Thursday, December 30, 2010

my new routine

i am always amazed how quickly the feelings of hopefulness can turn into feelings of despair. so amazed. and it really doesn't take much {or anything at all sometimes} to trigger those feelings.

this morning was no different than it had been the last 2 months. i started my day out the same, by writing my letter to Julius. i then started getting ready for work, got dressed, washed my face, brushed my teeth, went to the kitchen to make breakfast for myself, and pack my lunch. i went to start my car so it could warm up. i came in the house, said goodbye to D, turned around to my dresser, picked up a small, cold, heart-shaped urn, kissed and held it close to my cheek. and then it hit me like a ton of bricks................... NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS RIGHT.

i shouldn't be doing this. i should be kissing warm, fleshy, chubby {very chubby} cheeks. i should be packing the car with his diaper bag for daycare. i should be scrambling around the house trying to get everything together before he starts fussing for me to pick him up. but i'm not, i'm here at this place, at this new reality. kissing the object that holds the remains of my baby - all that remains of my baby. writing letters to him, begging and pleading for God {someone, anyone} to have mercy on me. going about life as if my pregnancy and my 4.5 months of motherhood was all some beautiful nightmare.

when all i want is my baby back...

**edited to add a poem that someone shared with me a few days ago {thank you, debbie}**

An Ugly Pair of Shoes
Author Unknown

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.


~Amber~Leigh~ said...

Tiffany, this "new normal" is always so difficult. This isn't what we asked for. This isn't what we wanted, and this is certainly not where we had planned to be. Remember, though, you are never NOT a mother anymore. Parenting a heavenly angel while you're still on Earth is very challenging, but you are still a mommy. You will ALWAYS be a mommy. All we can do is try to put one foot in front of the other and make it one step at a time. I can't promise that it gets easier, that the pain lessens. I can only promise that one day, you will find ways to deal with it easier. Some days even now, 14 1/2 months after saying goodbye to the most beautiful baby girl I have ever seen, it sometimes hits me like a ton of bricks. I can be fine one minute, and one silly little trigger can throw me into a fit of despair, agony, and pain. I can normally hold it in to get through the day, and only cry at night when everyone is asleep, but I still cry.

You just allow yourself to heal however you need to heal. Feel what you feel, and don't be ashamed of it. If you need to cry, cry. If youwant to scream, scream. Do NOT let anyone make you feel wrong or guilty for feeling how you need to feel.

I am thinking of you and am here for you if you ever need to talk. (HUGS)

Deanna Whitehead said...

I'm so angry that this is your new new normal. I wish more than anything...I would give ANYTHING...for you to have to Julius back. :(

noah's mommy + daddy said...

I feel the EXACT same way. This is not the way our lives are supposed to be now at all. We are supposed to be loving up our babies and living our chaotic, yet amazing lives as mothers. I pray for joy for us again someday soon :)

Jen said...

it is so hard, I still have thoughts of 'I should be, or she should be here doing this or that'..and there is nothing right about losing our babies..feel what you need to feel, no matter what..
I wish you could have your baby back too..

Rhiannon said...

I can identify so much with this post. You are right, nothing about losing your child is right. I hate it. Every single bit of it. This is our reality now and I don't know if I will ever be able to fully accept it. This is certainly not how life was supposed to be for any of us :( ((hugs))

Kat said...

Tiffany -

I think of you often and read your blog most every time that you post. I wanted to let you know that, even if it is of little comfort or meaning, prayers are going up for you and always do, every time I think to do so. I hope that you have happiness or at least contentment back in your life soon - to make those shoes as easy to bear as can be possible.

MrsH said...

I hope that the rest of the day went a little better. If it did not, I hope tomorrow does. That's all one can hope for, and it's not much, but it is something. For as long as we live we can always hope that the next moment will be better. Love the poem.

rebecca said...

Thank you for sharing that poem, it is powerful and so very true! <3 you so much

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