Sunday, February 27, 2011

My Light is Shining

i'll admit, while i did look at a few baby name websites while i was pregnant with Julius, i did it moreso to find a name that i thought sounded good rather than to research the meaning of the names i did like. so a few weeks ago while surfing the web, i decided to look up the meaning of Juju's name. when i typed in Julius i got "down-bearded youth." i wasn't {and i'm still not} sure what that even meant. and i definitely wasn't impressed with myself for coming up with that name. but then when i typed in Luciano, i got chills. "LIGHT!"

my baby has definitely lived up to his name. he is my light in the midst of this darkness. i've said it time and time again, he taught me so much about life and real, pure love in his short time with us. i've learned more from my 4.5 month old son than many people learn in their entire lives. and though i found it fitting and meaningful when i discovered it {apparently D had known all along what his son's name meant - he gets the father of the year award}, it wasn't until church this morning that i really felt the power of his name.

at the end of the service we began singing a song about letting our light shine. and as i sang the words, i thought about my light - Julius. i thought about how he's changed me, how he's made me a better person, a more open person, a more loving person, a person who is now true to myself and my family. i thought about how i've decided to only do meaningful things while i'm trapped on this earth without him, how i would like to reach out and help those in need. and i realized that i'm allowing {or at least trying to} my "light" to shine, for all the world to see. maybe there is a reason that i've been singing "here comes the sun." maybe it's not necessarily about being hopeful, maybe {for me} it's about realizing that my sun/my son is my light. he's the light that will get me through the darkest part of my life so that i can eventually say "it's alright."

at least that's my take on it...today.

12 comments:

Kat said...

And he does shine through you, everyday. :) Julius has touched my own heart in a deep way, and often I think of him, as I was telling you the other day. I hope, like the light your Juju is, his rays spread into other areas of your life to bring you happiness from him. Always praying for you!

Angel said...

He will always shine through you now.. Praying for your family..

Brooke said...

Your life is already a tribute to your son and that is such a beautiful thing. I admire the way you honor his legacy.

Mary said...

I learned something awesome about Gage's middle name after he passed away. You know how Gage always sends me bunnies and the importance of the Velveteen Rabbit story to us. Well, I was at the bookstore last year having a really bad day. Missing Gage terribly. I was drawn to a book about bunnies so I opened it up. Inside, it had a picture of a mommy bunny and her babies all nestled together in their little home. I learned that mommy bunnies make a little next for their babies before they are born. It is called a warren. Gage's middle name is Warren! It took my breath away! It's amazing how our boys continue to live in our hearts!

sarah said...

So beautifully put, Tiffany.

xo

rebecca said...

You are such a beautiful person & are so incredibly inspiring ((hugs))

Caroline said...

What a beautiful post & such a beautiful person. {{{{HUGS}}}}

Tiffany said...

So fitting! The light part- not the down-bearded youth part (really what does that mean??). Julius' little face just radiates with light and he definitely left some of it in his mommy!

MELISSA said...

Beautiful! I love how you keep receiving signs and Julius continues to show you he is still with you.

Rachel said...

What a beautiful post!!

TanaLee Davis said...

I can appreciate the name thing...I made up my daughters first name...I don't think it has a meaning...I just wanted it to be unique. The light that we shed from this darkness is hope..hope in our future, hope that one day infant death will be a thing of the past. Yes one day death and its misery will be a thing of the past. Keep on shining! Hugs-
Felicia

Nicole said...

BEAUTIFUL! Thank you for sharing this! His light is shining through you...you're doing so much to help other people who go through losing children. SHINE ON!!!! :)

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