Monday, November 1, 2010

Dreading What's to Come...

last week was a really rough week for us. in addition to it being the week of his 5 month birthday, we received his death certificate. i still can not comprehend the fact that i received my baby's death certificate. i didn't even have 5 full months with him before i had to say good-bye. it makes me so sick to my stomach to think about that.

as for how i'm doing...i'm trying to hang in there. i went to a GriefShare support group meeting last week, and found it helpful, so I am going to continue to go. i also found another local support group that is specifically for bereaved parents that meets on thurs night, which i am going to check out this week. and in addition to that, the woman that runs the GriefShare group was kind enough to put me in contact with a grief counselor that she knows, and i've set up an appointment with her for this week. so i'm definitely trying my best to deal with my grief. for whatever that's worth...

i'm completely dreading the months ahead. halloween already gave me a taste of the sadness i am sure to experience. everywhere i turned i saw happy parents and their adorable children all dressed up, and thought about how i would never get to experience that with J. i never even got a chance. the holidays are fast approaching, and it just makes me so angry that he won't be able to celebrate his first thanksgiving and christmas with us. we were planning to go visit D's family for thanksgiving, and mine for christmas; but there is no way we can now - it's just too hard. quite frankly i don't even think i want to acknowledge the holidays at all this year. how can i even begin to celebrate anything? my heart is far too broken.

but not *all* of last week was miserable. toward the end of last week i got up the strength to write up a little tribute to my Juju to be added on The CJ Foundation for SIDS memorial page.
Julius' memorial page was published, coincidentally, on his 5 month birthday. even though it was very hard for me to write, i felt like i had to do it. my little boy was an amazing person, and i want him to be remembered. he was such a blessing to us, and his absence has left such a void in our lives...

4 comments:

Rachel said...

I thought about you so much this weekend. I can only imagine how hard the holidays will be for you. I wish I had words to ease your pain. Please know that you are constantly in my thoughts and prayers!!! Love~

rebecca said...

You are such an amazing strong person. Your tribute to Julius was so beautiful and filled with love. He received more love and affection in his short life than some children due throughout their childhood. You continue to be an amazing mother to Julius by sharing him with all of us, by honoring his life, and by continuing with yours. So much love to you my incredible friend ((hugs))

Angie said...

The holidays are rough. We go out to eat on Halloween and then see a movie. There aren't many kids out eating on Halloween night, and by the time we get home, they are done. That's what we've done for the last 2 years and it makes Halloween a bit easier.
Thanksgiving and Christmas, don't feel guilty skipping the family stuff completely if that's what you need to do (or leaving early if you decide to tough it out and go.)
Hang in there. The first few months, especially around the holidays, are the absolute worst.
I'm glad you have support groups. I have found ours incredibly helpful.

sarah said...

I found your blog through Faces of Loss. I am so sorry for the devastating loss of your beautiful Julius.

Sending love and light,
sarah

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