Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Holidays

the holiday season is now upon us. thanksgiving is tomorrow and christmas is right around the corner. like i mentioned in a previous post, D and i have decided to stay at home for both holidays and cancel our original plans of visiting our families {D's for thanksgiving, and mine for christmas}. and we've had several people show genuine concern about us doing this. so i thought i would take some time to talk about it...

it's not at all that i am trying to isolate myself, avoid family and friends, or be depressed/depressing. i absolutely love my family/friends {and all of their craziness}, and enjoy spending time with them. it's always a fun time when they {both families} are around. and i'm honestly not just saying that because my mom reads my blog. i know they all want the best for us, and want to surround us {in person} with their love and support.

the reason why we canceled our plans is because it is literally NOT POSSIBLE to do the holidays this year. one of the main reasons we were so excited to go see family for the holidays was so that we could introduce Julius to everyone {including extended family}; and, of course, experience his 1st holiday season with him. and now that he's not here, yes, it is *very* sad and painful to think about celebrating either holiday at all when such an important member of our family is no longer with us.

but that reason aside, we just can not make it - the logistics don't work out. these days i'm doing well to just get out of bed and work a full day. these days i'm guaranteed an emotional breakdown *at least* once a day {sobbing and howling included}. i've cried every.single.day since he passed away, and i don't see that ending any time soon {and why should it? he's worth all the pain and tears i have cried and will cry in the future}. i'm completely drained and emotionally exhausted by the end of the day from just having to function at work. and i just can not imagine what the stress of packing, traveling, and not being in my house/familiar environment, etc. compounded with grief will do to me. i don't even want to think about it. plus the holidays are times for being happy and joyful, and celebrating. and i don't feel like being or doing any of those things. i don't feel like giving thanks, or opening/buying gifts, or listening to carols, or even saying "happy thanksgiving" and "merry christmas".

i just want to keep it low-key. i don't want to worry about having a breakdown and not having the strength to leave my room or bed. i don't want to worry about having to travel a long distance, and being stuck in a car when my next "wave" of grief hits me. i don't want to worry about being in church and seeing a family with their infant, and running out of church crying because mine is no longer with me. i want to be in a "safe" environment. i want to stay in my pajamas. i want to {hopefully} catch a Law & Order marathon. and i want to pretend that it's just another day {which is hard enough}. instead of what it really is - the first thanksgiving and christmas without my heart, my world, my Julius.

20 comments:

Rachel said...

Tiffany - I don't even know you IRL but I need to tell you that you have been in my thoughts and prayers. A friend from my July 2008 DDC was in your DDC and told me about your loss and shared your blog address. I have since been following your blog and my heart goes out to you and your family. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you feel on a daily basis.

Bex said...

<3

Our Journey said...

I completely understand and your family will too. It had only been two months when we lost Eden and then came the Holidays. We traveled for Thanksgiving and if I had it to do again, we would not have. Everytime someone hugged me or said they were sorry, it just hurt even more.

We decided that we would stay at home for Christmas and my parents came to us. Christmas morning when everyone woke up ready to open presents, I was ready to go to my baby's grave and sit there all day. I cried, I slept and I grieved the loss of her and what would have been had she been there.
I will definitly be thinking of you during this Holiday season. May you feel God's love and even His peace, even if it's for a little while.

Kristin said...

I totally understand, Tiffany. I feel the same way, and my husband and I too plan on making the holidays as low-key as possible this year. All these 'special' days really are the worst. Continue to think of you everyday! <3

Jamia said...

Tiffany, one thing that I have always admired most about you is that you are strong enough to do what is best for you no matter what anyone else says. I pray that God gives you strength during this most difficult time. If you need anything, I am only a phone call, text or FB message away.

Rhiannon said...

We are boycotting the holidays as well. I am just not in the mood and I think that it is perfectly acceptable. Like you said in the last line of your post --this is the first holiday season without my heart, my love. Perfectly put. Thinking of you and your sweet Julius during these hard times. (((hugs)))

Tiffany said...

Oh Tiffany.... You be true to yourself. You know how you need to grieve. No one else can tell you how to do it or what you should do (although trust me they will try). I hope no one tries to pressure you into going anywhere... Your loss is so recent and so raw that asking more of you is just too much and unkind. Sending you love and pray for peaceful days. ((hugs))

paula0277 said...

Tiffany,I do understand. My heart is very heavy and my tears keep coming. I know before you told us (even when we left Huntsville) that this would be your decision. I respect you and Dennis wishes. Even if I did'nt read your blog, I know how much you love us. I love you,Dennis and most of all "My Julius" very much. Grandmother (a.k.a. YaYa) :)

Angie said...

Tiffany I think of you all the time. I hate tomorrow happening even though our boys aren't here with us. How unfair is that?! We are here suffering and the whole world gets to keep moving on like there's nothing wrong. It sucks. Hoping these holidays will be gentle on you. Be kind to yourself. xo

Rachel said...

I can only imagine how hard these next few weeks will be for you. Please know you are always in my thoughts and prayers. I pray God will bring you peace!

Trena said...

I completely understand. We are keeping it all pretty low key ourselves. The holidays are suppose to be joyful and really...it just isn't this year. ((hugs)) thinking of you and praying for your family. ♥

Lindsay said...

You've been on my heart so much...even more with the holidays approaching. I remember last year...being right where you are. I dreaded every part of the holidays. I avoided Target and other shopping places because I didn't even want to see Christmas decorations. We gave gift cards as gifts because we couldn't bring ourselves to take part in selecting gifts for people. We visited family for Thanksgiving, and I remember wanting to run out the door as soon as we walked in. You do what is best for you. Your feelings are completely normal and understandable. The first year is marked with so many "firsts without ..... " and it sucks. Thinking of you and praying for you guys. And remembering Julius always. <3

cainml said...

This post (like many others of yours) made me tear up at the thought of your daily struggles. As well-meaning and supportive as family can be, sometimes even the thought of their reactions to your pain and sadness can be overwhelming. I don't blame you one bit for sticking around home this year. Try to enjoy the holidays as best you can, in your own way.

Angie said...

I don't blame you at all either. I know that we found it helpful to skip out on the holiday stuff we didn't feel like doing last year, and a lot of people in our support group skipped holiday stuff also.

This year, we do have plans to do all of the holiday stuff. It is still definitely very bittersweet, but we feel a lot stronger and able to get through them. (But we also don't have to travel and can just easily leave if we need to.)

rebecca said...

I'm glad you wrote out your feelings regarding the Holidays, you summed it up perfectly. I would rather skip over the Holidays this year completely, we can be scrooges together:) <3 you my friend.

Patty said...

I always check your ticker for J and I see that it's only been a month for you. You're right, you have to stay in a safe environment if it means taking a break from seeing other families. It's been about a year for me but we don't socialize much with those who have babies. Hope you can escape for a while with your fave TV shows, etc. Every time I see J's pic on your blog, it makes me smile...I bet every head turned to him in public.

Mackey said...

Just stopping to show some love. (((((HUGS)))))) take your time and heal in your own way. Love you, Mackey

Anonymous said...

Hi Tiffany....I do understand your thought process of no celebrating the holidays this year. We love you and can understand your sorrow everyday....As they say, there is no place like home...your comfort zone...I understand watching Law and Order Marathon's they do help the day go by as we try to help them solve each and every crime episode.....We love you and continue to pray for you and D....Debo

littleharves said...

hi tiffany thanks for the post on my blog, sweetheart you are still in the very early stages of grief and you need to do whatever it takes to survive day by day right now. i'm sure your family will understand, they just want to love you and help you by surrounding you because they don't know what else to do to help you. unfortunately there is nothing they can do, grief is such an isolating journey. i think you and your husband spending the day at home together sounds right. i couldn't leave the house for the first 6 months except to get essentials. thinking of you and your sweet sweet juju and i am so sorry for your loss xxx anne

Jen said...

just saw your comment from Anne's page ((Harvey))and wanted to come over and tell you that I am soo sooo sorry that you and your husband have lost such a precious little boy..

We lost our daughter about 18 months ago, she was 8 months and 29 days old.

my advice is to remember to be gentle with yourself, feel what you need to feel and don't worry about others being uncomfortable ((family dinners, etc.)) I still have moments when the wave hits and I excuse myself and let it out..its not natural to lose our children, so there can't possibly be a right or wrong way to grieve them..anyway..sending hugs and prayers..

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