why?

...does *that* day have to roll around again? why hasn't someone removed it from the calendar already? in just 2 short days, it will be Julius' angelversary. 2 years ago i survived the worst thing anyone can experience - the death of their child. i still can't wrap my mind around the fact that it's been that long. when i think back on that day, which i try my hardest not to do, i can still feel that raw, intense pain. i still remember some parts with such vividness that it makes me feel like it just happened yesterday.

and yet i look at where i am in life, and can't believe that i have made it this far. i can't believe i have survived this, or "continue to survive this" i should say. our girl is still here with us, growing, thriving, making us run circles around her. she has turned 9 months - double the age Julius lived to be. oh, she makes us happier than we have been since we lost him. but, my goodness, do we miss him still - even more actually.

this year i have no plans for that day. last year i felt the urgency to get out of town, so D and i went to the nashville zoo a few hours away. the zoo packed full of children, and me heavily pregnant and grieving. i didn't think i'd be able to do it, but we actually had a decent time. this year, while i don't feel the need to get out of town, i know that i can't go through my typical routine. so i will be taking time to do something different. just not sure what...

i've been so engrossed in planning our fundraiser zumbathon (we called it "ZumbAway SIDS") which took place last weekend, that i have not had time to make plans for *that* day. the zumbathon was amazing, better than i could have ever hoped for. we had a great turnout, and plan to do it annually. working on that was a great distraction from the reality of what was/is approaching. but now it's over. and it's back to reality...

desperately hanging on...

going into this year, and the birth of our rainbow, though i was excited to meet her and become an earthly momma again, i was terrified of having to let go of Julius. i knew that our lives would become so wrapped up in our baby girl, and i was just worried that i wouldn't be able to "mother" Julius and his legacy the same way i did in 2011.

i have been lucky this year, in that i've been able to do several things to honor my son (including the conference we went to last month). i'm actually in the midst of planning another one. a local SIDS mom, and dear friend (and fellow Zumba instructor), and i are planning a Zumbathon "ZumbAway SIDS" that will take place on Oct 6th. 2 straight hours of zumba! and all the proceeds will be going to both First Candle and CJ Foundation for SIDS.

so if you are in the local area, please join us!! if you are not, you can still donate. just go to our site and click the donate link on the right hand side. no amount is too small, seriously!

o, and did you know that Julius has made his way to mcdonald's? my dear coworker brought me the happy meal box. i don't usually frequent there, but i just might now (well, until they stop giving away Julius toys)...

i may be a momma desperate to hold on, but i like to think that Julius is sending me a sign that he's near me - near us - always. i'd like to think that he's letting me know that i don't have to worry about ever letting him go, because he won't be letting go of me either. :')

we keep pressing on...

last week was hard, emotionally.

our little one got sick for the 1st time. she had a tummy bug. i got the call from D at work that she had thrown up and wasn't feeling well. and the panic started. despite his urging me to stay at work, i packed up my things to head home. but i was paralyzed by fear. i didn't want to leave. the last time i got a phone call at work (on the same day of the week, no less) that there was something wrong with my baby, i ended up going home from the hospital empty-handed, broken-hearted, and devastated.

but i gathered up all the courage i had and headed home, crying all the way there. when i got there, and saw my baby looking so tired and pitiful, i lost it. i was so sure that this was the day that i had been dreading since i found out i was pregnant with her - the day she would be leaving us too. and after i freaked out, i calmed down enough to scoop her in my arms. i begged her to eat something. i kissed her over and over, and ran my fingers through her hair.

she continued refusing to eat, and throwing up. and i prepared myself for the thought of having to take her to a hospital. but eventually we forced her to take some pedialyte. and then little by little she came around and eventually nursed. by evening she was looking much better and acting more normal. by the next morning, she was pretty much back to normal. but my heart and head felt as though they were on the brink of exploding.

i took the next day off of work to recuperate.

a few days later, she turned 8 months old - another milestone day i never made it to with Julius. but i was on my high of thankfulness that we had made it that far. and in the midst of the happiness, i found the pad of paper that D began writing his eulogy for Julius' service. and the spiral began again.

needless to say that by the end of the week, i was completely exhausted. i am thankful that little girl only had a tummy bug, and that we have made it to 8 months with her. i know there will be other instances in which she will get sick or hurt, and i dread each one. but i hope that eventually i will be able to react to the situation without having my PTSD take over and get the best of me. until then, with the help of D and Julius, i will keep pressing on.

the conference

last week was the conference.
it was hard, but not as bad as i thought it would be.
a few people did say things that made me cringe, including 1 "everything happens for a reason" (ugh!)
but for the most part, i got to share my amazing boy with those in attendance, so it was worth it.
thank you to everyone that posted, sent me a message, or thought about us.
i felt the love surrounding me, which, no doubt, got me through the day.

our setup

manning the table

 

the 4 of us

i need you, my love

Dear Juji Muji,

I miss you. Tomorrow we will be attending the SIDS conference on behalf of our non-profit, and I'm so nervous. We've been so busy getting ready for it that it hasn't really registered what we will be doing. I'm not really sure what to expect. But I know that it will be a day of thinking of you, and what happened on the absolute worst day of our lives. It will be a day of reliving the day my heart literally broke in half. I'm hoping that I won't be asked about that day too much. But that I will get to do a lot of bragging about my firstborn baby boy, and his very meaningful life.

our display board for the conference

You aren't here with us physically, but you are deeply missed. You are constantly thought about. You are forever loved and cherished. Though your life was so incredibly short, you had such a profound, lasting impact on us and the world.

I wish I could kiss your sweet face again.

I wish I could brush your curly hair again.

I wish I could cuddle all 19lbs of your delicious chubbiness again.

I wish I could stick my nose in your neck rolls and breathe in your wonderful baby smells again.

But until then, I will keep working on things that bring me close to you. Until then, I will brag and talk about you to anyone who will listen. Until then, I will tell your little sister all about you...

the 3 of us

Help me get through tomorrow, please. Stay extra close to me and surround me with your love.

I miss you and love you so much,

Mommy

Giving back with Stella & Dot: Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

as i mentioned in my last post, i recently became a Stella & Dot stylist. i was trying to figure out how i could incorporate my baby boy, and use this new journey for good, and then it hit me. fundraising! so i got in contact with the lovely kristin, founder of Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope, and asked if she would allow me to throw her an online "trunk show" to raise money for FOLFOH.

i know for me personally, kristin and FOLFOH have done so much for us. i'm so thankful to her for starting that amazing organization, and giving all of us BLMs a way to connect, and talk about our precious children. so i am truly honored to be able to do this for FOLFOH. plus, kristin is just an amazing person, period. and i'm glad that i have had the privilege of meeting her in person.

so please check out kristin's online trunk show benefiting Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope at this link (http://www.stelladot.com/ts/hvmi5). i will be donating 50% of the proceeds FOLFOH {please make sure to purchase through the link posted for it to count}.

and if you are wondering if there is anything you could get from S&D to honor your little one/loved one, the answer is YES. S&D's new charms collection is such a great way to tell your story, as they can be personalized. i got charms to represent both of my babies, and love it.

the angel wing is called "watch over you" and represents Julius. the shoe is called "pitter patter" and represents baby girl.

a big "thank you" to kristin and FOLFOH for all they do for grieving families. and even bigger "thank you" in advance to everyone for your support!

my space for my son..............and other updates

i don't know what it is, but in the last couple of weeks i have had several emails from people/organizations trying to get me to promote them or their products. so i thought i would start this post off, with a little message:

please please please leave me alone! this space is for my son. this space started off being about my life with him, and is now about coping with life without him. it's about remembering how he brightened my world all 135 days of his very short life. it's about mothering him and his memory from afar. so while i'm glad you found my blog, and you enjoy my style of writing (???), i'm not at all interested in promoting your website, or product. i'm not interested in doing a review for halloween costumes (seriously?), or puzzles, or anything else you are trying to sell. please respect my space, and my son!

whew, ok, i'm glad i got that off of my chest....

it's been a while since i've posted last. life has hit us hard. at times it's been very hard for me to keep up with everything. work is still stressful. little girl is still as hyper as always, and is becoming increasingly mobile (read, pulling herself up and trying to walk!!!). and on top of that i've been working on a couple of projects.

the first one fell in my lap last week. and i've been scrambling to prepare for it. i just found out that there is going to be a SIDS conference in Montgomery at the end of the month, and was invited to participate on behalf of our newly incorporated organization In His Name - The JLT Foundation. i had to think about this long and hard since 1) it means the whole family schlepping down to Montgomery for a day or two and me taking off of work, and 2) i KNOW it's going to be a very intense day for me since i will be doing a lot of talking about my son (not the hard part) and that day (the hard part). but in the end, i felt like i have to go. besides the obvious of just being able to tell my son's story, it will be a way for In His Name to begin forging relationships with people in the medical community across the state so that we can help other families that have experienced what we have (and those families yet to come).

the second project has been a breath of fresh air for me. this has been the 1st time since Julius passed away that i have taken time to do something for me. i recently became a Stella & Dot stylist. it also happened rather quickly - too quickly for me to really realize what i was doing. but it has done my spirit some good. i'm also working on putting together a couple of charity events so that i can give back to those organizations that have done so much for me during the darkest time of my life (one happening very soon, but i'm not going to spill the beans just yet), so i'm excited to see where this new journey takes me. but i know that even this will be done with my baby boy in mind. he is my motivation for everything, and i will even sell jewelry with him in mind. :)