Happy 6 month birthday, baby boy!

Dear Julius,

Happy 6 month birthday! It just hurts my heart so much that you are not here to celebrate. I should be putting a sticker on your onesie and taking a picture of you in the glider. I should be updating everyone on all of the cool things you can do. I should be in complete amazement at the fact that I have a 6 month old baby boy. But instead of you in the glider, there is a stack of sympathy cards. Instead of updating everyone on your developmental progress, I'm talking about trying to adjust to life without you. Instead of being amazed about having a 6 month old, I'm in shock that I didn't even get 6 full months with you. The last month and a half has been the worst time of my life. Adjusting to life without you has been physically and emotionally painful. I've struggled with every step and breath I have taken since the afternoon of October 12th. It hurts that I will never get to know what you would have looked like as a 6 month old. Would you have looked more like Daddy or me? How much more poofy would your frohawk have gotten? Would any of the teeth that had been bothering you finally be breaking through? I will never know. Time has stopped and you will always be 4.5 months old to me. I don't just grieve your loss; I grieve our future together. But know that even though you are not here, we will continue to celebrate you and your life. I will continue to talk about you with others, and think about you every.second.of.every.day. You ARE my child - now and forever. And until the day when we are reunited and I can hold you in my arms again; I will have to take solace in the fact that you and your memory will live on forever in my heart and mind. The bond that we have not even death can break. I miss and love you, Juju, so very very much.

-Mommy

Concentrating on the positive...

unfortunately, the past few days, for me, have been filled with sadness and disappointment. our "thanksgiving" was alright. but as expected, it was a sad day. D and i managed to ignore the fact that it was a holiday. we went to see the Harry Potter movie. and despite a mini-breakdown at the end of the film {which carried on until we were at our car}, it was a nice afternoon.

friday, was a decent day - i went into work, and was able to get some things accomplished. there weren't many people in the office, so it was nice and quiet. i was feeling pretty good...until i went to the grocery store after work. i had been avoiding this particular store because during my pregnancy {and even after Julius was born} i would talk to a particular cashier about how things were going whenever i saw her. so on friday as i walked into the store i did a quick scan to see if she was there. convinced that she wasn't, i went on about my shopping. as i pulled my buggy into the checkout line, i realized, much to my horror, that SHE was the cashier {she dyed her hair, which is why i missed her during my "scan"}. i tried to discreetly back out of the line, but she "made me" before i even had a chance. i, unfortunately, had to deal with the awkwardly painful conversation as she predictably asked me about my baby. so even though i felt ok all day. that 3 minutes knocked me down several rungs. and i spent the majority of the night sobbing.

and while saturday was another decent day. sunday brought with it more sadness and disappointment as i was deeply wounded by the actions of someone that i consider close. so i also spent most of yesterday moping around the house and crying about all the things that i have lost in the last 2 months.

so now that i have all of that "ugly" out, let me take time to concentrate on something positive. i'm not sure if you remember my post about the pearl shell pendant necklace that i received from a woman {Stacey} from my church. she is on the bereavement ministry at the church, so when she found out what happened, she came to our house with that gorgeous necklace and coffee for our family. i cried when i saw the beautiful necklace - not only did she make the beads out of roses from her own garden, but she also personalized the inside of the shell with a picture of Juju and i. i was speechless at her generosity, and at how beautiful the necklace was. and i wear it everyday {and get so many compliments as well}.

after the funeral, she contacted me again, and told me that she wanted to make us a family rosary with some of the flowers that we received. so D and i hauled a few of the arrangements over to her. and last week i went to pick up the finished rosary.

isn't it absolutely gorgeous? i just can't get over how beautiful it is. and again it is another special, unique way to remember our son. we have this family rosary because of him. receiving this gift moved me so much that i did what i have not done since grade school....i actually said the rosary - the whole thing. and i thought about my baby the entire time {not that i don't anyway, but i felt *that* much closer to him as i said it}. i keep it on our dresser around his urn.

so while i have had a rough go of it lately, i am reminded that we continue to be surrounded by the most generous, loving and caring people. and during this time of deep grief, i really need to remember that and focus on those relationships. like dr. seuss said, "be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

{{if you are interested in having a rosary or necklace made, you can check out Stacey's website Earth and Sea Designs and contact her. she is absolutely amazing!}}

The Holidays

the holiday season is now upon us. thanksgiving is tomorrow and christmas is right around the corner. like i mentioned in a previous post, D and i have decided to stay at home for both holidays and cancel our original plans of visiting our families {D's for thanksgiving, and mine for christmas}. and we've had several people show genuine concern about us doing this. so i thought i would take some time to talk about it...

it's not at all that i am trying to isolate myself, avoid family and friends, or be depressed/depressing. i absolutely love my family/friends {and all of their craziness}, and enjoy spending time with them. it's always a fun time when they {both families} are around. and i'm honestly not just saying that because my mom reads my blog. i know they all want the best for us, and want to surround us {in person} with their love and support.

the reason why we canceled our plans is because it is literally NOT POSSIBLE to do the holidays this year. one of the main reasons we were so excited to go see family for the holidays was so that we could introduce Julius to everyone {including extended family}; and, of course, experience his 1st holiday season with him. and now that he's not here, yes, it is *very* sad and painful to think about celebrating either holiday at all when such an important member of our family is no longer with us.

but that reason aside, we just can not make it - the logistics don't work out. these days i'm doing well to just get out of bed and work a full day. these days i'm guaranteed an emotional breakdown *at least* once a day {sobbing and howling included}. i've cried every.single.day since he passed away, and i don't see that ending any time soon {and why should it? he's worth all the pain and tears i have cried and will cry in the future}. i'm completely drained and emotionally exhausted by the end of the day from just having to function at work. and i just can not imagine what the stress of packing, traveling, and not being in my house/familiar environment, etc. compounded with grief will do to me. i don't even want to think about it. plus the holidays are times for being happy and joyful, and celebrating. and i don't feel like being or doing any of those things. i don't feel like giving thanks, or opening/buying gifts, or listening to carols, or even saying "happy thanksgiving" and "merry christmas".

i just want to keep it low-key. i don't want to worry about having a breakdown and not having the strength to leave my room or bed. i don't want to worry about having to travel a long distance, and being stuck in a car when my next "wave" of grief hits me. i don't want to worry about being in church and seeing a family with their infant, and running out of church crying because mine is no longer with me. i want to be in a "safe" environment. i want to stay in my pajamas. i want to {hopefully} catch a Law & Order marathon. and i want to pretend that it's just another day {which is hard enough}. instead of what it really is - the first thanksgiving and christmas without my heart, my world, my Julius.

Relationships & Thanks

i've been doing a lot of thinking about the relationships in my life - friends and family. from what i understand from the discussions i've had with other bereaved parents {and grieving people in general} this - analyzing relationships - is common practice. i know i've made it known that we feel like we are truly fortunate to have our family and friends in our lives. not only that, but as i mentioned in my last post, i have been introduced to the very supportive BLM community. so our support system overall is strong and extensive.

with that said, i would be lying if i said that no one has disappointed me. and i would be lying if i said that no one's actions {or lack thereof} have hurt me. it's hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that, in my darkest hours, people i considered close are no where to be found. why some do not want to acknowledge what has happened to us, and to our little boy. and it's hard for me to comprehend why people i have never met before are more supportive than a few of my "friends".

but i get it. i have a really creepy aura around me now. i have had the unimaginable happen to me, and that makes some people too uncomfortable to be around me or call me. not many have had to experience losing a child, thankfully {this is truly a pain that i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy}. and not many know what to say {or not to say} to someone who is experiencing a heartache as intense as this. mostly because there are no words that can comfort a person experiencing a heartache as intense as this. i just wish these people understood that their silence and avoidance is hurtful as well...

so i just want to take this time to say thank you to all of my family, friends {IRL and virtual}, and fellow BLMs that have been there and been so supportive of D and i during this extremely difficult time. you have been my strength and my light on this journey through the darkness. we are truly blessed to have you in our lives. words will never be adequate enough to express how much you mean to us. but from the bottom of my broken heart - thank you. ♥

Gone but *NEVER* forgotten...

another big thank you to ms. franchesca. yes, the same franchesca that did my blog layout. this time i'm thanking her for putting together Juju's Hope Collage.

in addition to Small Bird Studio, she also runs the blog Abiding Hope Collages. she creates these collages and uses this blog as a way to help bereaved parents remember their precious ones. of course once i found out about it, i knew i wanted to have one done in honor of Julius. and so i submitted the requested info, and she created his collage.

i also got a pleasant surprise a few days ago on facebook. i recently discovered and joined the blog and facebook fan page for Names On The Sidewalk. {SN: ms. tiffany, another fellow BLM {she lost her precious Genesis}, started this blog, like franchesca, as a way to honor {by writing their names on the sidewalk} the little ones that have left their mommas/families way too soon}. i remember thinking when i found the blog that i wanted to have this done for Juju, but it just kept slipping my mind to put in my request. then i got a fb notification that i had been tagged in a photo. and to my very pleasant surprise, i received a pic of Juju's name, so beautifully written, on the sidewalk...

i can not say enough good things about all of the fellow BLM women i have met {virtually or in person}. never in my life have i experienced this kind of love and support from essentially strangers. they have reached out to me, and let me know that they understand my pain and that they are walking with me on this long, hard journey that i am facing. though i have never met a majority of these women in real life, the bond that is formed with those that have experienced the pain of losing a child, is a very tight bond {it's like a sisterhood}.

none of us signed up to walk this road. none of us chose to be here. but this is our reality. we are bereaved parents - we have all had our hearts ripped out. and we are forced to continue on in life as incomplete beings. none of us can do it alone - i know i would be in a much darker place, mentally, if not for the support of all of these women. so i guess the saying is true...there *is* strength in numbers...

God, I miss his laugh...

when Juju started learning how to laugh, i would try to do everything i could to get him to. usually he just stared at me like i was crazy, but D could make him laugh every time...



i'm not really sure what i was thinking. i don't know why i thought i was strong enough today to watch this video. but i just needed to hear his laugh and see him in motion again. not sure if i was "ready" to see this when i clicked on it, which was evidenced by me running into the nearest conference room, shutting the door and starting my "sob-fest" {i usually go down to my car and have one there sitting next to his car seat, but obviously couldn't make it that far}. but then again, i don't know that i will ever be ready to see his videos again. right now, i'm still trying to catch my breath - it feels like i just got kicked in the gut. i just wanted to hear him again. God, i miss that laugh...

I will carry you, Juju...all my life

Good Grief

grief is a funny thing. it's amazing to me how this process works {or doesn't work}. i had heard of the well known kubler-ross 5 stages of grief model, and always thought that grief was this linear process. denial>anger>bargaining>depression>acceptance...and done. it's not like that at all. real grief, deep grief, hole in your heart grief is not like that at all. i had no clue that those stages would overlap, and that i would be bouncing back and forth between all of them...often. it's hard for me to process how one moment i can be ok, and the next moment i am completely overrun with sadness. one moment i can be upright and "functioning," and the next moment i'm laying on the floor with a stack of pictures, sobbing. one moment i am carrying on a conversation with D about dinner, and the next i'm screaming "why did you leave me?"

i've been thinking a lot {which is never a good thing} about my role as "mother." i know i will always be a mom. Julius made me one {and a good one, i thought}, and though he is no longer here, that bond will *always* remain - no doubt. but in all honesty, though i am a mom in theory, i am no longer one in practice. i have no one here to feed, change, hold, rock to sleep... i no longer have to plan things around someone's sleep schedule. or rush home from the gym to feed someone. and i HATE it. i absolutely loathe having all of this free time. i absolutely loathe having to fill my time with things to do just so i am kept busy. i hate this.so.very.much.

but what are my options? i have none. i'm still here. so i have to continue to be even when i don't want to. i know that this has to hurt. he was {is} so important, so very important. and now he's gone. my heart is acknowledging that he is gone. and there is no way around it...i must go through it. even though it is unbearable, i must bear it. every wave of it, for the rest of my life...

surrounded by love...

these days i find myself having many more questions than answers. but one thing i know for sure is that D and i are surrounded by a very large, very strong "love bubble." we have an incredibly supportive group of family and friends. i could not imagine what this journey would be like had we not had them by our sides. it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about how good everyone has been to D and i. we are truly blessed {and it's hard for me to type that out given how i feel these days}. in the last couple of weeks we have received a couple of very special gifts from some of these very loving, caring friends...

my friends, michelle and rebecca, both got together and got us this memorial heirloom candle.

it is made from flowers from the arrangements at J's memorial service that they gave us. michelle brought it over to us on his 1 month 'angel-versary'. it's absolutely gorgeous {the pic from my camera phone doesn't do it justice}. and such a unique gift and way to remember my baby. i have never seen anything like it, but i'm so glad and thankful that they did this for us.

and speaking of unique gifts...a very talented friend brought us by this portrait that he did of Juju with the poem {in the top left hand corner} "God's Little Angel" that he got from here.

doesn't it look *just* like the pic in the corner? now what makes this portrait so unique is the fact that the picture is formed by using words.

if you look closer you will notice that the word "Julius" makes up most of the picture, except for the hair. the hair is made by using the word "frohawk," which is what D and i used to call his hair. his hair would poof up at the top of his head very much like a curly {afro} mohawk, hence "frohawk".

anyway, not many are blessed with this wonderful talent, which i believe is called "textual pointillism," but our dear friend, matt, is most definitely gifted {if anyone is interested, you can check out his facebook page "Wordtraits" here}. once again, we are lucky 1) that we know someone who does this {which we didn't know until he brought this to our house}, and 2) that he so generously gave up his time and talent so that he could give us another way to remember our son.

they say that God puts certain people in your life for a reason. when i sit and think about all the memorable gifts we have received, all the prayers that have been said for us, all the food that has been made/brought to our house this past month, all of the cards/phone calls/texts/fb messages/emails/etc., all of the hugs that have been given to us in this past month, i *know* that God had a hand in this. i don't believe that it was "God's will" that Julius had to leave us and this world so quickly. but i do think that God put these people in our lives to "soften the blow," and that they have...

words that speak to my heart...

i found a couple of poems this morning that really spoke to my heart. they seem to encompass everything that i am going through and feeling lately, so i wanted to share them.

JUST SAY “I’M SORRY”
By Gail Fasolo

You don’t know how I feel; please don’t tell me that you do.

There’s just one way to know--have you lost a child too?
“You’ll have another child” – must I hear this every day?
Can I get another mother, too, if mine should pass away?
Don’t say it was “God’s will” – that’s not the God I know.
Would God, on purpose, break my heart,
then watch as my tears flow?
You have an angel in heaven – a precious child above.
But tell me, to whom here on earth shall I give this love?
“Aren’t you better yet?” Is that what I heard you say?
No! A part of my heart aches and I’ll always feel some pain.
You think that silence is kind, but it hurts me even more.
I want to talk about my child who has gone through death’s door.
Don’t say these things to me, although you do mean well.
They do not take my pain away; I must go through this hell.
I will get better, slow but sure – and it helps to have you near.
But a simple “I’m sorry you lost your child” is all I need to hear.

*************

Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS,
but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.
-Author Unknown-

*************

THE BROKEN CHAIN

Author Unknown

We little knew that morning, that God was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly, In death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you, You did not go alone;
For part of us went with you, The day God called you home.
You left us peaceful memories, Your love is still our guide;
And though we cannot see you, You are always at our side.
Our family chain is broken, And nothing seems the same;
But as God calls us one by one, The chain will link again.

*************

REMEMBERING YOU
Author Unknown

We thought of you today,
But that is nothing new
We thought of you yesterday
And will tomorrow, too
We think of you in silence
And make no outward show
For what it meant to lose you
Only those who love you know
Remembering you is easy
We do it everyday
It's the heartache of losing you
That will never go away.

*************

THE CORD

Author Unknown

We are connected, my mommy & I, by an invisible cord not seen by the eye, It's not like the cord that connects us at birth, this cord can't be seen by any on earth. This cord does its work right from the start, it binds us together, attached by the heart! I know that it's there, tho' noone can see, this invisible cord, from my mommy to me. The strength of this cord, its hard to describe, it can't be destroyed, it can't be denied. Its stronger that any cord man could create, it withstands the test, can hold any weight. And though you are gone and you're not here with me, the cord is still there tho' noone can see. It pulls at my heart, I am bruised, I am sore, but this cord is my lifeline as never before. I am thankful that GOD connects us this way, A MOTHER & CHILD.... Death can't take it away!!

New Blog Design

i just want to take some time to brag about ms. franchesca over at Small Bird Studio...

you've probably already noticed the changes to my blog {it is quite different from my last blog layout}. i immediately fell in love with her work after i saw what she did to rebecca's blog a few months ago. i contacted her a couple of weeks ago because i was ready to give mine a more personal feel {i think i'm in this for the long haul now}, and i wanted to add some pics of my baby boy to it - he is, after all, the reason i started this blog. since i'm SO not creative at all {i'm a typical engineer}, i thought it was best to contact a professional.

i think she did an amazing job, and i'm so pleased with the way it came out. she was so wonderful to work with. and she finished and installed the new layout on his 1 month 'angel-versary'. that may have been a coincidence, but these days anyone that brings me any kind of comfort {accidentally or not} wins a special place in my heart. it's small comforts like these that give me the strength to just be for one more moment...

she also, unfortunately, is another "Baby Loss Momma" {BLM}. she lost her precious daughter Jenna Belle last year {you can read her story here}. Juju's loss has forced me to become familiar with the rather large community of very caring, loving women that are all trying to make it, while mourning their precious babies. how far this BLM community reaches is something that i never would have known had it not been for Julius. though i wish this community of women didn't need to exist; i'm so grateful for the people i have "met," and the support i have received.

thank you so much, franchesca! you will never know how thankful i am for you and your work. <3

Dear Julius...

after everything happened, a couple of very good friends from my hometown were kind enough to send me a care package filled with books, cute little toiletries, and this journal...

at the 1 week mark, i pulled the journal out of the box, sat down and wrote a letter to Julius. i have written my baby a letter every morning since then {i've even started reading them back to him after i've written them too}. though i do get *some* of my feelings out in this blog, i use that journal and the letters to him as a special way to communicate with my Juju and tell him EVERYTHING i'm feeling - the good, bad, and the ugly {though these days, it's just bad and ugly}. to honor him today on the 1 month mark of his passing, i will share part of my letter to my baby...

Dear Julius,

This morning the pain hit me right away. Someone told me that grief is the heart's way of acknowledging that someone important has been lost. It's true, baby. My heart is constantly aching because you are gone. My heart wants so badly to be with you again. My bond with you was so great. You sat right under my heart for 9 months. You were part of me. And now that you are gone, it feels as though a part of me is missing. I'm lost without you. I'm not sure how I have made it in the world for a month without you. I surely didn't think it would ever be possible. We were so dependent on each other. You needed me to feed you, and love you, and change you. I needed you...well, because I just did. You were our creation, my best buddy, my world. You provided me with happiness and love that I never knew existed. I didn't understand unconditional love before you. I didn't get the deep connection mother's have with their babies before you. But you taught me what it was all about. You taught me quite a bit, Juju. It's amazing because in your short life, you probably taught me more than I taught you. Some say that babies choose their parents. I truly want to believe that you chose us. I want to believe that out of all the people out there, you saw something special enough in me to pick me as your mother. Though I’m still mad that I only had you for 4.5 months - that I carried you in my womb longer than I had you in my arms - that I couldn’t save you from the outside world. I am truly blessed that you and God chose to make me and Daddy your parents. I guess you were needed elsewhere. You came to us and completed your mission. But I’m still angry. I still selfishly want you with me. Not a minute goes by that I don’t think of you and all the time we spent together. Someone told me “about the only thing I can guarantee is that you’ll never forget those 4.5 months”. I never will, Juju. But please don’t ever forget about or leave me.
-Mommy

**updated to add a picture of us - it was feeling like a picture kind of day**

Julius, the baby of the world

last week, a friend posted on my facebook page that she had been at the local library and coincidentally ran across 2 books that had Julius' name in the title. and she posted a pic of the books. the books were: Julius by Angela Johnson; and Julius, the Baby of the World by Kevin Henkes. i ordered both of the books from Amazon and received them yesterday on his 4 week 'angel-versary'.

when i got box, i, of course, immediately opened it, and sat down and read both of the books. both of the stories are super cute. but as i read Julius, the Baby of the World, i got chills...

here's the story in a nutshell: Julius is the newborn baby of the family. his parents bring him home and are so enamored by him - they spend so much time with him and give him so much attention. Julius' big sister gets jealous of all of the attention given to him, so in addition to letting her parents know how annoyed with Julius she is, she is also kind of mean to him - she tries to scare him, won't play with him, etc. {typical big sister behavior, i think}. this goes on for a while, and then at a family get together, the big sister is talking to her cousin who also mentions how "disgusting" she thinks Julius is. well, big sister gets SOOO mad at the cousin, and tells her that Julius is indeed "the baby of the world" {and even makes the cousin repeat it herself}. and from then on, big sister changed the way she felt about Julius and her attitude towards him.

anyway, the part that gave me chills was the big sister's name. it was Lilly {rebecca's daughter's name}. i was so overwhelmed with so many emotions, and of course i had to call her immediately and tell her. i just couldn't believe that both of our babies' names were in this book. and not only that, but that they were brother and sister. it may sound weird, but i just felt as though it was a small sign from both of them to let us know that they were together, and they are looking down on us. and i'm so very thankful that i received this small comfort and remembrance on a "milestone" day.

"How's the baby?"

God, i never thought i would depise and dread that question as much as i now do...
:'(

not sure how i made it this far...

this week is sure to be a very emotional week for me. tomorrow will mark week 4, and friday november 12th, will be the 1 month anniversary of Julius' passing. in addition, the 11th is a holiday for me, and instead of being excited for it because that means an extra day with my baby boy. i'm dreading it, because it means i will have nothing to do and will have to come up with some plans to get me out of the house so that i don't sit and think about everything. a friend of mine commented the other day that it must feel like time has stopped and is moving quickly at the same time. it truly truly does.

i still find it unbelievable that just over a month ago, he was here keeping me busier than i had ever been. and i enjoyed every minute of it! i loved spending time with him, and i loved being his mommy. he made me so very happy. and while i am still Julius' mommy and always will be, i'm struggling with what my role/purpose here is now. he gave my life real meaning, and now i find myself feeling very very lost. i'm trying to hold on to hope that there is more to my story. that soon the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness will subside, and i will start to regain my strength.

speaking of strength, my good friend, rebecca, was so kind enough to send me this bracelet, that i have been wearing daily.

the quote reads, "courage, strength and hope possess my soul...i will stand firmly and without fear." - goethe

i've just been so overwhelmed with feelings of fear and anxiety when i start to think about my future and the future of our little family. so i'm hoping that by wearing and reading it daily, i will start to believe it.

as i mentioned before, D and i decided that we would not be celebrating the holidays this year as we had originally planned. i was also really stressing out about getting gifts for our family. i just didn't think there was any way that i would have the strength to go shopping this year for presents and all of the other things that go along with christmas shopping. i'm having a hard enough time getting myself up and out of the house to go to work these days. but after talking it over with D, we came up with - what i think is - a really good alternative to getting traditional gifts for family. we've decided to make a donation to a couple of SIDS foundations in our family members' names and in memory of Julius. {sorry to ruin the surprise for all of my family members reading this} i'd like to find some cute way to let them know about the donation, like a personalized card, but so far i haven't found anything. i feel really good about this decision. even though Juju won't be with us to celebrate, i like that he will be remembered in this way. and i hope everyone will appreciate it.

Remembering Juju on the 3 week anniversary...

today marks the 3 week mark since i've been without my baby boy. i'm not really sure how i made it this far, but i did. after my friend, rebecca, lost her baby girl, Lily, she submitted Lily's story to the blog Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. this was the first time i had ever heard of, or read this blog. i thought then that it was such a great blog, and such a great place for women who had experienced baby loss to honor their babies and tell their stories. never did i imagine that i would one day join them.

After the initial shock of what had happened to our baby boy had passed, i gathered up some strength, and i wrote up Julius' story and sent it in to be included on the blog. his story was posted yesterday - just in time to honor my love on the 3 week mark of his passing. i wish so much that i (or any one, for that matter) didn't have to count time in "days/weeks/months/years since i lost my baby". this is a hell that i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. but i am thankful to Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope for giving me one more way to honor, and remember my Julius.

Dreading What's to Come...

last week was a really rough week for us. in addition to it being the week of his 5 month birthday, we received his death certificate. i still can not comprehend the fact that i received my baby's death certificate. i didn't even have 5 full months with him before i had to say good-bye. it makes me so sick to my stomach to think about that.

as for how i'm doing...i'm trying to hang in there. i went to a GriefShare support group meeting last week, and found it helpful, so I am going to continue to go. i also found another local support group that is specifically for bereaved parents that meets on thurs night, which i am going to check out this week. and in addition to that, the woman that runs the GriefShare group was kind enough to put me in contact with a grief counselor that she knows, and i've set up an appointment with her for this week. so i'm definitely trying my best to deal with my grief. for whatever that's worth...

i'm completely dreading the months ahead. halloween already gave me a taste of the sadness i am sure to experience. everywhere i turned i saw happy parents and their adorable children all dressed up, and thought about how i would never get to experience that with J. i never even got a chance. the holidays are fast approaching, and it just makes me so angry that he won't be able to celebrate his first thanksgiving and christmas with us. we were planning to go visit D's family for thanksgiving, and mine for christmas; but there is no way we can now - it's just too hard. quite frankly i don't even think i want to acknowledge the holidays at all this year. how can i even begin to celebrate anything? my heart is far too broken.

but not *all* of last week was miserable. toward the end of last week i got up the strength to write up a little tribute to my Juju to be added on The CJ Foundation for SIDS memorial page.
Julius' memorial page was published, coincidentally, on his 5 month birthday. even though it was very hard for me to write, i felt like i had to do it. my little boy was an amazing person, and i want him to be remembered. he was such a blessing to us, and his absence has left such a void in our lives...