Monday, February 14, 2011

Giveaway Winner and other ramblings...

well, i'm going to do the important stuff first, and announce the winner of the 2nd giveaway - a blog makeover by franchesca at Small Bird Studio. the winner was chosen, with Juju's help, by the same technical process that the previous giveaway winner was chosen {i liked incorporating Julius in the selection}. and the winner is..............................................

Brigette!

congrats, brigette! i hope that winning this contest has brought you a little bit of sunshine on this valentine's day. and i hope this blog makeover gives you another way to memorialize your dear Kael like it has helped me do with Juju. please send me an email, and i will put you in contact with franchesca.

thank you to everyone that participated. if you didn't win, and would like to have a blog makeover, stop by Small Bird Studio and see the lovely franchesca. she is amazing to work with, is reasonably priced {she even offers a discounted price for baby loss parents}, and a portion of every blog design this month will be donated to march of dimes - team KJ.

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and now for the rambling...

this weekend was a very difficult one for me. saturday was the 4 month anniversary of Julius' passing. and as expected, i woke up with tears in my eyes and an extra heaviness in my heart. i miss my little boy tremendously, and milestone days like that day just amplify all the emotions i'm feeling. since it was saturday, it was zumba day, and so i decided to teach my class. zumba has been an outlet for me, and i always leave class feeling so loved and happy {i've got some amazing people in my class}.

well for a few days leading up to saturday, i had been thinking of buying a storage bin and packing some of Julius' things away. so after class, i headed over to target {which was a nightmare itself because it seemed like every.single.baby in this freaking city was there that day} and bought one. i was a bit wounded when i arrived home, but was still feeling brave enough to tackle the task. and so, i walked over to the glider that since his death has been filled with sympathy cards, and packed them away. i walked over to our dresser, which we kept his clothes in, and which had not been opened since his death, opened his drawers, and packed his clothes away. and as i did all of this packing away of my son's life, i cried, and i cried, and i smelled and held his things, and cried some more. i moved onto the closet and his changing table and packed some more of his things away. i didn't sort through anything - and don't plan to for a while. but i just wanted to put everything of his together, in a safe place. and on the side of the storage bin, i wrote a little message to him: "i carry your heart, i carry it in my heart."


since i didn't get a chance to share a pic of him yesterday. i will share a series of pics of him today. one of the hardest set of pics for me to look at are the pics from his baptism. i even turned off our digital picture frame because it seemed like every time i looked at it, it was on these pics. that day was very special/stressful for me. besides the obvious of my son being baptized, i was stressed about how he would react {most babies tend to cry during their baptisms}. and then while at mass, which we went to right before, he decided to that he was not going to take a bottle. at all. {and i was not in a breastfeeding-friendly dress}. so in order to get him to stop being fussy, i bounced him to sleep. and asleep he stayed... 


until the pouring of water on his head...


and then he was awake...


but instead of  crying, he actually thought the whole thing was really funny...


yep, my son smiled at Father the entire time. he was a charmer, who could melt your heart with his bright smile.

Juju,
Happy Valentine's Day, baby! I wish you were here to celebrate with us. I wish I could shower you with extra kisses and hugs today. Daddy and I miss and love you so very very much. We carry your heart, we carry it in our hearts. ♥
-mommy

10 comments:

Tiffany said...

oh tiffany.... how very heartbreaking to pack everything. Im so sorry my friend. I wish I was there to send you a hug!! The photos are just precious. <3

Tiffany said...

Juju's smile strikes again! Thank you for sharing all of his pictures with us. He is such a beautiful little guy and has such a powerful smile!

Brock and Shana said...

Tears. My heart breaks for you, your husband and little Juju. I know how hard it was for me to pack away the mess of a nursery we had going. So I can't even BEGIN to imagine the strength that you needed to do that. I think your little man is giving you strength. I hated when people told me I was so strong. It's not like we get a choice. We have these horrible losses but we have to keep living. I never felt strong, just like I was functioning in my most basic mode as a human. So I truly admire your strength and ability to keep living at this level. Hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs....................

Angie said...

Oh the baptism pictures are so so cute.

And big hugs for packing his things away.

Susan said...

It's only 4 months - a beat of an eyelid. Catherine was gone for 10 months on Sunday.

It is a huge step to pack your son's stuff - take it as slowly as you need. Only you know when the time is right. xx

Jessica said...

Thanks for sharing more moments of Julius's life. I am so sorry you had to wake up with such a heavy heart today.

Wishing you moments of peace.

Trena said...

((huge hugs)) I am sitting here in tears. Amazing and special pictures. ♥ I am thinking of you always.

Spectrum Mommy said...

What sweet, amazing pictures! Such a little charmer! So sorry for the heavy weekend. Bless you always.

rebecca said...

I love the picture of him smiling at his baptism! That is a huge step to pack away his things, I still have my stack of sympathy cards and haven't really touched anything in the nursery! I suppose at some point I'll have to do it, I just keep that door shut all the time, but at some point I'll have to face that task. Thinking of you and sending love, thanks for again inspiring me <3

brigette said...

These are beautiful pictures! Such a sweet boy!! Thanks for the giveaway I am so excited!!

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