My Light is Shining

i'll admit, while i did look at a few baby name websites while i was pregnant with Julius, i did it moreso to find a name that i thought sounded good rather than to research the meaning of the names i did like. so a few weeks ago while surfing the web, i decided to look up the meaning of Juju's name. when i typed in Julius i got "down-bearded youth." i wasn't {and i'm still not} sure what that even meant. and i definitely wasn't impressed with myself for coming up with that name. but then when i typed in Luciano, i got chills. "LIGHT!"

my baby has definitely lived up to his name. he is my light in the midst of this darkness. i've said it time and time again, he taught me so much about life and real, pure love in his short time with us. i've learned more from my 4.5 month old son than many people learn in their entire lives. and though i found it fitting and meaningful when i discovered it {apparently D had known all along what his son's name meant - he gets the father of the year award}, it wasn't until church this morning that i really felt the power of his name.

at the end of the service we began singing a song about letting our light shine. and as i sang the words, i thought about my light - Julius. i thought about how he's changed me, how he's made me a better person, a more open person, a more loving person, a person who is now true to myself and my family. i thought about how i've decided to only do meaningful things while i'm trapped on this earth without him, how i would like to reach out and help those in need. and i realized that i'm allowing {or at least trying to} my "light" to shine, for all the world to see. maybe there is a reason that i've been singing "here comes the sun." maybe it's not necessarily about being hopeful, maybe {for me} it's about realizing that my sun/my son is my light. he's the light that will get me through the darkest part of my life so that i can eventually say "it's alright."

at least that's my take on it...today.