those left behind & prayer request

last night a dear friend messaged me to share a tragic story of a family near her hometown. this girl went to pick her 15 month old son up from her parents house, and on her way home with him, their car was hit by a car coming from the opposite direction. the girl passed away at the scene, and her son shortly afterward. leaving her husband, the father of her baby boy, all alone.

my heart just broke. but i was surprised for who it broke more for this time. i was devastated for her husband. i was crushed for him...the one left behind. before i became someone left behind myself, whenever i would hear a tragic story, my heart broke for the person/people that had passed away. it made me so sad that someone else had left this world. that they would no longer get to enjoy everything that life had to offer them, the happiness, the stuff, the people. although, of course i realized that those that had just lost a loved one would be sad {as i had been every time someone i loved passed away - which up until that point had only been my grandparents, and my uncle}, my thoughts/prayers always seemed to be with the one(s) that had died.

but now things are different. i have lost someone so close to me that i have literally lost part of myself - my child. i have joined the ranks of those left behind. and when you go through such a profound, life-changing loss like the loss of a child, your whole perspective on life and death is drastically altered {as i blogged about here}. it goes without saying that i think about my baby boy constantly. i miss him more and more every second of every.single.day. i love him more at this very second, than i have ever loved him {or ever loved anyone for that matter}. and though it breaks me down to the core that i don't have him here with me on this side. i know, deep down, that he is alright. he is not suffering. he is not crying, or needing anything {unfortunately for me, not even his momma}. he is fine.

i am the one that is not fine. i am the one that is suffering, that is crying, that is needing {him}. i am the one that is broken. we, the ones left behind, now have the grueling task of trying to make it in this world without the people we love. we have to learn how to function all over again. and what is really our motivation to do this? what is our motivation to continue on with life? in this life we are guaranteed more suffering. yes, i realize that losing a child is probably one of the worst suffering a person can face, and i've already been there. but i know i will face more disappointment, more heartache, more pain while i'm here.

hope and faith are the only things that any of us left behind have. hope that one day we will experience more than just merely existing. hope that one day we will actually want to continue to live, continue to enjoy everything that life has to offer us. faith that there is someone out there, watching over us that does see the pain that we are in, that does care, and that is helping us along the way. but for those of us left behind, those two words can sometimes seem like just that...words. even though i struggle daily to put one foot in front of the other, though i struggle at times to make it to the next moment and breath, i still continue to do so. and i truly believe at this point that it's because of all of the prayers that have been said for us.

and so i ask all of you to please send a prayer up for this family. please ask whoever it is you believe in to give this now wifeless husband, and childless father the strength to make it, the strength to put one foot in front of the other, and to take one breath at a time, until he gets to a point where he is doing more than just merely existing...

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Dearest Juju,
Tomorrow is your 5 month angelversary, and I still miss you so much it hurts. I am trying my hardest to make it in this world without you. I am trying my hardest to live the rest of my life in a way you would be proud of. But I want you to know that not a moment goes by that I don't think of you, or long to hold you, touch you and kiss you again. Today I officially booked my appointment to have my "Juju tattoo" done. I am so glad that I will have a piece of you with me forever. Please stay extra close to me the next few days as I get through yet another milestone day. I love you more than I ever have, but not more than I ever will. ♥
-Mommy