}. once i found her blog, i knew she was "the one." anyway, as soon as i told her what i was thinking, she set to work designing it. we brought Julius with us, so she had something to go by.

Juju's urn

Julius Luciano, i carry your heart in my heart

directly behind my heart so we are always connected

i also told her that i wanted something on my wrist - in a more noticeable spot, since i would not be able to see the one on my back often. i had seen one of the pieces she had done with all of the sanrio characters {i'm a big hello kitty fan}, and really wanted to get the little frog, keroppi, with his name/nickname underneath. why you ask? well, several reasons. 1. he had this little frog toy that attached to the handle of his bucket seat that he LOVED to look at. and when he found his hands/arms, he would always reach out for him and move him around. i used to comment all the time to D about how much he loved "mr. ribbit," 2. kerropi's huge eyes remind me so much of Juju's, 3. keroppi and Juju both have dimples, 4. when Juju was really teeny tiny and would cry, i would always say that he was making a "froggy" face. so getting keroppi as a tattoo just made sense to me.

on my wrist

the tattoos didn't take long at all. though they did hurt. man, i had forgotten how much getting a tattoo hurts {i had 1 previously that i had gotten while in college}. but i took the pain like a champ, and half the time i was talking to jenny, so it wasn't really *that* bad. i'm so pleased with how they both came out, so the pain was totally worth it. and i got an immediate sense of comfort once they were both done. it's so nice to look down, and be reminded of my little boy. and it's brings me a wave of peace to be able to look in the mirror and see that his heart is connected to mine. to know that part of him will physically be with me forever, takes my very breath away.

And I'm Sick...

well i'm sick. i think i picked up something nasty from my dear friend who was sick this past weekend. quite frankly i'm surprised that in the 5+ months that Juju has been gone {has it really been that long???}, this is the 1st time i've been sick. with all the stress and strain that my body has been under, i'm truly shocked that it took this long to find myself here. but now in my new life as a grieving mother, a cold is not just a cold, it's a trigger. having a fever is not just having a fever, it's a trigger. in addition to just feeling extra sad, in addition to missing Julius even more, missing the fact that i no longer have to consider how my being sick would affect my child, i flash back to the time {the only time} that my baby boy had a fever...

he had just gotten one of his vaccination shots, and a few hours later was acting miserable. D called me at work and told me that he was behaving strangely. apparently he would start crying to be held, and then once he was being held he would quiet down, but the second you moved him away from you he would begin whimpering again. well, i took off of work and went straight home to see what was wrong, when i realized that he was having a fever reaction to his shots.

that night was a very long, stressful night for all of us. he was super needy, and we were running around trying to do everything humanly possible to make him feel better. it was so hard to see him in such a state. at one point, around 3 am, D decided to call the doc. needless to say, the doc was a bit irritated at us since he felt that what we were calling about was addressed in the informational sheet he gave us during our visit. i was so frazzled that my baby wasn't feeling well, and then that the doc now hated me that i went into our closet, shut the door and had a really good cry. a few minutes later, i pulled myself together and went back to mother my son. we finally got calmed down, and went back to sleep. when we woke up later that morning, he was feeling like his happy self again.

what i wouldn't give to have a fever be my worst problem again...

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prayer requests:

if you could please spare a thought/prayer for 2 lovely ladies, and baby loss mommas...

annette, mom to Valentina, who was pregnant with her rainbow baby, Little Bee. late last week, she learned that she had lost Little Bee. she is now a mom to 2 beautiful angels. the pain that you feel when you lose a child is unbearable, and here is this amazing woman, this loving and devoted mother, that has now lost 2 children. i will never begin to understand why these things happen or how the heart handles so much pain.

kalialani, mom to Leila. Leila is celebrating her first birthday in heaven today. like i've said before, i know may 30 will be a very emotional day for me. a day that should be spent celebrating the life of your child, is spent feeling the weight of their absence. it's just heartwrenching.

annette and kalialani, i'm thinking about both of you and holding you extra close to my heart. i hope that my prayers and the prayers of others are enough to get you over this intense wave of grief. i'm just so sorry that either of you have to feel this pain. ((hugs))

When There Was No Hope....I Hoped.

and thanks to franchesca and natasha, today i'm forced to hope...again. to create hope where there previously was none. today i will be combining my saturday happy list and my monthly hope post. what's brought me some light during my darkest hours this week?

1. changing the world. so i wake up {always against my will these days}, go through my routine getting ready for work, drive to work, pull into a parking space, look down to get my tea out of the middle console, and BAM! my eyes are immediate drawn to this...

i have never even realized that there were little messages on the tea bags themselves. i don't think i ever paid close enough attention. but for some reason, that was the first thing i saw when i looked down. and of course, all things tie back to Juju {in my head at least}. my choices? could it mean our choice to finally become parents? our choice to bring another human being into this world? i really don't know if i'm special enough to make choices that will change the world. but i do know 1 very special little boy who's mere existence forever changed mine.

2. mail. earlier this week i received a very thoughtful card and magnet from someone who has become a dear dear friend, and who is, unfortunately, a fellow SIDS mom - tabatha, mom to Savanna. she lost her precious Savanna exactly a month after i lost Juju. sickening that we both have SIDS and the 12th in common. but here she was, deep in her own grief, thinking of me and my little boy. sending me a card, with such a touching, meaningful message, and a gorgeous magnet {which is now proudly displayed on my fridge}. touching doesn't even begin to describe it.

3. the kindness of strangers. this week i received several heartfelt emails from people that have run across my blog. 1 email in particular moved me to tears. she expressed how sorry she was for my loss, and then offered to not only donate something for one of my monthly giveaways, but to help organize fundraisers in order to help us meet our $5k in 2011 goal for Juju's memorial fund at CJ Foundation!! i'm always so very amazed by the generosity of people, complete strangers. it is just another reminder that the heart of life really is good.

4. the kindness of friends. speaking of fundraisers, yesterday marked the end of the Thirty-One fundraiser that my dear friend nikki organized for me. she is going to donate 20% of the total sales to Juju's memorial fund. i haven't gotten the final estimate of the amount to be donated, but the last time i checked, it was a little over $200!! that almost brings us to the half-way point. wow. and another very generous, loving friend, jane, has offered to donate 100% of the proceeds from a garage sale she is having at the end of april to Juju's memorial fund. i know you guys are going to get sick of me saying this, but i have some amazing friends.

hope definitely seems to have an inverse relationship with grief. whenever i have moments of experiencing more grief, i see very little {if any} hope. and when i have my hopeful moments, the grief isn't as suffocating - i can actually breathe. this week, despite a pretty bad breakdown on tuesday, i had moments where i could actually breathe. i don't know what specifically brought it about, and i'm not going to try and figure it out, but i am thankful that i had these moments, and i hope they stick around.

5 Month Angelversary & Other Randomness

if grief were an actual person standing in front of me right now, i'd almost certainly punch him/her in the face. repeatedly. i'm pretty sure i would end up in jail at the end of it all. i'm spending most of my days these days in the "anger" stage of grief. as i look at the pictures of my fellow bereaved parents' angels, i can't help but become enraged. all of these perfect, innocent babies ripped from the arms of those that love them the most. stolen from this world by death. causing a ripple effect of heartache and pain. it just doesn't seem right, just, fair {dare i even use that word?}. i continue to ask the question "why?" daily. why Julius? why my baby boy? why us? i obviously have yet to receive an answer to my questions. but honestly, there is no answer that would be adequate or sufficient for me. there will never be an answer that i will accept.

this past saturday was Juju's 5 month angelversary. it, as expected, was a difficult day. i think i cried on and off the entire day. thankfully, i had scheduled an appointment with my counselor on that day. i don't think i realized it at the time, but it turned out to be a great idea. dennis and i decided to go out to eat, which was nice. we got to talk a bit, and i cried a bit more. i decided as we were heading to our car that i needed to do something to show Juju that i missed him. so we headed across the street from where we were to dollar tree, and i picked up a balloon to send him.

God bless dollar tree and their supply of balloons. if only i had brought my permanent marker with me {which from now on i will keep in my car at all times} i would have been set. but i was glad that i got to send him a little something anyway - my way of "mothering" him from afar, i suppose.

this weekend i also moved on to volume 3 of my journal {"letters to Juju"}. i know i have mentioned before that starting at a week after Julius passed away, i began writing him a letter everyday. it has brought me so much comfort to have that time dedicated to my baby boy, to tell him all the things that he's been missing, to tell him how much i'm missing and loving him. this is one of the reasons i was so moved to help out franchesca with Jenna journal drive. journaling has been such a big part of my grief journey. so i feel compelled to help give another grieving parent this option if they want it. i have put my 2 completed volumes in my time capsule with Juju's special things for safe-keeping.

Vol. 1

Vol. 2

Vol. 3

they all seem to have very fitting messages on the cover too {they have all been given to me by friends as well}. Vol 3 says "this is my wish for you:" and has a bunch of very touching wishes, but i underlined a few that spoke to my heart...

• "comfort on difficult days"
• "rainbows to follow the clouds"
• "faith so that you can believe"
• "patience to accept the truth"
• "love to complete your life"

right now those seem to be my deepest wishes, and i think it was just fitting that i got this journal when i did {and i have felt the same about each of the other journals}.

and lastly i would like you all to lift my dear friend tiffany up in thoughts and prayers. today is her daughter's 4th birthday up in heaven. as may looms nearer every day, and the dread i feel in my chest thinking about Juju's 1st birthday builds, i can not imagine the pain of having to celebrate 4 whole years without him. it never gets any easier to say goodbye to your baby, to your firstborn {as Genesis is for tiffany}. tiffany, i'm constantly thinking of your baby girl. but i'm holding you, the one left behind, extra close to my heart today. she will always be remembered, she will always be loved. ♥ Genesis ♥

Giveaway #3 Winner

i decided to use random.org this time to choose the winner, mostly because i ran out of the small post-its that i used to write the names on. but since yesterday was such a hard day emotionally, i really appreciated how simple it was to pick a winner using that site.

well, the winner of giveaway #3 - the personalized stationery set and matching address labels - is

Caroline!!

congrats girl, you get to choose between the following 2 patterns:

Impressionist Dot

Circle Spirals

send me an email with your choice, and i'll get that taken care of for you.

and for all of those that entered but did not win and would like to purchase your own set of personalized cards, nikki was gracious enough to offer to sell the cards for 25% off. just send her an email directly with "Juju" in the subject line, tell her which stationery set you would like, and she'll take care of you.

thank you all for entering! i hope you join me again on april 1st for my next giveaway. off to start planning that one...