Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Happy 6 month birthday, baby boy!


Dear Julius,
Happy 6 month birthday! It just hurts my heart so much that you are not here to celebrate. I should be putting a sticker on your onesie and taking a picture of you in the glider. I should be updating everyone on all of the cool things you can do. I should be in complete amazement at the fact that I have a 6 month old baby boy. But instead of you in the glider, there is a stack of sympathy cards. Instead of updating everyone on your developmental progress, I'm talking about trying to adjust to life without you. Instead of being amazed about having a 6 month old, I'm in shock that I didn't even get 6 full months with you. The last month and a half has been the worst time of my life. Adjusting to life without you has been physically and emotionally painful. I've struggled with every step and breath I have taken since the afternoon of October 12th. It hurts that I will never get to know what you would have looked like as a 6 month old. Would you have looked more like Daddy or me? How much more poofy would your frohawk have gotten? Would any of the teeth that had been bothering you finally be breaking through? I will never know. Time has stopped and you will always be 4.5 months old to me. I don't just grieve your loss; I grieve our future together. But know that even though you are not here, we will continue to celebrate you and your life. I will continue to talk about you with others, and think about you every.second.of.every.day. You ARE my child - now and forever. And until the day when we are reunited and I can hold you in my arms again; I will have to take solace in the fact that you and your memory will live on forever in my heart and mind. The bond that we have not even death can break. I miss and love you, Juju, so very very much.
-Mommy

14 comments:

Our Journey said...

Sweet little Julius. I know he is smiling from heaven. He has such a great mommy. Happy 6 month birthday.

Rachel said...

Thinking of you, Tiffany! Happy 6 months, sweet Julius.

Trena said...

Thinking of you ♥ Happy 6 months sweet angel ♥ Julius ♥

Megan said...

I love that you took an empty rocker picture too! <3 Miss you Juju!

Karol said...

I just found your blog through another. I know that words are inadequate. There simply no description for pain of this magnitude. Praying that you can feel peace as you travel this journey.

Jen said...

I think you summed it up perfectly, we grieve the babies we lost, as well as the ones they should have grown into.. I am so sorry that he is not with you..it breaks my heart to know that there are so many of us out there missing our babies.. and it breaks my heart for you, that now you are one of us..:(

((hugs))

Heidi said...

He's smiling down on you today, and saying that's my mommy, thinking of me! And he's thinking of you sending you hugs from above! Hugs to you!!! :)

Rhiannon said...

A beautiful letter to your son...I am so sorry and I so wish that you had your sweet Julius with you tonight. Hugs to you, mama...<3

paula0277 said...

Happy Birthday Day, Julius. You are loved so much.. I miss you dearly. Grandma :)

Lindsay said...

Happy 6 months Julius. You are a blessed, blessed little boy to have such wonderful parents who love you so much!

lis said...

oh, Julius.
we all miss you but most of all your mommy misses you so. im not so religious anymore, Tiffany, but i do love this one...


*******************

What Makes a Mother?

I thought of you all, I closed my eyes
and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
and I know I heard him say,

"A Mother has a baby.
This we know is true."
But God can you be a Mother
when your baby's not with you?

"Yes you can!" He replied
with confidence in His voice,
"I give many women babies,
when they leave is not their choice."

"Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

"I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say.."

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."

"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who has so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quick
My Mommy set me free."

"I miss My Mommy oh so much
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
on her pillow's where I lay."

"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."

"So you see my dear sweet one,
your children are OK.
Your babies are here in my home
and this is where they'll stay."

"They'll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you."

"So now you see what makes a Mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start."

"Though some on earth may not realize
that you are a Mother until there time is done
They'll be up here with me one day
and know you're the best one."
Too Soon

This was a life that hardly begun
no time to find your place in the sun
no time to do all you could have done
but we loved you enough for a lifetime

No time to enjoy the world and its wealth
No time to take life down off the shelf
no time to sing the song of yourself
though you had enough love for a lifetime

Those who live long endure sadness and tears
but you'll never suffer the sorrowing years
no betrayal, no anger
no hatred, no fears
Just love, only love in your lifetime..

- Unknown

Angie said...

So touching Tiffany. I hate the sympathy cards. I wish we had happy ones to replace them with and beautiful healthy baby boys to bounce on our laps. But at least we have each, right? That's gotta be worth something.

Sending you all the love I can muster up. xo

MrsH said...

This is so immensely heartbreaking! it is not right in so many ways. A big hug for you today, for I know that although it doesn't change anything, it helps a little.

Mauricio&Sanja said...

Little baby J,you are so very missed.Hugs to a very special and amazing mommy.Beso
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSZDNPgiT88

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