Dear Julius...

after everything happened, a couple of very good friends from my hometown were kind enough to send me a care package filled with books, cute little toiletries, and this journal...

at the 1 week mark, i pulled the journal out of the box, sat down and wrote a letter to Julius. i have written my baby a letter every morning since then {i've even started reading them back to him after i've written them too}. though i do get *some* of my feelings out in this blog, i use that journal and the letters to him as a special way to communicate with my Juju and tell him EVERYTHING i'm feeling - the good, bad, and the ugly {though these days, it's just bad and ugly}. to honor him today on the 1 month mark of his passing, i will share part of my letter to my baby...

Dear Julius,

This morning the pain hit me right away. Someone told me that grief is the heart's way of acknowledging that someone important has been lost. It's true, baby. My heart is constantly aching because you are gone. My heart wants so badly to be with you again. My bond with you was so great. You sat right under my heart for 9 months. You were part of me. And now that you are gone, it feels as though a part of me is missing. I'm lost without you. I'm not sure how I have made it in the world for a month without you. I surely didn't think it would ever be possible. We were so dependent on each other. You needed me to feed you, and love you, and change you. I needed you...well, because I just did. You were our creation, my best buddy, my world. You provided me with happiness and love that I never knew existed. I didn't understand unconditional love before you. I didn't get the deep connection mother's have with their babies before you. But you taught me what it was all about. You taught me quite a bit, Juju. It's amazing because in your short life, you probably taught me more than I taught you. Some say that babies choose their parents. I truly want to believe that you chose us. I want to believe that out of all the people out there, you saw something special enough in me to pick me as your mother. Though I’m still mad that I only had you for 4.5 months - that I carried you in my womb longer than I had you in my arms - that I couldn’t save you from the outside world. I am truly blessed that you and God chose to make me and Daddy your parents. I guess you were needed elsewhere. You came to us and completed your mission. But I’m still angry. I still selfishly want you with me. Not a minute goes by that I don’t think of you and all the time we spent together. Someone told me “about the only thing I can guarantee is that you’ll never forget those 4.5 months”. I never will, Juju. But please don’t ever forget about or leave me.
-Mommy

**updated to add a picture of us - it was feeling like a picture kind of day**