Monday, November 22, 2010

Relationships & Thanks

i've been doing a lot of thinking about the relationships in my life - friends and family. from what i understand from the discussions i've had with other bereaved parents {and grieving people in general} this - analyzing relationships - is common practice. i know i've made it known that we feel like we are truly fortunate to have our family and friends in our lives. not only that, but as i mentioned in my last post, i have been introduced to the very supportive BLM community. so our support system overall is strong and extensive.

with that said, i would be lying if i said that no one has disappointed me. and i would be lying if i said that no one's actions {or lack thereof} have hurt me. it's hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that, in my darkest hours, people i considered close are no where to be found. why some do not want to acknowledge what has happened to us, and to our little boy. and it's hard for me to comprehend why people i have never met before are more supportive than a few of my "friends".

but i get it. i have a really creepy aura around me now. i have had the unimaginable happen to me, and that makes some people too uncomfortable to be around me or call me. not many have had to experience losing a child, thankfully {this is truly a pain that i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy}. and not many know what to say {or not to say} to someone who is experiencing a heartache as intense as this. mostly because there are no words that can comfort a person experiencing a heartache as intense as this. i just wish these people understood that their silence and avoidance is hurtful as well...

so i just want to take this time to say thank you to all of my family, friends {IRL and virtual}, and fellow BLMs that have been there and been so supportive of D and i during this extremely difficult time. you have been my strength and my light on this journey through the darkness. we are truly blessed to have you in our lives. words will never be adequate enough to express how much you mean to us. but from the bottom of my broken heart - thank you. ♥


Tiffany said...

Im here for you always mama. I will never understand why other people make our loss about them. Last time I checked it was MY baby died that died not theirs. So who cares if they are uncomfortable, how do they think WE feel? And its ok to talk about other people that have passed... like "remember grandmas cookies" or "grandpas stories were the best..." but when we bring up our children it goes ignored... I have no idea why. I hope we can break the taboo some day. As always my beautiful friend, sending you my love and pray that you find peace <3

Our Journey said...

I know this feling all to well. I feel like after Eden's funeral, many of my friends avoided me. I do have to say that I really found out who my true friends were. I think some of my friends did not want to come around because they had their own babies and they did not know how it would make me feel to be around their children. However, I had one friend who would call me at least every other day. I took 8 weeks maternity leave after having Eden. My friend took me out to eat, would come over and talk and just be there. I can't even explain how much it meant to me. I think people sometimes just don't know what to say or do so they do nothing, not realizing that that is more hurtful.
I also experienced the people and family who thought since a certain amount of time had passed that I should have been further along in my healing. It's like some think there is a text book timeline to grief and there is not. I tried not to get effended, because really unless they have been through it, they don't understand.
(((Hugs))) to you. I am here if you need anything. God's peace be with you.

Rachel said...

I'm so glad you have felt love and support...I just hate it's not been from the ones you expected. HUGS! Thinking and praying for you.

Angie said...

There is a really great article out there called "Weeding your Garden" about relationships with family and friends after the loss of a child. Here's the link:

It has been more than a year since our little girl died, and there are still people who make me so angry and disappointed, when I think of how crappy they turned out to be. Luckily, there always are more flowers than weeds, I'm a lot better off without those particular "weeds" in my life.

Denise said...

I think nearly all BLM have been through the same thing.

My first reaction was to just cut out everyone that disappointed me, but for many reasons, it ended wasn't a reasonable solution.

There is a story that really helped me through it, I wish I could find it now. Essentially the idea was that you relate your life and the people in it to a large theater with seating. Those that are always there for you, get front row seating, those that haven't been get seats high up and far back in the balcony.

Dr. Laura said something interesting the other day, she said concentrate on those that have been there for you, invest in those relationships, keep those people close and for the rest, all you have to do is be polite. You don't need to invest in those not worth investing in.

Three years later and there is still a lot of disappointment, but also a lot of amazing people.

rebecca said...

I know how hurtful the lack of contact can be from friends, thats one reason your phone calls, cards, and messages meant SO very much to me after our loss. You were a new mother yourself and yet you reached out to me far more than many others. Thats also one reason it pains me so much that you are going through this. I'm so thankful for your friendship & love you so much!

Jennifer said...

:o) <3 <3 <3 Thinking of you again... and just read this post. I think you're a very strong woman, Tiffany and I'm glad you've found support IRL and virtually. Sometimes the best ones are the virtual ones... and shame on the ones who've hidden themselves in the time when you needed them most.

I'm a phone call away... you can always come by the clinic know that. <3

Bex said...

i love you so much, tiffany. and i know that you know that. i wish i could be closer to you physically and hold you while you cry. it is so hard for me to be so far away. and despite the fact that we've only seen each other one time since st. rose, i have an overwhelming sense of love for you, dennis and julius. i feel like you are my family, my sister. and i want you to know that i continue to think about you every waking moment of the day and night. very few moments pass when i don't think of you and your entire family. and i will never be afraid to tell you that. and i feel that i could never say the wrong things because everything i say and feel comes from a pure place of unconditional love and support. and i feel sad that other friends don't feel the same way. i am so very sorry that along with the pain you are suffering, you also have to deal with disappointment. it doesn't seen fair. but know that you, julius and dennis are very very loved. always & forever so very very loved.

Pam said...

Tiff-you put that well. Unfortunately, it happens and it is difficult to understand. People really have a difficult time hanging with you through your pain or whatever is going on. Their lives move and they want yours to move on too. You have to grieve properly and make sure you take the time to go through your emotions and take the time to become a new version of whole. God has a way of showing us things that can be painful but important for our growth. We love you and we are constantly praying for you and Dennis.

Tania said...

Following your posts have become a regular thing. You always find the perfect way to word yourself and I think that it's the best thing you can be doing- to let it our and express yourself. You're such a STRONG beautiful person! I pray for you and your family often and wish for nothing but good to come your way. I know it must be rough to have to spend time thinking and pondering why people you would think should be there aren't- as if you don't have enough on your plate, now you have to waste time thinking about things like this...try not to- all those that you need are there for you and those that aren't will come around- like you said, they may have the SLIGHTLY idea of what to say or they may think you need or want space. Stay strong! A BIG hug coming your way from me :)

Megan said...

For a second I forgot that you wrote this and though I was reading now words that I just wrote. I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. Itt hurts, and they don't get it... the question is when will the get it, or will they ever get it. <3
Hugs sweety, sorry I haven't been around as much!
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving if I don't catch you before then!

Lindsay said...

I think those of us outside the babyloss community are just really scared and that is why friends who were once close are now distant. I think they might just be really scared that they will say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing and that they cannot imagine where you are. How you are feeling. I think it is safe to say that losing a baby is one of these most unimaginable things that could ever happen to a mother and father.

I also think that if the friendship was worth fighting for before the tragedy of losing your baby boy, then it might be worth fighting for now.

Tiffany said...

lindsay, a friend that is worth fighting for would not be distant. real friends would put their "fear" aside, and reach out to me in my time of deep pain and grief. they would know that just their efforts to be there and cry with me are appreciated. words don't even need to be said. really words are worth nothing at a time like this. it is their presence and support. i don't need the "right" things to be said, i need a shoulder to cry on, and someone to hold me as i scream.

Our Journey said...

@ Lindsay, I understand your comments, I guess... But really, what can you say that is wrong? I experienced this with my loss and I have to say that it hurt worse when someone I call a friend said nothing to me. When someone is grieving they just need you to be there and listen, or give them a shoulder to cry on. It's not about solving their problem...just being there.
One of my friends who helped me the most had a baby at home. She would just come to my house once a week and sit with me, cry with me and pray with and for me. I am glad that she did not let her fear keep her away. I guess what I am trying to say is just be there...It means a lot.

Rhiannon said...

I have experienced this, too. I have a lot of so-called 'friends' that were no where to be found when we lost Harper and lots of whom have never acknowledged our loss. Someone once said to me, "I didn't want to mention 'it' because I didn't want to bring it up anything to hurt you." My reply, "There isn't a second that goes by that I am not thinking of Harper so please, bring it up. It hurts me more if you don't." People who have never been there just don't get it. (((hugs)))

Anonymous said...


I don't know you in person, but I was in your ddc on mdc. I have experienced major loss in my life. I wanted to share two articles that really helped me. They are both by a childbirth anthropologist, Robbie Davis Floyd. She wrote them after the death of her dauther in a car accident.
I am giving you the link to download them. Scroll to the bottom of the page. The first one is called "Windows in Space and Time" and the second is called "The Art of Grieving Gracefully".

I am sending love and light to you this season and always.
Rachel (Zangua)

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