my beautiful dream

the past couple of days have been incredibly emotional/tough. yesterday i sat baby girl on my lap and we watched a couple of Julius' videos. i haven't had the courage to watch any of his videos since shortly after he passed away. and though i wasn't feeling completely up to it, i just wanted to remember. i wanted to see him moving and cooing. i wanted to hear his voice. i feel like his presence here was a dream, a beautiful dream. and i had to remind myself that he was real.

it was so hard to watch him in all of those familiar places (most to which she's already been) and acting like a tiny baby. by the time i was done looking at the videos, tears were streaming down my face as she sat there oblivious. i just want him back. i want him here with me, with us.

profound words

i haven't been able to update as much as i would like to. but life has been hectic (in a great way of course). we have pretty much been cooped up in the house enjoying our time together. of course this also means that our days are blurring into each other. a typical day consists of waking up, feeding our girl, fighting with D over who gets to love on her when she isn't nursing, and sleeping. i'm sure there is some other stuff i'm leaving out, but it really isn't that important.

she has been keeping us incredibly busy. and has brought some much needed joy and laughter into our lives. it's hilarious to see her little personality develop. i see so much of Julius in her, but at the same time she makes it abundantly clear to us that she is her own person, not to be confused with her brother. she is definitely much sassier than he. and there is no doubt that, like her brother, she already has us wrapped around her finger.  

anyway, over the passed few weeks i have come across some words/passages i wanted to share. so i thought i would take a minute to do that before i forgot all together.

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i know this made it's way on several blogs, but i also wanted to post it. i know many people know franchesca from small bird studios (and the mother of Jenna). a few weeks ago, she wrote the post when you lose a baby. if you haven't read it yet, please do.

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i read this next blog post {called "on the complications of living} here.

"Sometimes I think the greatest crime perpetrated against people in pain is the idea that they need to be healed of their suffering, that their suffering is somehow an affront to non-suffering people. She’s playing the victim again, we say scornfully. Oh my god, it’s been ten years since that happened! Why doesn’t she get over it! Time, we are certain, will lead to healing, and people are just being stubborn if it doesn’t...

It means that we don’t ever heal, because we can’t. Because no matter how much you badger us, we know that it is never going to be okay, what happened. What we are going to do is learn to live with it, although sometimes we don’t even manage that very well."

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a  few weeks ago, i finished the book "knocked up, knocked down" by monica lemoine.

it's a really honest, heart-wrenching memoir of her experience dealing with several pregnancy losses and the stillbirth of their son. although we lost Julius in a different way than she lost her children, some of the things she said really resonated with me. especially this one excerpt:

"getting a grim prognosis is so bewildering compared to how i always imagined it would be, so anti-climactic...sure, you've got doctors dishing out facts and numbers - but nobody offers up any simple formulas for consuming those facts, digesting them.the bad news just gets dropped on top of your head like a big, confusing shit sundae: BOO-YA. and guess who gets to deal with the mess? not your mom, not your friends, not God, not your teacher, not your maid, not your dog. nope; it's all you. you, you, you."

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the other day i was catching up on some of the blogs that i follow, and i was so happy to see this post made by Cora's mom, Kristine. she has taken the time to write up an ebook entitled, "when a friend's baby dies (helping your friend after babyloss)" based on her experience losing Cora. i know i wish i had had this ebook to read before we lost Julius and after my dear friend rebecca lost her precious baby girl. and so many of my friends have admitted while reaching out to us, that they didn't really know what to do or say. so i think it's amazing that this resource now exists. you can download the ebook for free from her blog (the link above should take you there), or you can go to amazon and download to your kindle (i think it costs $.99 to do it that way though).

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edited to add: i knew i was going to forget about something i wanted to share. i also wanted to share brooke's post, "on choosing love again". i found myself nodding in agreement the whole time, feeling as though i could have written that post myself. of course she is much more eloquent than i. this passage especially resonated with me.

"I think now, though, that opening yourself up to the possibility of having another baby, or resigning yourself to the understanding that you won't try to have another baby, both of those are profound choices and huge acts of love.  Either way, your life has gone down a path you never wanted to travel, a path you would have resisted with every fiber of your being, kicking and screaming if you'd been given the option.  Either way, you have to find a way to look forward, to sort through the pain until you find a reason to go on.  And in order to go forward, you have to let go of something.  Not your loved one, but maybe your fear of leaving them behind.

I wanted another baby, and I know that I'm lucky to have that possibility.  Luckier than many who are equally or more deserving.  I wanted another baby because Eliza had made me a mom and that experience had changed me forever.  It was like my heart knew, even though it never really occurred to my brain, that while one child cannot replace another, the only thing that helps this kind of hurt is to experience more love.  Another love won't leave Eliza behind.  How could it, when she's wedged in that tender, broken, beautiful spot in the center of my heart?  The one that's stitched up with silver thread?"

 

i especially love the line in bold. that one line summarizes everything for me. i never knew why, when i was so unsure about everything else in my life, i was SO sure about having another child after Julius. thank you, brooke, for putting into words what i could not.

 

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 and finally i leave you with this pin that i found and that says exactly how i am feeling at this moment.

Source: Uploaded by user via Tiffany on Pinterest

grief video

my dear friend, mary, posted this video on her blog this morning, and it was so good i thought i would share. this short animated video illustrates some of the awkward conversations grieving mothers have had.

my heart still aches

right now, i'm sitting in bed with my laptop set up on my breakfast tray table writing this post with a little girl asleep in my lap. i'm listening to one of the sweetest sounds in the world - her breathing. i'm thankful for her and all of the joy and laughter that she has brought into our lives in the short time she has been here. and often i glance across the room at the huge blowup canvas photo of her brother, trying to see the similarities in their features, and wondering what he would be doing/saying if he were here.

i miss him so much. i knew i would. i know that one child does not replace another. but that doesn't stop the hurting, or the longing for him. i think there are some people that think that just because you have gone on to have another child {after you've lost} that you are "moving on" with your life, or that you are suddenly healed of the pain. some people, once uncomfortable around you because of your sadness, now think that it is "safe" to come around again. surely i am in a "better/happier" place now that our little girl has been born.

o, there is no doubt at all that i am happier. this tiny person has made us the happiest we have been since october 12, 2010. i feel my heart expanding daily with such intense love and devotion for her. the feeling is incredible. and i beg and plead with whoever is running the show to give us the opportunity to watch this tiny person grow into a big person. but that does not now or ever negate the feeling of intense sadness i feel that my son never got the chance to grow into a big person. her presence does not "fix" our broken hearts or cancel out our love for him.

yes, she makes us happy. but he does as well. i won't stop talking about him because she is here. i'm not going to take down his pictures to put up hers {of course i will put her's up in addition to his}. yes, i will have happier days {i hope} because of her. but i will have sad days too because of his absence. so, while on the outside it may appearance like the "coast is clear," i can assure you that the grief is far from over.

31

today is my 31st birthday. i read over the post i made last year about turning 30. this year the feelings going into today were drastically different from last year. last year i was just 3 months into my grief journey, and not at all interested in acknowledging or celebrating the day. now 15 months in, i'm still not much for "celebrating" but didn't mind too much having others acknowledge my birthday.  i spent the day at home, hanging out with D, with a candle lit for our boy, and snuggling with our little girl, the newest member of our family - Juju's little sister. fully aware of the fact that someone special is missing, but feeling completely surrounded by love nonetheless. and so very thankful that these 3 special people make up my little family.

yes you read that correctly, and no you didn't miss the announcement. D and i recently welcomed our 2nd child into the world. and she has been such a light in our lives in the midst of the darkness. i have several reasons why i decided to be private about this pregnancy. but mostly it's just been too hard for me to deal with the continued grief, and all of the emotions that went along with being pregnant after losing a child.

so what will happen to Julius' blog? well, grief is an ongoing process, so i will definitely keep this blog dedicated to grieving my son. baby girl's journey will be kept separate in a private blog that i started for her shortly after i found out i was pregnant with her. she may make an appearance or two in this blog, but only in regard to our family grieving Julius {she is part of our grief journey too now}.

we are incredibly excited to be earthly parents again and to now be a family of 4 {though we desperately wish all of our family was here}. but to be honest, we are also terrified. once you lose a child, i think you always fear the possibility of having to face that pain again. so please keep us in your thoughts and prayers...

2011 a year without him

my god. i'm not sure how exactly we got to this point. tomorrow is the start of 2012. an entire year has come and gone without my son. proof that even though my world stopped in october of 2010, it somehow kept going simultaneously.

i really don't know what to make of 2011. grief is an ongoing process that is not dependent on what year we are in. so it goes without saying that every day of 2011 saw me with a broken heart. i was sad every day of this past year missing my son. he missed out on so much, and we missed out on so much more. we experienced his 1st birthday without him. we made it through his angelversary. both D and i "celebrated' our milestone 30th birthdays without our little man. we went an entire year without changing a diaper, feeding him, kissing him, or chasing after him. a whole year of parenting our son from afar instead of being earthly parents. hating every bit of freedom his absence has allowed us. desperately wishing every day that we would wake up from this nightmare and have him back with us.

yes, we saw despair in 2011 - a lot of it. but in the midst of the pain and the heartache and the suffering and the longing, we had some "good" times too.

• we started In His Name. Julius' foundation which provides resources and support to other SIDS/SUID/SUDC families. and have already had the honor/privilege to reach out to hurting families around the country and the world.
• we had monthly Juju giveaways to bring just a fraction of happiness to another grieving mother that Julius brought into my life. it was nice to bring some happiness into the world because of him.
• i co-founded a Face2Face group {Face2Face North Alabama} in my area with a woman who has become my closest friend. and have met so many incredible parents who are also trying to figure out how to live again after losing their precious children.
• we helped franchesca with Jenna's Journal Drive, and donated about 80 journals {with the help of our very generous friends} in memory of our baby boy!
• we set a goal of raising $5000 via Julius' memorial fund at CJ Foundation, and on his 1 year angelversary in Oct, we exceeded that goal thanks to our very generous family/friends and people we don't even know! we are currently at $5302, and are still waiting on 1 more donation, so we should be at about $5500. i can't even express how appreciative we are!
• we had a thirty-one fundraiser in honor of Julius and it was a huge success. we raised about $200 for his memorial fund.
• i got my Julius tattoos, which i still adore to this day and am so glad i got them done.
• D and i took a little getaway trip to atlanta. and even though we were both sick with the flu, it was nice to just spend time with my hubby.
• my blog was listed as a resource on First Candle's resource page. it was such an honor to know that such a worthwhile organization feels that my blog could be of some help to another grieving mother.
• we got a painting done for us in honor of Julius by one of my favorite artists - natasha wescoat. it is still one of my most prized possessions and brings me so much comfort when i walk out into the living room and see his amazing smile captured on canvas.
• we started a garden/flower bed for Julius. it's still just a work in progress and nothing to brag about. but i'm anxious to get to work on it this spring.
• i helped my local church plan a memorial mass for pregnancy/infant loss that took place in may. it was such a meaningful mass, and i was so honored to be able to help.
• i became a Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope community organizer volunteer thanks to natasha asking me to help her with her duties, and together we were able to host a few online book club discussions and host a christmas in july gift exchange.
• i took a trip up to MN and had the privilege of meeting natasha, jenna, deanna, kristin, and tiffany in person. talk about an amazing trip filled with laughter, tears, and lots and lots of talk about our children {the best part}!
• i was interviewed by our local news station about dealing with grief after the loss of a child to SIDS. the story aired a few months ago, and it was really very nicely done. i never got a chance to blog about it, and now the video that was online is gone. but it happened the day after Julius' 1 year angelversary, and it was such a wonderful way to honor his life.
• i have been working with our local hospital to get the information for In His Name added to their bereavement packet so that we can support our local SIDS families better.
• i learned how to make a memorial candle for Julius and made a tutorial for franchesca's 12 days of christmas with you in heaven series.
• we received an overwhelming amount of keepsake, heartfelt gifts for our son throughout the year which we proudly display all over our house. it is a reminder to us that he is still being thought about and loved by more people than just us.
• i fell more in love with my husband and my son than i ever thought possible. they have given me the strength to get through each of these 365 days of 2011.

just re-reading some of the posts that i made in 2011 made me realize how much has changed, yet how much has remained the same. 2012 already promises drastic changes in our lives, but i hope with those changes comes happiness instead of more devastation. and that is my wish for all of my dear BLM blogger friends, and everyone out there reading along. thank you so much for all of the support and love you have shown my little family this year. it means more to us than you will every know!

lots of love always,
tiffany, D and Julius

bah humbug

i seriously feel like scrooge. i can't believe christmas is in a few days. with the weather being as  unseasonably warm as it's been the last few weeks, and the fact that we no longer have cable service {yep, you read right, no tv channels for us *gasp*}, which means i'm spared all of those annoying christmas commercials. i've managed to evade the "christmas spirit" pretty well. we've put up no tree, we've purchased no gifts, we've sent out no cards. it's been pretty nice to not have that stress on us right now. it's not like we don't have enough to focus on with just grieving and trying to get through the rest of the year.

i feel like i'm a broken record. i re-read what i posted right before thanksgiving, and it all still holds true. i can't believe it's another holiday without my son. dammit i miss him so much. i woke up this morning with tears in my eyes just thinking about how lonely i am without him. i could just scream at the unfairness of it all. he is desperately missed and desperately loved. and here we are, without him, trying to dodge holiday after holiday. it's ridiculous, but it's my reality. i'm pissed off, but there's nothing i can do.

i'm thankful to those that have sent cards/gifts and continue to mention our son. it warms my heart every time. that's really the best present anyone could give me {and i'm sure any bereaved parent} - mentioning my child. for my fellow babyloss parents, please know that i will be keeping you close to my heart this weekend, as we all mark another holiday without our children. i hope that christmas is gentle on you all...