bah humbug

i seriously feel like scrooge. i can't believe christmas is in a few days. with the weather being as  unseasonably warm as it's been the last few weeks, and the fact that we no longer have cable service {yep, you read right, no tv channels for us *gasp*}, which means i'm spared all of those annoying christmas commercials. i've managed to evade the "christmas spirit" pretty well. we've put up no tree, we've purchased no gifts, we've sent out no cards. it's been pretty nice to not have that stress on us right now. it's not like we don't have enough to focus on with just grieving and trying to get through the rest of the year.

i feel like i'm a broken record. i re-read what i posted right before thanksgiving, and it all still holds true. i can't believe it's another holiday without my son. dammit i miss him so much. i woke up this morning with tears in my eyes just thinking about how lonely i am without him. i could just scream at the unfairness of it all. he is desperately missed and desperately loved. and here we are, without him, trying to dodge holiday after holiday. it's ridiculous, but it's my reality. i'm pissed off, but there's nothing i can do.

i'm thankful to those that have sent cards/gifts and continue to mention our son. it warms my heart every time. that's really the best present anyone could give me {and i'm sure any bereaved parent} - mentioning my child. for my fellow babyloss parents, please know that i will be keeping you close to my heart this weekend, as we all mark another holiday without our children. i hope that christmas is gentle on you all...

and the grief goes on...

just because his angelversary has passed, the load has not gotten any lighter. i still miss my son so desperately. last week i was so completely drained from all of the anticipation and stress of his angelversary that by friday i could hardly focus. i spent pretty much the entire weekend laid up on the couch, in seclusion, watching movies and pinning {my new time suck hobby since deactivating my fb acct for the 2nd time - if you're on pinterest, look me up!}.

and even though i'm over that hurdle, i'm starting to anticipate the dread of the upcoming months. this will technically be our 2nd holiday season without Juju, but since we were in such shock and denial last year, it really feels like our 1st. for the most part, we have decided to ignore the holidays once again. i know that one day i will feel up to "celebrating" again {or at least i hope}, but this year it still doesn't feel right.

i know these next couple of months will be hard, not only for myself, but also for a few of my dear BLM friends as we head for holidays and angelversaries. today, my heart is with my dear friend tiffany and her family as they mark the 1st angelversary of their amazing girl Ellie. i got the opportunity to meet tiffany and her family back in july when i went on my getaway to MN. and just like all of the BLMs that i have come to know since losing Julius, i feel a deep connection to her and her baby girl. so my heart is extra heavy today. if you get a chance, please stop by her blog and read all about her precious Ellie and say a little prayer for them.

The Holidays

the holiday season is now upon us. thanksgiving is tomorrow and christmas is right around the corner. like i mentioned in a previous post, D and i have decided to stay at home for both holidays and cancel our original plans of visiting our families {D's for thanksgiving, and mine for christmas}. and we've had several people show genuine concern about us doing this. so i thought i would take some time to talk about it...

it's not at all that i am trying to isolate myself, avoid family and friends, or be depressed/depressing. i absolutely love my family/friends {and all of their craziness}, and enjoy spending time with them. it's always a fun time when they {both families} are around. and i'm honestly not just saying that because my mom reads my blog. i know they all want the best for us, and want to surround us {in person} with their love and support.

the reason why we canceled our plans is because it is literally NOT POSSIBLE to do the holidays this year. one of the main reasons we were so excited to go see family for the holidays was so that we could introduce Julius to everyone {including extended family}; and, of course, experience his 1st holiday season with him. and now that he's not here, yes, it is *very* sad and painful to think about celebrating either holiday at all when such an important member of our family is no longer with us.

but that reason aside, we just can not make it - the logistics don't work out. these days i'm doing well to just get out of bed and work a full day. these days i'm guaranteed an emotional breakdown *at least* once a day {sobbing and howling included}. i've cried every.single.day since he passed away, and i don't see that ending any time soon {and why should it? he's worth all the pain and tears i have cried and will cry in the future}. i'm completely drained and emotionally exhausted by the end of the day from just having to function at work. and i just can not imagine what the stress of packing, traveling, and not being in my house/familiar environment, etc. compounded with grief will do to me. i don't even want to think about it. plus the holidays are times for being happy and joyful, and celebrating. and i don't feel like being or doing any of those things. i don't feel like giving thanks, or opening/buying gifts, or listening to carols, or even saying "happy thanksgiving" and "merry christmas".

i just want to keep it low-key. i don't want to worry about having a breakdown and not having the strength to leave my room or bed. i don't want to worry about having to travel a long distance, and being stuck in a car when my next "wave" of grief hits me. i don't want to worry about being in church and seeing a family with their infant, and running out of church crying because mine is no longer with me. i want to be in a "safe" environment. i want to stay in my pajamas. i want to {hopefully} catch a Law & Order marathon. and i want to pretend that it's just another day {which is hard enough}. instead of what it really is - the first thanksgiving and christmas without my heart, my world, my Julius.