Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Change

change has been the overwhelming theme of the last couple of weeks. i've recently heard it said that a change comes about in a person's life out of "inspiration or desperation." i think we all know which of the two i'm operating under {it's desperation, for those that want to give me too much credit}. and as if someone is trying to drive the message home to me, i found this quote on the blog Honoring our Angels: "in this life we will encounter hurts and trials that we will not be able to change; we are just going to have to allow them to change us." i don't know where life is going to take me, and this has done nothing but terrify me. i hate change, i hate the unknown, and my heart and mind have been clinging to every "constant" they can. but the thing is, it doesn't seem to be working for me. at all.

sunday i really started feeling as though change is coming. it's not a physical change {i've already gone through that painful change}, but more of an internal change, like i'm starting to morph into someone else. it's really hard to describe. and usually when i feel overwhelmed, i clean. and that's what i did. i cleaned up/out several aspects of my life. i got rid of books on my bookshelf that were just taunting me by being in my house {"the discipline book," - pretty presumptuous of me, eh? "the BABY SLEEP book" - seriously???}. i cleaned out my nightstand and moved some of his things to a storage bin. i cleaned up my facebook friends list {don't know why i felt the strong urge to do that one, but i did}. i cleaned some things out of the garage, and made a pile to give other things away {like the 2 guinea pig cages i was saving for Juju's 1st and 2nd piggies}. i removed all of the outlet protectors that i put up shortly after i found out i was pregnant {again, pretty presumptuous of me}. for some reason, i just feel like i have to "shed weight" in my life in order to move forward toward my new life. my new life of being a grieving mother and...

right, the rest hasn't been filled in yet. the rest is still "to be determined." and though i hate {and will always hate} that i'm being forced to wait and find out what life has in store for me. i'm being forced to relinquish control of my life {or the control i thought i had}. i'm trying hard to be open to it, and accept where life is taking me {which is definitely not to be confused with accepting what has happened}. i'm trying hard to be thankful for the experiences i've had. to say, "you know what? though i want nothing more than to be an earthly mom again and NOW, if i don't get that chance ever, well, Julius was absolutely perfect, and i'm so blessed that i had the chance to grow, birth, know and love him" {most of the time i take the opposite approach of throwing a temper tantrum because he was ripped from my arms}. i'm trying hard to grow with life, instead of against it. hopefully, with Juju by my side, i can - little by little.


even after spitting up, he still knew how to work a camera!

10 comments:

Rachel said...

I'm so proud of you!! I hope you realize what a huge inspiration you are.

Caroline said...

You're certainly right about change. I don't even like it when I'm planning for it or ready for it! So it's especially hard when it's not part of "the plan!" But I just loved what you had to say and what you wrote about sweet Julius. You're right - he was (and always will be) your perfect boy and while I hate how short his time was cut, I'm glad that he was able to impact your life the way he did. He's helping shape you into the person you were meant to be.

And gosh his pictures are so stinkin' cute!! :)

Our Journey said...

You are so right! I don't think any of us are the person we used to be...we are changed!
You are also right about control. I feel like I always wanted to know what else God had in store for me. Now I feel like I have given the control thing over to God...
I am loving the pictures of your son. Thank you for sharing. ((hugs))

My New Normal said...

I too used to think I had control over my life. That's one of the first lessons that my grief taught me. You are not in control of much of what happens to you, you only control how you respond.

noah's mommy + daddy said...

Again, I could have written this! It is so hard not to plan our life. Our entire life we plan - go get married, have kids and then take them to disney world, to the zoo, parks, their first day of school, the sports they'll play, the first girlfriend, their wedding, their children....it goes on and on. And when you actually realize all your dreams can't come true - that sometimes they are stopped dead in their tracks, it is earth shattering (on so many levels of course!) I too feel like I can't plan my life anymore and I have to just sit here and see what else is waiting for me. I'm praying it's only good things from here on out for both of us...but it's kind of a scary wait!

MELISSA said...

I can absolutely identify with the Type A personality traits: planning, control, organization. On a much smaller and completely different scale, I too had to learn about 'letting go' and 'accepting the unknown' in 2010. It's scary as hell!!

After reading this post, I have to say once again that I am honored to have you as a friend and my teacher. I think everyone in our lives can teach us a lesson and you definitely open my eyes to the innate goodness of the human spirit and the power of love. The fact that you can even conceive of these ideas right now is awe-inspiring.Your insight and positive outlook teach me the importance of perseverance, gratitude and humility. Thank you

rebecca said...

You're right change is always hard, but this type of life altering change, well it's challenging to say the least! You are such an inspiration though, I can see a bit of a shift in you even just in your writing. I hope you continue to feel the strength that you quite obviously possess as you move forward. Love you so much ((hugs))

Natasha said...

Realizing that you are letting go of the control you thought you had has been one of the hardest parts of this whole situation for me. I thought I could control everything but I've learned to accept that it's not always going to be what I want.

I just have to say that I love reading your posts. You give me such inspiration and your strength makes me want to be strong.

Again a beautiful picture of Juju!

((hugs))

MrsH said...

I love Juju's pictures, he looks so kissable and soft. Put all that stuff in a box in the garage somewhere. You will need it again, at least the outlet covers. I planted a heavy plant in a pot on top of my box, and got to mostly ignore it until now. Now I need access to that box again (with my mat stuff from before) and can't move the plant.
I dont like change either, it is usually scary and so far has not been good to me. I understand that part well. But you do not sound desperate, rather inspired.

Brooke said...

Like you, I hate change. And I'm a huge planner. I waited for the perfect time, I was so ready to be a parent, and now that I don't have my baby, I just don't even know what to do with myself. It is terrifying to look at the future and have no plan and no idea what to expect. I think you're right, though, that taking these small actions in the present moment can help us feel slightly more capable of managing whatever it is coming our way. It's obvious that you were an amazing mom to Julius and I hope that you will be parenting his brother or sister before long.

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