Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Good Grief

grief is a funny thing. it's amazing to me how this process works {or doesn't work}. i had heard of the well known kubler-ross 5 stages of grief model, and always thought that grief was this linear process. denial>anger>bargaining>depression>acceptance...and done. it's not like that at all. real grief, deep grief, hole in your heart grief is not like that at all. i had no clue that those stages would overlap, and that i would be bouncing back and forth between all of them...often. it's hard for me to process how one moment i can be ok, and the next moment i am completely overrun with sadness. one moment i can be upright and "functioning," and the next moment i'm laying on the floor with a stack of pictures, sobbing. one moment i am carrying on a conversation with D about dinner, and the next i'm screaming "why did you leave me?"

i've been thinking a lot {which is never a good thing} about my role as "mother." i know i will always be a mom. Julius made me one {and a good one, i thought}, and though he is no longer here, that bond will *always* remain - no doubt. but in all honesty, though i am a mom in theory, i am no longer one in practice. i have no one here to feed, change, hold, rock to sleep... i no longer have to plan things around someone's sleep schedule. or rush home from the gym to feed someone. and i HATE it. i absolutely loathe having all of this free time. i absolutely loathe having to fill my time with things to do just so i am kept busy. i hate this.so.very.much.

but what are my options? i have none. i'm still here. so i have to continue to be even when i don't want to. i know that this has to hurt. he was {is} so important, so very important. and now he's gone. my heart is acknowledging that he is gone. and there is no way around it...i must go through it. even though it is unbearable, i must bear it. every wave of it, for the rest of my life...

15 comments:

Lindsay Chipman said...

I couldn't have said it any better. You are amazing and I am glad we have found each other to work through this together.

Rachel said...

I wish I had words of comfort....just know I'm praying and thinking of you every single day.

Holly said...

Tiffany, you ARE a wonderful mother. The love doesn't go away.

Lindsay said...

The loss of a child doesn't fit any kind of "mold." The loss of a parent, grandparent, friend - hard, sad, but somewhat expected, so there is a process for that kind of grief. For this...there is no formula. No timeline. No rhyme or reason. No "right" way. I found the grief to hit me in waves. Like you, I'd be "okay" one moment (as ok as you can be), then the next I would be falling to pieces. It took me a long time to reach the point of anger, but Jeremy experienced it almost immediately. I spent a lot of time bargaining and pleading, which is hard because you'll never get what you want. I used to get so frustrated when people would say, "What do you need?" I wanted to scream, "I WANT MY CHILD BACK! I NEED MY BABY! BUT YOU CAN'T DO THAT FOR ME SO JUST STOP ASKING!" I knew they had the best intentions and had no idea that that question was so difficult, but my heart didn't care about their intentions. It's a long, hard road we're on. The grief will be with us for the rest of our lives. That's just the way it is. We will grieve our loss; we will grieve what was taken away; we will grieve the many memories that won't be made; we will grieve because we are left to live life feeling so incomplete. It isn't fair. And I have no words to make any of it better just as no one had words for me when Ayden died. The only way I make it through each day is through hope and knowing that I will hold Ayden again. If I didn't have that assurance, I would be a completely different person.

Praying for you. Thinking of you. And keeping Julius's sweet face in my mind every day. I truly do think of you guys every day. Hang in there. Let the waves hit. Some days you'll feel like you're sinking. Other days, it'll be like your drifting by. Grief is hard but necessary. I'm so glad you're expressing your emotions so honestly. Please know that there are a lot of people on the other end of your blog who are reading, praying, and walking with you.

Lindsay said...

And yes...you will forever be connected to Julius! Of course! He's your first born. To me, the connection between the parents and the first born, for some reason, is so, so special. He made you parents. You experienced your "firsts" as parents with him. That connection is so amazing. Your future children will also share a special connection but they will have you as "seasoned" parents. That doesn't mean you love them any less....it's hard to explain....it's just different with the first. I have found the connection between Ayden and myself to remain so strong. I can still feel the intesity of the love I feel for him...so strong that it makes your heart feel like it will burst! It stays with you forever...

Tiffany said...

you are absolutely right. Its not linear... its a cycle... a never ending cycle sadly... here I am going on 4 yrs later and I still find myself feeling these emotions... of course its much different than when Genesis first died, but still there nonetheless. I think of you and Julius often mama. HUGS!

paula0277 said...

You are a "GREAT" mom, no one can take that away from you. Julius's , smiles and laughter proved that.

Trena said...

It's a never ending cycle. And when people tell me, "time will make it easier", oh, how I hate those words. It has been 3 months since I lost Bryston and Colton and I still hurt, a lot.

((hugs)) I know we don't know each other but I know your pain and I am here if you ever need to talk. ♥

jaclynmcabee said...

Reading this makes me realize what an amazing person you are to all of us. I remember the day this happened I was scared because Brayden was having to go to the doctor and possibly face surgery and you said you would pray for us. When I read your post about Julius passing away my heart broke. I have always prayed nightly and thanked God for what I have but especially now. I include you in my prayers and think of you often.

Rhiannon said...

There is no doubt that grief just plain sucks! I wish that it were linear, too...thinking of you!

rebecca said...

Grief is such an overwhelming process, but grieving for a child its just a whole different things all together and very hard to understand unless you've gone through it. You described it so eloquently...it is a crazy back and forth. I too am often amazed at how I feel alright at one point and then so deeply sad the next, exhausting! Thinking of you & sending love to you both ((hugs))

Megan said...

I know exactly what you mean, and I have three other children who rely on me... Every second of free time, could be taken up by a tiny babygirl I once knew.... <3

sdarnell said...

You amaze me...you put into words things that most can't. Thinking (and praying for you) of you every single day.

Lut C. said...

I'm sorry for your loss, so terrible, so utterly devastating.

What you write about grief is very recognizable, even though the cause of my grief is very different.

(Arrived from the Crème de la Crème list)

Sara said...

I am as moved by the photos of your beautiful boy as I am by your post. You were so lucky to be the mama of such an amazing little guy, and losing him must be unimaginably painful. I'm so sorry. I don't know how you're supposed to go on, but as you wrote, you must find a way.

(here from creme)

Post a Comment