Friday, November 12, 2010

Dear Julius...

after everything happened, a couple of very good friends from my hometown were kind enough to send me a care package filled with books, cute little toiletries, and this journal...



at the 1 week mark, i pulled the journal out of the box, sat down and wrote a letter to Julius. i have written my baby a letter every morning since then {i've even started reading them back to him after i've written them too}. though i do get *some* of my feelings out in this blog, i use that journal and the letters to him as a special way to communicate with my Juju and tell him EVERYTHING i'm feeling - the good, bad, and the ugly {though these days, it's just bad and ugly}. to honor him today on the 1 month mark of his passing, i will share part of my letter to my baby...


Dear Julius,

This morning the pain hit me right away. Someone told me that grief is the heart's way of acknowledging that someone important has been lost. It's true, baby. My heart is constantly aching because you are gone. My heart wants so badly to be with you again. My bond with you was so great. You sat right under my heart for 9 months. You were part of me. And now that you are gone, it feels as though a part of me is missing. I'm lost without you. I'm not sure how I have made it in the world for a month without you. I surely didn't think it would ever be possible. We were so dependent on each other. You needed me to feed you, and love you, and change you. I needed you...well, because I just did. You were our creation, my best buddy, my world. You provided me with happiness and love that I never knew existed. I didn't understand unconditional love before you. I didn't get the deep connection mother's have with their babies before you. But you taught me what it was all about. You taught me quite a bit, Juju. It's amazing because in your short life, you probably taught me more than I taught you. Some say that babies choose their parents. I truly want to believe that you chose us. I want to believe that out of all the people out there, you saw something special enough in me to pick me as your mother. Though I’m still mad that I only had you for 4.5 months - that I carried you in my womb longer than I had you in my arms - that I couldn’t save you from the outside world. I am truly blessed that you and God chose to make me and Daddy your parents. I guess you were needed elsewhere. You came to us and completed your mission. But I’m still angry. I still selfishly want you with me. Not a minute goes by that I don’t think of you and all the time we spent together. Someone told me “about the only thing I can guarantee is that you’ll never forget those 4.5 months”. I never will, Juju. But please don’t ever forget about or leave me.
-Mommy

**updated to add a picture of us - it was feeling like a picture kind of day**

18 comments:

Rachel said...

That's absolutely beautiful. It breaks my heart, but it's beautiful. I'm sure in the midst of all of this, you don't realize how many lives you are changing through this blog...but you are! Including mine! Thinking of you always....

Mauricio&Sanja said...

That is so beautiful Tiffany,thank you for sharing.
He was a special baby and he did choose you for a reason.And now,in his smart little ways,your angle Juju is telling you he's still here watching out for you.Love you
Sanja

Whitney said...

I think it's wonderful that you are writing these letters, Tiff!

Liz said...

Your letter is absolutely beautiful. Juju was a very loved baby, and that has always come across in your writing and the beautiful pictures you have shared. Thinking of and praying for you daily!

Megan said...

Oh sweety, my heart aches for you! Savannah's three month mark is coming up on the 31st, so it is still fresh for me what that "one month without you" feels like. I am always here for you, your Juju was more precious than words can describe, and I know that he smiles down from heaven with how lucky he was to have you as him mommy! <3
All my love and prayers,
Megan@ A story unfolding

mom2becca said...

May you have some peace today and in the future. My heart breaks for you and I hope that you can get through all of this sorrow. Please keep remebering the happy times with your J.

Michele said...

I'm crying as I read this. I'm so so sorry.

sdarnell said...

This is breathtaking. Sharing your words and your pain is so brave, Tiffany. You really are touching so many lives and I pray that it is therapeutic for you. I would give anything to take this pain away from your heart. You are constantly in my prayers.

Debo said...

..Thank you for sharing your letter with us today....Oh my, such a precious dear letter to Baby Julius...I cried....I don't know what to say, except your such a remarkable young lady...I continue to pray for you each day....We love you.

Jeanette said...

As sad as I felt reading that {which will never compare to yours and Dennis' sadness}, it was beautiful written. I still keep you in my prayers not that you forget about your loss but that you can cope and turn it into something positive. You seem to have already begun to do that with the programs you have become a part of and the awareness you brought to SIDS. God has a plan for you both, try to be strong. Call me if you need anything.

Neisha said...

Hi Tiff...
God is faithful and in our weakness He shines. Hold on tight to Him. We have prayed for you and Dennis since we found out and we will continue to pray daily.

With love,
Neisha and Jarrod

rebecca said...

So beautifully written...you are such a strong, amazing woman! Its so hard to believe its been a month, thinking of you guys today as you look back at how much life has changed and remember your beautiful boy. Love the blog makeover too...it looks fantastic and the pictures of Julius are so precious.

Fabulous said...

Everytime I read something from you, I just cry. I cry for you, for Dennis, and for that beautiful angel that was called back to heaven. Thank you so much for sharing this precious letter. Keep hanging on to those wonderful moments you shared with him, to Dennis' love and to God. Hang on to all the love that hundreds of people have for you because you have touched many many hearts and because of you Baby J will never be forgotten. I love you.

Lisa said...

This is heart-wrenchingly beautiful, Tiffany. I think of you and Dennis every day and I hope you are finding comfort in one another - the kind of comfort you never hoped to have to share. I love you and appreciate you allowing me to see into your soul.

Mackey said...

Thanks for sharing this beautiful expression of love with us. I have prayed for you guys daily and several times today. I can only hope that these prayers have helped sustain you and get you through each day. Take care I feel blessed to call you friend.

Alesha said...

What a beautiful letter. I cannot imagine how hard it is for you to just get through the day, but writing letters to Julius is a good way to start it. I think of you and your family so much and continue to pray for you all. Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us. I am blessed to know you.

MrsH said...

So sad, and so beautifully said. I am glad to have found your blog. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I can only tell you that it gets better, at least from my personal experience. It will get better.

Dana said...

You are so strong and beautiful. The letter was so touching and I hope it brings you some comfort. I love the new blog and the pictures. Lots of hugs and thoughts are with you each day.

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