Thursday, December 16, 2010

Our Journey...

i spend a lot of time these days talking about my feelings, my hurt, my pain. i spend a lot of time talking about my son, what he means to me, how he's changed my life. on ocassion when i am having a "good" day, i'll talk about how blessed i am to have the family and friends that i have. but i realized last night that i don't spend nearly enough time talking about someone else who is extremely important to me {maybe because i am selfishly grieving right now, but anyway...}. this person has been by my side for so long that it's hard to remember what my life was like without him. he is my soulmate, my rock, my protector, my better {er, "other"} half. in Sept 2009, when we found out that i was pregnant with Juju, he became the father of my child. and now i pray every day, that i will be able to call him the father of my children. my husband - D.

we met while we were in highschool back in '98. we went to different highschools but were on the swim teams at our respective schools, and our swim teams practiced at the same pool. we quickly became friends, and about a year later started dating. aside from a small 2 month stint apart, we have been together ever since, and i couldn't imagine what my life would be like without him {nor do i want to}. we've been through so much. we've been dragged through hell together {and are currently working our way out}. but this entire time i have never questioned his love for me, and his devotion to me or to his son, Julius.

what saddens and angers me the most is that Juju won't be able to witness firsthand how amazing his father is. he won't get to grow up and be just like him {because i am SO sure that he had his personality}. D won't get to take him to swim practice, or to taekwondo. D won't get to have the "birds and bees" talk with him {because i DEFINITELY wasn't going to do that part}. and i just hope and pray that Julius was able to see in his four and a half months how much we loved {love} him. and how proud of him his father was {is}. we are both grieving in our own way and in our own time. and though our grief paths might be a bit different - everyone grieves differently, right? - the pain and the love is still intensely the same.

here are a few of the pics we have taken over the past several years. and hopefully you can better understand the reason why, even when i feel like staying in bed and giving up hope, i get up and put one foot in front of the other...

D, i love you so very much, and i'm so sorry that this had to happen to your son. :'( ♥


at our wedding 06.26.04

buying our 1st house april 2008

maternity shots april 2010

Juju's newborn shots at 1 wk

Juju's 4 mo photo shoot on oct 9, 2010

our family of 3 on oct 9, 2010

13 comments:

Angie said...

your family is so beautiful Tiffany. I love all of your photos and am so happy you have such a strong marriage. I would definitely be lost without my husband.

Megan said...

I love that you have so much love and admiration for your husband still... I know marriage isn't easy before the loss of a child! But when we work together and love one another we will beat all odds! <3
Thanks for sharing your feelings about the one whom makes your heart go "pitter patter!"

Vero said...

Just beautiful. You are really good with words. You guys are lucky you to have each other to lean on.

Debo said...

Such beautiful family pictures...Isn't love just grand....I'm sure D really appreciates your post today, because sometimes we all need a little reassurance...Thanks for sharing your pictures! Debo

Rachel said...

The video of Julius laughing is one of my favorites because your husband is just being silly with him. It's so evident that he loves his family. My thoughts and prayers are with you both!!

Tiffany said...

thank you for sharing these wonderful photos. They are GORGEOUS! I admire the couples that go through this a survive and have each other to lean on. My experience was very different. I had to go through this tragedy and the nervousness of a rainbow pregnancy all by myself. Im so happy you have each other.

Elaine Harrah said...

Love this post Tiffany and thank you for sharing. My husband and yours are difinitely cut from the same cloth, because I know, without a doubt, that the only way I'm going to survive the rest of this pregnancy is with my eric trudging along beside me. ((hugs)) for you both.

rebecca said...

So sweet! I am thankful that we have the privilege of calling both you & D our friends. He truly is an amazing person and an incredible father. I to this day am so moved thinking back to the beautiful eulogy he gave at Julius funeral, it truly was an honor to witness such amazing love. Love you guys both so much ((hugs))

Emily said...

Thank you for sharing these amazing moments. It's nice to take time and remember all of the loving and beautiful moments you, D, and Julius shared. Your love for him is so big and incredible. I pray you and your husband can find comfort and solitude this holiday season.

Aurelia said...

Tiff, yet another beautiful post from a beautiful person!.. i enjoyed it. i am happy to know that you have such a great marriage. i see your inner peace with your husband. i am so sorry again Juju is not with you physically, but i am pretty sure he is smiling down on his parents from above!.. it's just the matter of time when we are reunited with our angels. till then, we get to live our lives to the fullest while we can!.. you are both amazing people/parents!.. i wish you a couple more children in the near future! love, Aurelia

Pam said...

Tiff, I am so happy to read this post. I pray for you two everyday. It is good to hear you talk about D because I often wonder where he is in this process and how you two are doing as a couple. I feel like I know where you are because you express through your words and we are given a glimpse but I know it is his process too. Thanks for sharing your heart and expressing your love for him. With God, you will make it! Love you both!

Rhiannon said...

This was a heart warming post about your husband. You two make a beautiful couple and wonderful parents to Julius. I am so glad that you have him to walk beside. There are so many days (everyday actually) when I think that I would have been broken into so many *more* pieces if were not for the unconditional love and support of my husband. I am happy to hear that you have that, too. ((hugs))

Patty said...

Beautiful pics of the family. The pic of you guys and Juju this past Oct 9th was my daughter's one year. I envy the pics you have of your son (that's in a good way LOL)! SOrry that you have to miss JuJu so much this Christmas... We are all on the same boat with you...

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