i'm struggling...

for the past week i have really been struggling. the past couple of days, especially, i have felt like i'm back in the "early" days of grief {or should i say "earlier" days}.

it all started with new years. it's funny because even though i wrote up my feelings about facing the new year without Juju, even though i had time to prepare myself for all of the emotions the new year was about to bring my way, i was STILL not prepared for it. i thought i would be so happy to see 2010 come to a close. but on the evening of december 31, 2010, as i sit in our office at home hanging out with D, a wave of realization hit me....i am being forced further away from Juju by time. every day that passes, every year that closes, takes me further away from my little boy. i think i might have always generally known that, but it really sunk in that day. and then that realization started to suffocate me.

on new years day, D and i pretty much continued to loaf about the house. it was another pretty relaxing day. i spent most of the day cleaning up the house. i have always been somewhat of a neat freak, and enjoy cleaning the house. but i appreciate it even moreso these days because it gives me something to do, and something to distract me from the fact that the house is so empty and so lonely, it distracts me from thinking about the fact that i should be "mothering" someone at that moment, but i'm not. that evening a few friends whom we have not seen in a while, stopped by for a visit. we went out to dinner, and then came back to our house and chatted about everything that had happened since we last saw each other. they had missed seeing me pregnant, and as a mother, so we spent some time talking about that. i always enjoy talking about Juju and my experience as a mother. i found myself smiling and beaming as i spoke - so proud of myself and my baby. and then they left.....and then the realization that he is gone hit me again....and then i cried myself to sleep.

on sunday, D and i again continued to sloth about the house. thanks to netflix i was able to stream a marathon of the british car show top gear {btw, i'm not a car enthusist by any means, but this show is fantastic. the 3 guys that host it are hilarious. and it is definitely a safe, trigger-free show}. and then we decided to watch the movie that came in {the kids are alright}. it was going well, until.....2 of the characters started talking about burial vs cremation. all it took was 1 insensitive comment about cremation to send me into hysterics. and then the realization of what happened to my son, and the decision that i had to make regarding his resting place {!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!} hit me. i should have never.never.ever.ever had to make that decision. i should not have to think of ways to memorialize him. this can not be my life. but it is.

yesterday, well, D sent me that amazing letter he wrote to our son. if you are fortunate enough to know my hubby, you know that he's a very quiet, reserved guy {i think that a lot of times is a typical male trait}. he doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve the way that i do. but even though he doesn't, i *know* that he is in so much pain. and when i read his letter {i was at work, and he sent it by email} the weight of his loss and the weight of mine {even though they are the same person, it felt like double the loss yesterday} started to close in on me. i was able to get it together for a bit. but then i started looking around my desk at all the pics i have of him, and then i cracked...and, as i had done in my earlier grief days, i ran to my car, sat in the backseat next to his car seat, and cried, and cried and cried. and then i went to my appointment with my counselor, and cried and cried and cried.

today i'm feeling ok, maybe i'm on the upswing of this dark period. i know that grief is nowhere near linear, and i know that i am going to have another one of these dark moments. but hopefully for now, i'm on my way out of this one...