"no, no kids yet"

*sigh* i have read the books, and heard the people say that there will come a time in my grief journey where i will come to a cross roads in determining what to answer when people ask me the question "do you have kids?". i kept that in the back of my head, all the while thinking that i most likely wouldn't be one of those people. as painful as that question has been, i have always found myself answering truthfully. as much as i stammer through the answer, i do answer correctly. until today...

in my last post i mentioned that i had gotten a flat tire {effin' tire!!!!!! sorry, i'm still a bit mad at the world}. well, i drove the car over to the dealer to get a new tire. but they are short-staffed, so because i didn't want to sit there and wait {because if i sat there and waited, i would have to be reminded of the last time i took my car in WITH JULIUS and how we sat in the waiting room and watched tv, and i bounced him to sleep, and later feed and changed him.  and how we had so much fun together even though we were *just* waiting for my car to be serviced.} i told them that i would leave my car there as long as they needed it, as long as i could get a ride to work. so they paged their driver, and a few minutes later, i was on my way to work.

a minute or two into the drive, and i can tell this is not going to go my way. he was a talker, and was asking questions. i managed to deal with the chit chat. i even thought that i was about to dodge the bullet that i knew was going to pierce right through my heart. and then came the following series of questions, and i knew i didn't stand a chance:

Him: "do you have any family here?"
Me: "no, just me and my husband" {here is where i think i've evaded THE question}
Him: "o, so you're married? how long have you been married?"
Me: "umm, 6.5 yrs."
Him: "you like married life?"
Me: "umm, yea"
Him: "ANY KIDS YET?"
Me: "no, no kids yet"

we actually pulled up to my building as i was answering the last question, so i quickly jumped out of the car and ran fast toward the front door. i feel so so terrible. not because i denied that i have a child to a complete stranger. i feel terrible because the fact that i had to deny that i have a child today to this complete stranger speaks volumes to me about how i'm doing today. the fact that i didn't even have the strength to utter the words "yes, i have a child, but he has passed away" tells me that i really am not doing well today. i knew this morning, after one of my "grief bursts," that it was going to be a tough day. but i thought i was feeling a bit better. i thought i had pulled myself together enough to be able to handle the rest of the day. i guess i was wrong. sometimes i really feel like i'm damned if i do, and damned if i don't.

if you are out there reading, would you mind sending up an extra prayer for me today. i'm thinking i might need them to get through the rest of the day, especially since this guy is going to have to pick me up to take me back to the dealer...

**update: thank you guys so much for your prayers. a dear friend, and coworker offered to drive me to the dealer to get my car this afternoon so i wouldn't have to deal with, as another friend put it, "chatty charles."**

weeding my garden

i'm still here. the last couple of days have been so hectic. in between grieving, working on my new projects, and dealing with my car getting a flat tire i haven't had a spare moment to post like i want to. arrgh! i'm still dealing with the drastic ebb and flow of grief. i had an appt with my counselor on sun, and i think i cried more that day (more than 3 months out) then i have ever cried with her. so many feelings, and emotions can hit you without any warning, and that is exactly what happened on sun. but i continue to take it 1 step/breath/moment at a time.

a dear friend of mine posted a quote on her facebook page that got me thinking. it was: "friendship isn't about who you've known the longest ... it's about who came and never left your side." for some reason that quote kind of left me momentarily speechless. i have been doing so much thinking about this very topic since Juju passed away. a few months ago i even posted about the fact that i had begun the hard process of analyzing the relationships in my life.

my sweet friend, angie, shared this article with me after my original post. the article, entitled "weeding your garden" is a personal account by the author, which compares this process of scrutinizing the relationships in our lives after the death of our children to, well, weeding a garden. it is a fantastic article, and pretty much summed up everything that i had been feeling or going through. but i found the following paragraph particularly true:

It was the death of my child that was different. I had changed overnight but they had not. I was not that same person any longer and they wanted the “old” me back. They wanted everything to go back to “normal”. But this was the new me and my life had taken a different path and this was a journey they did not want to take with me. My grief had suddenly shifted from grief for my son to anger towards them and I was going down a very dangerous road. I had veered off my path of grief and was headed down the winding road of hate and rage. My world was spinning out of control and I needed to reclaim it. I realized that my focus needed to be on my son if I was going to move through this grief process in a healthy way. It would have been very easy to shut out everyone. But what I needed to do was to remove any outside forces that were preventing me from my journey.

i have learned that real friendship *isn't* at all about the people i have known the longest, or even the people i have met in person. it's about the people that stand by you at your very worst moments. it's about those that are there while you are red-faced from crying, sitting on the floor, with snot running down your face, and don't turn away. it's about those people that drive over to your house to cut your hair because you feel as though it's suffocating you and keeping you from grieving. it's about those that rise above their fears of losing a child themselves, or potentially upsetting you, or {insert numerous other reasons people give for staying away}, and reach out anyway. it's about those that acknowledge your child, and the impact that they had {and continue to have} in your life even though they are not physically on this earth with us. that is what real, true friendship is about. yes, i have been disappointed in some people. yes, i have felt abandoned by some that i considered close friends. but, luckily, for every 1 person that has abandoned or disappointed me, it feels like 2 more have taken up their post. i may have lost some friends through this, but i have not felt as though my "love bubble" has gotten smaller - in fact, i think it's grown.

i never thought that i would be doing so much re-arranging of my life. i never thought grief would have such an impact on every.single.aspect of my life {seriously, there is even certain foods that i cannot eat anymore, and places i still can not go because they so painfully remind me of that horrid day}. this is the collateral damage of grief. unfortunately, i'm on this different path. and because i'm here, i *have* to make the painful choice to let go of friendships/relationships that i have held onto for various reasons. i need to, as the author of the article so eloquently put it, remove any outside forces that prevent me from my journey through grief. but i wish i didn't even have to make these decisions at all...

Blog Award

i'm always very humbled when someone tells me that they read {and enjoy} my blog. i know i've said it before, but it really just started out as a way for me to document my pregnancy/motherhood journey. and when Juju passed away, i seriously contemplated shutting my blog down, especially after i received some nasty comments. but i decided not to. i decided to keep his memory alive. i decided to document my life without him and my grief journey. after all, it is because of him that my heart was {is} wide open, and i had to share it with whoever was bored enough to listen {or read}.

and i am definitely beside myself whenever anyone recognizes me. so i have to say "thank you" not only mary from Blessed Not Crazy, but to trena from Free to Fly for doing just that and giving me this blog award.

**edited to add: sweetly enough i was given this award by 2 more amazing women, MrsH and Jessica. thank you, ladies, for the award. i appreciate it more than words can say**

Here are the rules that come with receiving this award....

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!

*********

So onto the 7 things about myself:

• i'm an engineer, and a pretty typical engineer at that {introverted, and boring}. though in recent years i have broken out of my shell somewhat, i'm still an engineer to the core.
• one of the ways that i broke myself out of my engineer shell is by signing up to get certified to teach Zumba fitness back in 2007. on a whim {which is very unlike me} i registered for a workshop, and drove out to NC one weekend with D in tow to attend. i have been teaching ever since Nov 2007, and i love it. i taught all throughout my pregnancy with Juju, and took a short break after i had him, and after he passed away, but i have continued to teach through my grief. there is no way that i could stop teaching, i have become so close to the members at the gym, and they have been such a strong support system for me during this incredibly painful time. they say that they need me, but i really need them.
• i have a tattoo that i got in college of a dragon on my back {think of the little dragon, mushu, from mulan}, and i'm thinking of getting another one in honor of Juju. i'm thinking that after i see the painting natasha wescoat is doing for me, i may have someone sketch a smaller version of it so that i can get that as a tattoo, but it all depends on how complicated the painting is.
• i have never seen the entire video of michael jackson's thriller. the video and the song freak me out completely. when i was younger and it would come on tv, i would run into my parent's room and lock the door until it was over. and i would probably do the same if it came on now. D actually hums the song and does some of the dance moves on occasion to scare me. he's mean, i know.
• i had never broken a bone until april of 2009 when i went on vacation with D to visit his family in puerto rico. on day 2 of our vacation {and btw, we were there for his cousin's wedding} i decided it would be a good idea to try and ride a horse. the horse reared up on its hind legs, i got scared and tried to get off of it quickly, stepped down on the cement too quickly {and the wrong way}, and that was that. i broke my ankle and a bone in my leg, and had to have surgery while in puerto rico. got out of the hospital in time to miss his cousin's wedding and fly out the next day. that was a lot of fun. and an injury that i am still recovering from.
• the only pets i have ever owned were guinea pigs. and i was so looking forward to buying Juju his first piggy.
• i was mildly obsessed with pokemon...in college. weird, i know. and i'm not sure why i'm posting this because i'm pretty sure everyone is now sitting behind their computers laughing out loud at me, but there it is. i actually have a bag of pokemon toys that i collected when burger king {or mcdonald's} was giving them away in their kid's meal. and was hoping that Juju would play with them when he got to that age.

now, i know it says to give the award to 15 bloggers, but the thing is, i can't. 15 is just not enough. and if i included all of the bloggers that i follow, i would be here for a few days. so i'm going to award it to everyone on my blog list {on the side}. and if you happen to be on my blog list, consider yourself awarded! :) if you are not on my blog list, and would like to share your blog with me {i truly love read blogs...i draw my "strength" from the women who's blogs i read} please post a comment with your blog, and i will add you to my list.

Paying it forward status...

i know yesterday's post was pretty heavy. and i thank everyone that responded, especially those who have/are experienced/experiencing similar feelings. your comments helped me to feel "normal" during a time that is nowhere near normal, or natural. it is so exhausting to live breath by breath as i have been doing since october 12th, but i don't have many options these days.

but i did want to take some time to talk about some of the things that have been happening, especially things that have developed this past weekend. i know i've mentioned here and here and here, about the fact that i am re-focusing my life and my priorities. it's hard to go through a major event like the loss of a child, and not be permanently changed. i've been trying to do only things that i consider meaningful in honor of my son. i want to give him a reason to be proud of his momma, and of course, i want to hold on to him for as long as i can. i'm currently working on a few projects that i hope to get underway shortly...

the 1st thing i'm working on is creating a Face2Face group in my area. kristin, angie, and the Faces of Loss staff have been working so very hard to bring BLMs together. and they have thought up the idea of having local social groups so that we can get together and have a safe place to talk about our little ones, and be around others that have experienced the pain of losing a child. it's not a support group, per se {though everyone will be there to give their support}. it's more about, as the FoL site puts it, a "simple gatherings of friends who share a deep common bond." in the past week, i have met a few local BLMs who have been so gracious and have offered to help me with this endeavor, so i'm hoping that soon we can get something up and running.

i've also been working on starting a local support group, again with the help of some determined BLMs. we are still in the process of discussing details and working on logistics so i'm not going to "spill the beans." but i'm really hopeful that we can get this kicked off soon too. and i'm so blessed to have met the women that i have in the past week. i hate the circumstances with which we have met, but these women are amazing. and just as determined as i am on making sure that BLMs in our area are fully supported.

the last project that i'm working on...well, this is the big secret. i'm definitely not going to mention anything about this until the details are worked out. but i'm just so excited about getting the opportunity to work on this project. and i'm pretty sure Juju put this project in my path on purpose. don't you just love suspense?!

and last but certainly not least, i again want to say "thank you" to everyone that has donated to Juju's memorial funds. we are so close to being halfway to our $5k goal. i am truly amazed at the generosity of people. and it makes me so proud to see how many people Juju has touched even though his life on this earth was so brief. i always knew that he was destined for greatness. i was just hoping that he would be doing those great things during his very long and happy life, not in his death. it doesn't make me any less proud of him, but i just wish i didn't have to be so heartbroken.

Life After

life after losing Julius is turning out to be a very intricate, complicated dance. time has given me the ability to "fake it" better, but it hasn't lessened the pain at all. it hasn't made certain situations any easier to bear. i feel like everything i do needs to have the warning sticker "proceed with caution" on it.

many of you know that saturday was my 30th birthday. my heart was heavy, but i was upright and functioning. i had an appointment with my counselor, and it was emotional {as it usually is}, but i was still upright and functioning. i went to the gym to teach my Zumba class, and my "zumba sweeties" showered me with so much love. they threw me a little party after class with my fav treat {gigi's cupcakes}, gifts and hugs.

30 and fabulous ;)

i was overwhelmed. my good friend also paid for the massage i had set up weeks in advance because i knew it was going to be a rough day. after all of that i was even more upright, and was functioning better than i had been all day. i was, dare i say, "happy." i got in my car, and was preparing to head off and run some errands when i saw i had received a text from a friend. and attached to the text was a pic that she had taken of Juju and i one day that she was over at my house visiting. i had never seen this pic, and though i was so thankful to her for sending it {and still am}, at that moment i crumbled.

Juju and mommy

this weekend D and i also went to the mall. we were having a decent day. we went into a store so that i could buy a new phone. and as we waited, we were goofing around and acting silly {something that was typical of us...before we lost our son}. again, i was upright and functioning. i happened to turn and look at the door as a woman walked in carrying her child in one of the exact baby carriers i bought for Juju, and carried him in often. it didn't matter how much i was laughing before, when i saw her it felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. i couldn't breathe.

how can it be that i can be laughing, acting silly, and joking with people, and then without warning i'm paralyzed with grief and sadness? how do people live through this pain? sometimes i just really don't understand what my motiviation is to live like this, or through this. it seems at times almost masochistic for me to get out of bed and experience all of the constant sucker punches life throws my way - the babies everywhere i turn, people announcing their pregnancies left and right {in my perspective}, etc. how can the heart stand so much hurt day after day?

i guess this is where faith, and hope come in. i guess i have to believe that there will be brighter days ahead for me. i guess i have to believe that God wants me to be happy, that He knows the pain that i am in, and that He is sorry. i want to believe that He knows how badly i want to be a mother again, and that He wants the same thing for me. and i try so very hard to hang onto that, but sometimes hope is not enough. i feel like i'm running on fumes, like i'm hanging on by a thread. and i wonder how much longer it will be before i feel like my load is lightening and i can breathe again. if only i had a crystal ball...


**edited to add the pic that my sweet friend, megan, created. it illustrates exactly what i'm feeling - broken hearted. check out her blog to read all about her precious Savannah.**


i am not, and will never be, the same



my birthday

tomorrow is my birthday. i will be turning the big 3-0. oddly enough, i used to dread this birthday. i used to think that turning 30 is when you had to start thinking about your own mortality. well, i've been there, done that already, so i guess that's out of the way. and i think i've aged so much mentally and physically over the last 3 months, that turning 30 makes me feel like i'm getting younger. obviously, with all that has happened, i don't feel like celebrating anything, especially not a milestone birthday like 30. i was actually hoping to ignore my birthday all together. but i won't. mostly because it seems like the universe doesn't want me to {more on that later}. so i will acknowledge the day, through the eyes of a mother.

tomorrow 30 years ago, i was born {the first born} into the world. birthed naturally by my mom. 30 years ago i changed the lives of my parents. i {hopefully} taught them a love they never knew, like Julius taught me. i {hopefully} brought love and happiness into their lives, like Julius did to ours. to think of my life meaning to someone what Julius means to me gives me a whole new appreciation for my parents. funny how that happens, eh?

a very good friend of mine, whom i have known since kindergarten, and who traveled many many miles {with her loving family that i have also known that long} for Juju's memorial service sent me a card yesterday, and she said something that made me think {thank you, smelly}. she said "I know you're not in a place for celebrating much these days, but I do hope you take a moment to recognize all of your accomplishments over the past 30 years." wow, she's right. i do need to take a moment to think about all i have accomplished so far. i have a wonderful husband that fills my life with love and laughter {though usually at him} daily. i graduated from the school of my dreams {go canes!}. i have a great job. i went on to get a master's degree. i've paid off debt. i own a house. i've accomplished more than i could have ever hoped for. i am truly blessed. and though i only got to hold him in my arms for a short time, my greatest accomplishment came to me on may 30, 2010, when i became a mother for the 1st time to my son, Julius Luciano. ♥ when i put things in perspective, i'm not sure why i ever dreaded turning 30.

my gift to me:
so back to the universe not wanting me to forget this day...on Juju's 3 month angel-versary i also ended up with my very special birthday present. i am mildly obsessed with the artist natasha wescoat. i have a tapestry of one of her paintings and several of her prints in our house. i find her work so whimsical, and colorful. looking at her work always makes me smile. so when i saw that she opened up a few slots for custom paintings, i *knew* that i had to attempt to get a spot, and have something done in honor/memory of Julius. so i emailed her, and prayed. and then SHE emailed me back, and told me that she would "love" to do something to help us remember our baby boy. SHE, the natasha wescoat, is going to do a custom painting for me in honor of my Julius. i really don't even have the words to adequately express how truly happy this makes me. i'm just so excited, and can't wait to see it {she said she would send me a pic before she sends it} and share it with all of you.

my gift from you:
now i'd like to ask you all for a favor - my birthday present from you {bold statement, i know, but bear with me}. i share my birthday with a very special little girl. her name is Ellie. unfortunately, like Juju, she left her parents way too soon. please, visit my dear friend, tiffany's, blog and flood her with the love and support you all have shown me. read all about her little Ellie. that little girl's smile could light up a room. i know that Ellie and Juju are probably celebrating together. but for those of us left behind, these milestone days {it would have been her 1st birthday} are exceptionally difficult. tiffany, i'm always thinking about Ellie, but i will be holding you both extra close to my heart tomorrow. ♥

i carry your heart in my heart

Dear Juju,

Baby boy, today is your three month angel-versary. I miss you more than words could ever say. I've had a really rough time lately, baby. A few people have told me that they experienced low points at around the 3 month mark. When I heard that, I didn't believe it. It didn't make sense to me, time should make things easier to deal with rather than harder. If only grief were that easy. But here I am, Juju. I've spent 3 months, 3 long, hard, dark months grieving you, and I find myself in the same despair I was in when I had to leave the hospital without you. It's so surreal to find myself in a position where time seems to have stopped and sped up simultaneously. My heart is stuck in October 12, 2010, but my body continues onward - going to work, going to the gym, going through the motions...

Julius, a few weeks after you passed away, I decided to buy a necklace to remember you by. I bought a similar one for Tia Rebecca when she lost her baby girl, Lily, and so I had to get one for you. The quote that is engraved on it is "I carry your heart in my heart." I'm not sure where I initially heard that quote, baby, but I fell in love with it. And then when you passed away, it took on an even more powerful meaning as we had you put in a heart-shaped urn. This weekend, I discovered the EE Cummings poem that that quote came from. It is beautiful, and I want to share it with you.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in

my heart) i am never without it (anywhere

i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear

no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want

no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

You are everything to me - my heart, my moon, my sun, my son. I'll love you and miss you forever. I carry your heart in my heart.

-Mommy

To purchase a similar necklace check out Lilly Ellen Designs